However, combining this with the daily workouts has caught up with me, and my brain is fighting me. All I have to do is just get my workout clothes on, put my sneakers on, and go. But my brain is making it hard on me this week. I only made it worse by agreeing I was too sore on Tuesday to work out, and then agreeing again yesterday, and I'm still fighting myself this morning. I know that as long as I watch what I eat, I'm ok. I don't NEED to kill myself working out to lose weight, but I just want so badly to keep seeing these 4-5 pound weekly losses because it feels good. I want to reach my next goal quickly. I want to see results quickly like every other person who loses weight.
I have started to see the difference in myself this week. When I met my 10% goal on Saturday, I couldn't see it. Mike would tell me he could, but I just didn't see it. Sure, I had to buy new work pants, and my clothes were loosening up, but I just didn't see it. So I took a picture and paired it up with one I took shortly after I started Weight Watchers:
I honestly had to stare for a good amount of time before the differences started becoming apparent. It is amazing how our brains can have a completely different view of our bodies than is reality. Before I lost weight, I don't think I ever truly registered just how big I was. Sure, I knew I was fat, but I guess I always perceived myself to look more like the person on the right than the one on the left. So maybe that explains why now I have lost the weight, and I AM the person on the right, I have a harder time perceiving the changes.
I have unfortunately started being far more critical of my body than I was before. I have started finding myself concentrating on the areas that I know are going to always be my problem areas, like my upper arms, my hips, etc. Why must our skin be the loudest and most stubborn reminder of the fatties we used to be? It seems so unfair to put in such hard work and dedication, only to still feel like a fake skinny person due to the saggy, ugly skin that is your version of war scars. This is one of my biggest fears about losing weight, honestly. And the other being the wave of "You are looking so great!" "Wow, you look amazing!" that will eventually start coming. I know that seems so much the opposite of what it should be. I shouldn't fear those compliments, I worked for them, I will deserve them. But when I lost a significant amount of weight before, they were nothing but double-edged swords. Each compliment felt like nothing but "You weren't pretty before you lost weight" "You looked like shit before you lost weight". I had lost the weight so quickly due to a medication called Phentermine, that I was having trouble recognizing myself, must less process other people's compliments of the changes.
This is why I haven't really talked about it at all with my family or my in-law's. Sure, I post my weigh-in's on my IG or twitter that my little sister can see, but I doubt she would be concerned enough to pass it along. I don't mind being celebrated at the WW meetings, but I don't want my family doing it for some reason. I don't want to appear as I am trying to gain approval, or seeking compliments from them. I admit, my feelings are weird about this. I can talk to Mike about it just fine, or my coworkers or friends who are trying to lose weight, too. But anyone not trying to lose weight, or trying to run/exercise, etc., I just have no desire to talk to them about it. It is personal. It is mine. It is for my own benefit. It is not for the sake of compliments/approval from those who just saw me as a fatty. I wish I could better explain the mind fuck this does to me, but it just has that effect on me. I just want the satisfaction of being healthier, getting to buy clothes from more than 3 or 4 places, and being able to do things like 5Ks and Zumba classes. The only person I need to tell me I look good is my husband, and I know he's thought I was beautiful no matter what weight I have been at cuz he has been with me for all of them.
Despite our cheat day on Tuesday where we tried out this amazing food truck, I have been good food wise. I've been really good about tracking, and resisting the urge to pig out. I have to be careful the next few days because we are going to a flea market this weekend with the in-law's, and I'm praying I see a funnel cake stand sooo bad when we go. I know the flea markets at home would have bounds of bad food stands like you see at fairs, so I hope this one is similar. I need a funnel cake to happen! :) Luckily, weigh-in is on Saturday, so its ok if I'm a little bad on Sunday. :) Anyway, my grilled chicken salads have really been working out great for lunch these past 2 weeks, and I've been eating a lot of scrambled eggs lately where I only use one whole egg, and one egg white and I don't even notice the difference. It is nice that my schedule now allows me to slowly wake up and not have to rush to make breakfast. Or to just simply be lazy like I am today. :)
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