I had such a fun, sweaty time at my first Zumba class the other night. Loved it. Absolutely loved it. I'll admit, my mind was going 100 miles an hour while I was waiting for the class to start. It went something like this:
"Oh, no, I'm the only one who doesn't speak spanish, this is no bueno"
"Where is the instructor, he's late, this is not cool"
"Really? Why does there have to be windows, and why did I plant myself in front of one? Now when the people using the weights look in, my big ass is the first one they will see."
"I bet all these other girls are gonna be amazing at this, and laughing at the rhythmless white girl in the back in spanish"
"Seriously, where is the instructor?? Class was supposed to start 10 minutes ago"
"I already hate the mirrors in here, I look so big....this is a cruel punishment to put mirrors AND windows"
"Maybe this isn't the right class for me, if the instructor is already 15 minutes late, and I'm the only one who doesn't speak Spanish, maybe I should have gone with the granny Zumba class....I would definitely out dance them!"
"Was the class cancelled and no one told us?"
"If he's not here by 6:15, I'm leaving"
"Oh shit, he's here.....oh man, lets try not to suck"
"Oh yay, I can do this!! And the girls in front of me keep messing up big time!!!! And more non-spanish-speaking people came in!! yay!!"
A lot of it was easy, but there were ones I had trouble with, but I'll get better. It was intense, though. A song would end and I'd start wiping the sweat from my face and the next song was already starting before I could get a drink of water. You don't get much down time. Luckily, each time I felt like I was going to completely lose my breath, he slowed down the pace a bit. I'm really looking forward to going on a weekly basis. It was a lot of fun, and part of me is really happy because I am sort of getting to live out my childhood dream of being in dance class. I wanted to be in dance so so so so bad, but never got to, I was put in Girl Scouts instead. So this is definitely my new thing. :)
I decided against weighing in this week, bloating from it being that time of the month PLUS us making our own versions of Toasty Cheese again last night just isn't fair. I don't mind so much showing a gain, but lets give it another week, lol
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
A Beautiful Day Off
Summer finally decided to grace us with its presence this week. This summer has been so weird weather wise. One day its blazing hot, then the next day its cold as heck, and then its been raining too much. Despite the weird weather pattern this summer has been giving us, I have managed to get outside quite a bit and have developed a pretty decent tan for the first time since I was a child that didn't come from a tanning bed. Walking outside in the forest preserve, going to the pool, and just being outside in general. It has felt pretty good, and this summer has been a really good one. I've done a lot of things that I've never done before or haven't done in such an incredibly long time, and I feel really proud of myself for those things. I'm even going to my first Zumba class tonight, which is something I have wanted to do for so long, but never did because I worried about being the fat chick gasping for air after 5 minutes. I'm pretty excited and nervous at the same time, I hope I love it.
I've also been enjoying myself a little bit too much food wise and relaxing instead of exercising. I just wanted to grill out, make our own version of Toasty Cheese sandwiches, and celebrate my new found love of BBQ Pulled Pork Nachos. And had amazing lunches with good friends and good food. And cooked an amazingly delicious (but totally unhealthy) dinner for my in-laws (Cannoli dip is amazing). And I discovered I've been a damned fool to deny myself Nutella (I seriously decided it wasn't for me after ONE bad Nutella crepe at Wildberry), Nutella is amazing with the aforementioned cannoli dip, strawberries, on a spoon straight out the jar. I'm in love, and I think this is going to be a lasting relationship.
Alright, so yes, Summer time is synonymous with good food for me, and that isn't always Weight Watchers friendly. Once you add in the difficult time I've been having personally/emotionally despite all the amazingly good things we've been blessed with, I've just not been on track. Even this week with my attempt to get back into gear, you give me enough stress at work and a bag full of chocolates from a hospice or home health rep, and I blow my whole day points wise. I've been working on a lot of the negative thoughts that fill my head that keep me from doing what's best for me, and I just want to get back into gear. Truly, working out and eating on plan makes me feel good, it really does. So, I need to give in to what feels good all day instead of what just feels good just for moment and then gives me a day full of guilt. I'm going to go weigh in this week for the first time in probably a month, despite the fact that I probably will show a gain. It's gotta help me get back on track.
Speaking of things that make me feel good, I walked to Panera today instead of driving. Sure, I felt a little weird ordering my food all sweaty (its effing hot outside), but I walked there and back, and that felt really good. And I listened to Katy Perry's "Roar" on repeat the whole way because that song just makes me feel good. In fact, I am playing it now while I type. Sure, its bubblegum pop, but I don't really care. I can appreciate music that isn't super deep and thought-provoking. Sometimes you just need something that makes you wanna dance in your seat and makes your heart feel happy. And Katy Perry is really good at supplying that.
I am working this weekend unfortunately, but I'm ok with it. Weekends, especially holiday weekends tend to be easy-going, even though I wouldn't bet money on it. The biggest problem will probably be the families who take their loved ones out of the facility without getting their medications, so it screws with my schedule a bit. But it all gets done eventually. Working every other weekend, especially a PM shift is hard because you have to squeeze social outings into every other weekend, and miss out on others completely, but this is the standard with my industry. It just is what it is, no sense in getting your panties in a bunch over it.
Life of a nurse. :)
I've also been enjoying myself a little bit too much food wise and relaxing instead of exercising. I just wanted to grill out, make our own version of Toasty Cheese sandwiches, and celebrate my new found love of BBQ Pulled Pork Nachos. And had amazing lunches with good friends and good food. And cooked an amazingly delicious (but totally unhealthy) dinner for my in-laws (Cannoli dip is amazing). And I discovered I've been a damned fool to deny myself Nutella (I seriously decided it wasn't for me after ONE bad Nutella crepe at Wildberry), Nutella is amazing with the aforementioned cannoli dip, strawberries, on a spoon straight out the jar. I'm in love, and I think this is going to be a lasting relationship.
Alright, so yes, Summer time is synonymous with good food for me, and that isn't always Weight Watchers friendly. Once you add in the difficult time I've been having personally/emotionally despite all the amazingly good things we've been blessed with, I've just not been on track. Even this week with my attempt to get back into gear, you give me enough stress at work and a bag full of chocolates from a hospice or home health rep, and I blow my whole day points wise. I've been working on a lot of the negative thoughts that fill my head that keep me from doing what's best for me, and I just want to get back into gear. Truly, working out and eating on plan makes me feel good, it really does. So, I need to give in to what feels good all day instead of what just feels good just for moment and then gives me a day full of guilt. I'm going to go weigh in this week for the first time in probably a month, despite the fact that I probably will show a gain. It's gotta help me get back on track.
Speaking of things that make me feel good, I walked to Panera today instead of driving. Sure, I felt a little weird ordering my food all sweaty (its effing hot outside), but I walked there and back, and that felt really good. And I listened to Katy Perry's "Roar" on repeat the whole way because that song just makes me feel good. In fact, I am playing it now while I type. Sure, its bubblegum pop, but I don't really care. I can appreciate music that isn't super deep and thought-provoking. Sometimes you just need something that makes you wanna dance in your seat and makes your heart feel happy. And Katy Perry is really good at supplying that.
I am working this weekend unfortunately, but I'm ok with it. Weekends, especially holiday weekends tend to be easy-going, even though I wouldn't bet money on it. The biggest problem will probably be the families who take their loved ones out of the facility without getting their medications, so it screws with my schedule a bit. But it all gets done eventually. Working every other weekend, especially a PM shift is hard because you have to squeeze social outings into every other weekend, and miss out on others completely, but this is the standard with my industry. It just is what it is, no sense in getting your panties in a bunch over it.
Life of a nurse. :)
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Blind Leading the Blind
I work with the elderly. This population of people have lost so much, loved ones, good health, independence. So depression is something that certainly isn't unexpected. It is really hard to face those losses, and the fact that your life is in its final phase. I won't pretend to know how it feels, for I can only imagine, but the thought of being one bad fall away from death is one I can imagine to be especially painful to bear.
Some handle it better than others. Some throw themselves into activities as much as they can, or find other people they can do hobbies with, playing cards or working on puzzles. Or entertain themselves by reading as many books as they can. Or they surround themselves with pictures of their families and cherish the time they do get to spend with them. Or they people watch while sitting outside basking in the sun. These are all great ways to enjoy life, despite being in what could be your final days.
But what about those who can't find joy in any of these things? What do they do? Unfortunately, I think its possible they just sit and wish they weren't such a burden, think about all the regrets they have have, the independence they've lost and are not likely ever to reclaim. And sadly, some may wish death to come to them sooner than later. My heart truly breaks at the idea of any of them wishing to take their own life. I wish I had the ability to make them see the positives in their lives, instead of the negatives, but I feel it is so ironic that I think this way for them, despite how difficult that has been for myself.
I find it so truly ironic. Me, the one who is the queen of "What ifs" and jumping to the worst possible assumption I can. The girl who had a hard time being proud of myself for finishing nursing school because I was sure I was this hated, horrible person who didn't deserve to be celebrated. The girl who didn't think anyone in her life (besides my husband) cared about her feelings. The girl who never feels she is good enough, assumes rejection will come so I either wall myself off or somehow make the rejection happen so I no longer have to worry about when it will happen. Here I am, trying to talk my residents into being more positive.
What the fluff?
How can I lead those with anxiety and depression into a more positive way of thinking when I struggle with that myself? How do I know what to say to my residents, yet can't say it to myself? How have I been a source of comfort to them, but can't be that to myself? I have to say, I was really surprised my therapeutic communication skills came out of me so much better than they ever did in my psych clinicals. I was called "Saint Erica" by one of my resident's family members, and I was actually embarrassed they showered me with so much praise for how I cared for their loved one. I don't do what I do for praise, nor do I really ever expect any acknowledgement. It is just something that feels good in my heart. That feeling that I've helped others, that's why I am a nurse.
But maybe my own struggles are the things that help me know what to say. Even if I have a hard time challenging myself when I am thinking negatively, at least it gives me some insight to how the negative thought process works.
Anyway, I don't feel I am a perfect nurse, that is something I don't think anyone can truly achieve. We all can do things better, improve, learn, and admit our mistakes. But I have felt so much like a nurse this week, like truly, truly....TRULY felt like a nurse. I'm still learning, but I've identified problems, contacted MD, got orders, put the orders into action, and watched healing happen. My gut instincts have not proven me wrong at all this week. I am beginning to feel more comfortable in this role. I am a nurse. I am doing what I set out to do so so long ago (9 years ago was when I had decided I wanted to be a nurse instead of a psychologist). It may have taken me a long time to get to this point in my life, but I am so thankful to be here. And I am working on making myself feel good about that, rather then feeling regret over all the obstacles that stood in my way that made it take this long.
Some handle it better than others. Some throw themselves into activities as much as they can, or find other people they can do hobbies with, playing cards or working on puzzles. Or entertain themselves by reading as many books as they can. Or they surround themselves with pictures of their families and cherish the time they do get to spend with them. Or they people watch while sitting outside basking in the sun. These are all great ways to enjoy life, despite being in what could be your final days.
But what about those who can't find joy in any of these things? What do they do? Unfortunately, I think its possible they just sit and wish they weren't such a burden, think about all the regrets they have have, the independence they've lost and are not likely ever to reclaim. And sadly, some may wish death to come to them sooner than later. My heart truly breaks at the idea of any of them wishing to take their own life. I wish I had the ability to make them see the positives in their lives, instead of the negatives, but I feel it is so ironic that I think this way for them, despite how difficult that has been for myself.
I find it so truly ironic. Me, the one who is the queen of "What ifs" and jumping to the worst possible assumption I can. The girl who had a hard time being proud of myself for finishing nursing school because I was sure I was this hated, horrible person who didn't deserve to be celebrated. The girl who didn't think anyone in her life (besides my husband) cared about her feelings. The girl who never feels she is good enough, assumes rejection will come so I either wall myself off or somehow make the rejection happen so I no longer have to worry about when it will happen. Here I am, trying to talk my residents into being more positive.
What the fluff?
How can I lead those with anxiety and depression into a more positive way of thinking when I struggle with that myself? How do I know what to say to my residents, yet can't say it to myself? How have I been a source of comfort to them, but can't be that to myself? I have to say, I was really surprised my therapeutic communication skills came out of me so much better than they ever did in my psych clinicals. I was called "Saint Erica" by one of my resident's family members, and I was actually embarrassed they showered me with so much praise for how I cared for their loved one. I don't do what I do for praise, nor do I really ever expect any acknowledgement. It is just something that feels good in my heart. That feeling that I've helped others, that's why I am a nurse.
But maybe my own struggles are the things that help me know what to say. Even if I have a hard time challenging myself when I am thinking negatively, at least it gives me some insight to how the negative thought process works.
Anyway, I don't feel I am a perfect nurse, that is something I don't think anyone can truly achieve. We all can do things better, improve, learn, and admit our mistakes. But I have felt so much like a nurse this week, like truly, truly....TRULY felt like a nurse. I'm still learning, but I've identified problems, contacted MD, got orders, put the orders into action, and watched healing happen. My gut instincts have not proven me wrong at all this week. I am beginning to feel more comfortable in this role. I am a nurse. I am doing what I set out to do so so long ago (9 years ago was when I had decided I wanted to be a nurse instead of a psychologist). It may have taken me a long time to get to this point in my life, but I am so thankful to be here. And I am working on making myself feel good about that, rather then feeling regret over all the obstacles that stood in my way that made it take this long.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Work Much?
Today is my 6th day of working in a row, between both jobs, and I feel like I've been working non-stop. My brain wanted so much to believe that yesterday was Monday, and I had to sadly remind myself I still have another shift to get through before I have a whole day off. It's ok though. I still get such an incredible amount of anxiety before I have to go in for work for no logical reason. I always worry, "What if someone falls, or turns for the worse and I need to send them out, and then I get horribly behind in my med pass and then I'm at work incredibly late trying to catch up, and then my boss yells at me?" Every. Darn. Day. I rarely get behind because of something I have control over. Whether someone falls or gets sick enough to be sent to the hospital, I have really no control over it. And I have to remind myself, even when I have gotten behind, I get it all done, one way or the other. Everyone gets taken care of, and only a few really ever get so mad at me for being late when I thank them for their patience. Most are understanding, the ones who aren't , well, they are gonna be pissed no matter what I say and I just gotta let it roll off my back.
The nurses who were making me feel bullied have surprisingly been nicer to me lately. I am sure it is because the two new nurses are making far more careless mistakes than I ever did, and maybe this is helping them realize I'm not so bad after all? Sure, I feel bad for the newbies, but its only limited because they really are making a ton of mistakes that I just don't understand. Regardless, it does help to feel like I'm no longer at the bottom of the food chain, and that maybe I'm earning some respect from them. It makes going to work a little easier.
On the flip side, some doctors are incredibly large assholes. I'm sorry, doctor, that I had to page you twice before you finally responded, and that you get to deal with your partner's decision to order a PT/INR on a weekend (although he had good reason given critically high results mid week that required retesting after holding the coumadin for several days). I'm sorry YOU were on call instead of him, because I'm sure he would have been far more understanding than you were. I can't order labs, I have no say in what date they are done, I can only follow orders. So bitching about "why is this, why is that?" does no good, because I can't answer that for you, only your partner, who is a doctor, can.
I've had a lot of experience dealing with doctors. I've worked with them for years, and its easier once you have time to get to know them and how to approach them. So, some doctors are just naturally insufferable and asshole-like, but I have always been able to find my angle with them, something to like. How to return the attitude in a way that won't make them bite my head off, but make them see I've got some valid reasons for asking them what I am asking. But, now that I'm a nurse, I am just gonna have to accept that the luxury of getting to know each doctor on a pretty good basis is gone. We have a handful of doctors at work that see most of our residents, but of course, there are a good amount that see their own doctor that results in me talking to asshole partners on the weekend. *shrug*
It's been pretty busy outside of work as well. It's all good things, but I've had little downtime. Hopefully, tomorrow we can lounge by the pool in the afternoon for a little bit if the weather cooperates. I think this Sunday is our last true free day for a while. Again, all good things, but sometimes it is just nice to not have anything planned, and be able to recharge without feeling guilty .... like you wasted a whole day. Those days are definitely more easier to come by in winter, which I'm secretly wishing for in my heart a little. New sweaters always delight me. :)
I've also been reading the Hunger Games. Mike decided to watch it the other night, and I watched as well despite my defiance of this trendy book phenomenon the last year. And I loved it. It really wasn't as blood, guts, and gore that I thought it would be. Sure, all of that was there, but it wasn't totally just one big blood bath. And per my usual, I HAD to read the books. I've already finished the first two and working on the 3rd. It was like this when I read the 50 shades trilogy, which I was so incredibly resistant to following the trend. I had heard it was poorly written (entirely true, BTW) and thought the whole idea was stupid, but once I started, I finished all 3 within a matter of a week or so. Anyway, the Hunger Games books are really good, and as a result, I'll try not to be so stubborn about these hyped up book trends. Maybe I'll even break down and read the Harry Potter books (I've only watched the movies, which again, I didn't want to like them, but I did).
Yeah, and my whole drinking more wine thing? Doesn't really work so well when you work in the evening. I've had maybe ONE night where I could actually enjoy some wine because that was the day I worked in the morning at the dental office. Maybe this next week, lol. :)
The nurses who were making me feel bullied have surprisingly been nicer to me lately. I am sure it is because the two new nurses are making far more careless mistakes than I ever did, and maybe this is helping them realize I'm not so bad after all? Sure, I feel bad for the newbies, but its only limited because they really are making a ton of mistakes that I just don't understand. Regardless, it does help to feel like I'm no longer at the bottom of the food chain, and that maybe I'm earning some respect from them. It makes going to work a little easier.
On the flip side, some doctors are incredibly large assholes. I'm sorry, doctor, that I had to page you twice before you finally responded, and that you get to deal with your partner's decision to order a PT/INR on a weekend (although he had good reason given critically high results mid week that required retesting after holding the coumadin for several days). I'm sorry YOU were on call instead of him, because I'm sure he would have been far more understanding than you were. I can't order labs, I have no say in what date they are done, I can only follow orders. So bitching about "why is this, why is that?" does no good, because I can't answer that for you, only your partner, who is a doctor, can.
I've had a lot of experience dealing with doctors. I've worked with them for years, and its easier once you have time to get to know them and how to approach them. So, some doctors are just naturally insufferable and asshole-like, but I have always been able to find my angle with them, something to like. How to return the attitude in a way that won't make them bite my head off, but make them see I've got some valid reasons for asking them what I am asking. But, now that I'm a nurse, I am just gonna have to accept that the luxury of getting to know each doctor on a pretty good basis is gone. We have a handful of doctors at work that see most of our residents, but of course, there are a good amount that see their own doctor that results in me talking to asshole partners on the weekend. *shrug*
It's been pretty busy outside of work as well. It's all good things, but I've had little downtime. Hopefully, tomorrow we can lounge by the pool in the afternoon for a little bit if the weather cooperates. I think this Sunday is our last true free day for a while. Again, all good things, but sometimes it is just nice to not have anything planned, and be able to recharge without feeling guilty .... like you wasted a whole day. Those days are definitely more easier to come by in winter, which I'm secretly wishing for in my heart a little. New sweaters always delight me. :)
I've also been reading the Hunger Games. Mike decided to watch it the other night, and I watched as well despite my defiance of this trendy book phenomenon the last year. And I loved it. It really wasn't as blood, guts, and gore that I thought it would be. Sure, all of that was there, but it wasn't totally just one big blood bath. And per my usual, I HAD to read the books. I've already finished the first two and working on the 3rd. It was like this when I read the 50 shades trilogy, which I was so incredibly resistant to following the trend. I had heard it was poorly written (entirely true, BTW) and thought the whole idea was stupid, but once I started, I finished all 3 within a matter of a week or so. Anyway, the Hunger Games books are really good, and as a result, I'll try not to be so stubborn about these hyped up book trends. Maybe I'll even break down and read the Harry Potter books (I've only watched the movies, which again, I didn't want to like them, but I did).
Yeah, and my whole drinking more wine thing? Doesn't really work so well when you work in the evening. I've had maybe ONE night where I could actually enjoy some wine because that was the day I worked in the morning at the dental office. Maybe this next week, lol. :)
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Saturday, August 10, 2013
New Computer!!
I'm a Mac! We went on Tuesday to go browsing at computers. I was only interested in the Macbook Air models, because I don't have any heavy duty computer functions that I do. The first hurdle I had to get through was the touchpad. There are no separate buttons for right-clicking. I was nearly ready to walk away because if I could not figure out how to right click, this wasn't going to work. Luckily, the people at the Apple store were incredibly helpful with my stupid questions. :) So which one to get.... they had an 11 and 13 inch to choose from for size, and my last laptop was an 11 inch. I bought that one small because I needed it to be small enough for the desks at school, and light enough to carry with me. But I have been so used to it, it seemed strange to go with a bigger screen. My eyes however won, the bigger screen it is. I don't need a ton of memory, so I wanted the model with 128GB memory, and they were all sold out. As were all the stores in our area. So unless we wanted to go to Wisconsin or Michigan Avenue. Hmmm.
I didn't want to spend more on the higher memory, or compromise on the smaller screen. I was pretty bummed. I could order it and have it delivered, but it was going take at least a week for it to arrive. We were going to leave, and maybe check out Best Buy, when someone from the store stopped us and told us to wait. The guy who was helping us told us they were going to give us the 256GB model for the price of the 128GB one. I was completely blown away. They also discounted the apple care for me. It was so unexpected, I was almost in tears that they did this for me given they rarely discount their products.
I love my new laptop. There are a lot of things that are really different, like the Control vs Command button. And how to do a screen capture. Or how to print a picture from a website. Luckily my friends have been helping with all these little things. It is otherwise still just a laptop, but I do love that the charger connects by magnet. On my last two laptops, they have been plug in ports that fail over time. I am very very happy with my choice.
I got to the gym today. I have been majorly slacking since the Color Run. I was sore when we came back from Milwaukee, then I had my weekend to work, and lack of motivation has been haunting me. I haven't gone to weigh in since the day we left for Milwaukee, and I am not going back until I loose the weight I've gained. I need to keep reminding myself of my reasons for doing this. I want to be healthier. I do not want to be the obese pregnant woman. I want to shop at more than 3 stores. I want to be able to fit in the seats of the roller coasters at Six Flags. I want to be able to wrap a single towel completely around me. I want to have some chance of survival in case I'm ever thrust into a Hunger Games type of situation. I mean, seriously, I'd be the first one to go.
Therapy is going ok. Benefits of it are not being seen totally, but I am identifying thought processes that I need to change. Like the disruption that is caused in my life by my worrying about what-ifs. Like something bad happens with someone, and I spend a disabling amount of time worrying about what it means, what if this, what if that, what if I respond this way, and then they respond that way? I can't function. I also have a really hard time not absorbing what I think people think about me. She thinks I'm horrible or stupid, well I must be both, right? I exhaust myself with my worrying, honestly.
Side note, I have decided I don't drink enough wine. I am ready to commit to buying at least 1 bottle of wine each week. Pink Moscato is seriously my luvvah right now. I may be working on my 2nd glass this evening while typing this. I may be pretty buzzed, too. But you won't know for sure because you are just reading some text on a blog, and can't fully experience buzzed Nurse Bearica. Too bad.
Wine good. What ifs bad.
In good news, I get to eat some BBQ Pulled Pork Nachos tomorrow with a friend I haven't seen in a while tomorrow, and I'm super excited. And we finally got new pillows, we loved our current ones to pillow death. Strawberry Vodka is good mixed with pineapple juice and strawberry orange banana juice. Oreo Salted Caramel ice cream at Baskin Robbins is ahhh-may-zing. I'm totally jealous of friends going to Vegas next month and wishing they would stuff me in their luggage, but if not, I just asked that they see LOVE or Zumanity and eat a crepe at Jean Phillipe for me at the Bellagio. I have to brave Babies R Us again soon for a friend's baby shower, and I cringe a little at the promised overwhelmed feeling that will come over me by the hundreds of different fucking pacifiers and bottles, and nipple pads, and baby soaps (that smell amazing, but that's besides the point). I'm either going to grab the first thing I can (that will be good for a gift), OR I'm gonna go home and immediately throw away my BC pills. Let's hope for option A.
2nd glass is finished, and buzzed feeling has intensified to the point that laying down and resting my head on new pillows is necessary. :) Thanks god for spellcheck.
I didn't want to spend more on the higher memory, or compromise on the smaller screen. I was pretty bummed. I could order it and have it delivered, but it was going take at least a week for it to arrive. We were going to leave, and maybe check out Best Buy, when someone from the store stopped us and told us to wait. The guy who was helping us told us they were going to give us the 256GB model for the price of the 128GB one. I was completely blown away. They also discounted the apple care for me. It was so unexpected, I was almost in tears that they did this for me given they rarely discount their products.
I love my new laptop. There are a lot of things that are really different, like the Control vs Command button. And how to do a screen capture. Or how to print a picture from a website. Luckily my friends have been helping with all these little things. It is otherwise still just a laptop, but I do love that the charger connects by magnet. On my last two laptops, they have been plug in ports that fail over time. I am very very happy with my choice.
I got to the gym today. I have been majorly slacking since the Color Run. I was sore when we came back from Milwaukee, then I had my weekend to work, and lack of motivation has been haunting me. I haven't gone to weigh in since the day we left for Milwaukee, and I am not going back until I loose the weight I've gained. I need to keep reminding myself of my reasons for doing this. I want to be healthier. I do not want to be the obese pregnant woman. I want to shop at more than 3 stores. I want to be able to fit in the seats of the roller coasters at Six Flags. I want to be able to wrap a single towel completely around me. I want to have some chance of survival in case I'm ever thrust into a Hunger Games type of situation. I mean, seriously, I'd be the first one to go.
Therapy is going ok. Benefits of it are not being seen totally, but I am identifying thought processes that I need to change. Like the disruption that is caused in my life by my worrying about what-ifs. Like something bad happens with someone, and I spend a disabling amount of time worrying about what it means, what if this, what if that, what if I respond this way, and then they respond that way? I can't function. I also have a really hard time not absorbing what I think people think about me. She thinks I'm horrible or stupid, well I must be both, right? I exhaust myself with my worrying, honestly.
Side note, I have decided I don't drink enough wine. I am ready to commit to buying at least 1 bottle of wine each week. Pink Moscato is seriously my luvvah right now. I may be working on my 2nd glass this evening while typing this. I may be pretty buzzed, too. But you won't know for sure because you are just reading some text on a blog, and can't fully experience buzzed Nurse Bearica. Too bad.
Wine good. What ifs bad.
In good news, I get to eat some BBQ Pulled Pork Nachos tomorrow with a friend I haven't seen in a while tomorrow, and I'm super excited. And we finally got new pillows, we loved our current ones to pillow death. Strawberry Vodka is good mixed with pineapple juice and strawberry orange banana juice. Oreo Salted Caramel ice cream at Baskin Robbins is ahhh-may-zing. I'm totally jealous of friends going to Vegas next month and wishing they would stuff me in their luggage, but if not, I just asked that they see LOVE or Zumanity and eat a crepe at Jean Phillipe for me at the Bellagio. I have to brave Babies R Us again soon for a friend's baby shower, and I cringe a little at the promised overwhelmed feeling that will come over me by the hundreds of different fucking pacifiers and bottles, and nipple pads, and baby soaps (that smell amazing, but that's besides the point). I'm either going to grab the first thing I can (that will be good for a gift), OR I'm gonna go home and immediately throw away my BC pills. Let's hope for option A.
2nd glass is finished, and buzzed feeling has intensified to the point that laying down and resting my head on new pillows is necessary. :) Thanks god for spellcheck.
Monday, August 5, 2013
I Snapped
At one of my newer coworkers. I felt so bad about it on the drive home the other night because I didn't want to be like that. It was unfortunately necessary because she didn't seem to understand my shift is over at 11. I can't stay for half an hour past that just to hold her hand and explain things to her that she should already know. But I was willing to quickly do what I could, and asked her to log into our computer system so I could walk her through something. She ignored me while reading some stupid post it note. I asked her again to log in. Again, she ignored me in favor of this stupid piece of yellow paper. So I snapped, and said log in again in a not very nice manner, but in an urgent, move your ass kind of way. She finally started moving and logged in.
If you need my help, especially when you are asking for it when I should be walking out the door, you need to be quick with it. I'm so willing to help, but when it crawls into the territory of me potentially getting into trouble because I'm staying way past my time, I'm not ok with that. She is very nice, but it just seems to take a lot for things to sink in. Of course this is certainly better than the other new girl who is terrorizing our overnight care managers because she's on some "I'm a nurse, bitches..... now bow before me" power trip.
Don't piss off the ones who can be your biggest help!! In my work, the care managers don't work under us, they have their own supervisors, routines, chores, etc. that they manage completely on their own. Do I sometimes call them when I need help sitting a resident up so I can give them their pills? Yes, but I always thank them. I am constantly thanking them. I do not want to be the nurse they hate working with, and luckily I think most of them like me. I may direct them to do certain things from to time, but its usually only from a medical stand point, where I am the ruling factor. Otherwise, I don't worry about if they are doing their job or not, cuz that isn't MY job to do so. So, I hope the other newbie can figure this out, or she's not going to have a team at night that wants to work with her. And she's already got a nursing team that isn't sure they want to work with her. We had really high hopes for her, especially cause she was a medic, but she's just getting weird.
I'm always intrigued by the diverse type of personalities that choose to become nurses. Some are just nurturing all around, and you want to be besties with them. Some are straight up hateful, but they know their shit. Some just seem like they are going through the motions. Some have the caring part down, but don't have a clue what's going on and have no instincts at all. I feel I have been blessed with a good mix of caring, having some instincts to know when something's wrong and what to do, and I learn quickly. So if I mess up, I instantly learn. I'm certainly far from perfect.
In other news, my laptop is dead. The screen was smashed when my hubby accidentally stepped on it. It's my fault for setting it on the floor. We were looking at $100 for Best Buy to back up the files and pictures from it, $35 to diagnose and give a repair estimate, then I'm sure at least a couple hundred dollars to replace the screen on a laptop I bought 2.5 years ago, with a total cost of $700 that included the 2 year warranty that expired in March. It's certainly not worth the base price it was 2.5 years ago. Plus the charger connection port was failing and it was difficult to keep a charge on it. So, we opted to not repair it.
Mike was able to save us $100 by hooking up the laptop to our desktop monitor, so we just copied everything over to a flash drive. Monkeys could do it! It was seriously super easy. So now on to the shopping for a new laptop. I have enjoyed my Sony Vaio, if I were going to go the PC route, I'd buy this brand again. But I have learned there are no local repair shops, so if anything does go wrong, I'd have to ship it out. They also have the new Windows 8 with all the weird boxes on the desktop. I haven't played with it, but my gut instinct is that I'm not gonna like it. It looks too busy, and I like having all the icons to one side or in one nice tidy space.
Then there is the MacBook Air. I am a fan of Apple products. I have my iPhone and my iPad. But the idea of switching from PC to Mac is a bit intimidating. The first computers I ever used were Apple or Macs in school, but I've otherwise always used PCs. Plus the base price is a few hundred dollars higher. There are Apple stores everywhere around us if I did ever have an issue, plus I have friends who love theirs. So, I've gotta go play around with them and check them out before I decide. I have to admit though, I am finding myself already being swayed heavily to the Mac side.
If you need my help, especially when you are asking for it when I should be walking out the door, you need to be quick with it. I'm so willing to help, but when it crawls into the territory of me potentially getting into trouble because I'm staying way past my time, I'm not ok with that. She is very nice, but it just seems to take a lot for things to sink in. Of course this is certainly better than the other new girl who is terrorizing our overnight care managers because she's on some "I'm a nurse, bitches..... now bow before me" power trip.
Don't piss off the ones who can be your biggest help!! In my work, the care managers don't work under us, they have their own supervisors, routines, chores, etc. that they manage completely on their own. Do I sometimes call them when I need help sitting a resident up so I can give them their pills? Yes, but I always thank them. I am constantly thanking them. I do not want to be the nurse they hate working with, and luckily I think most of them like me. I may direct them to do certain things from to time, but its usually only from a medical stand point, where I am the ruling factor. Otherwise, I don't worry about if they are doing their job or not, cuz that isn't MY job to do so. So, I hope the other newbie can figure this out, or she's not going to have a team at night that wants to work with her. And she's already got a nursing team that isn't sure they want to work with her. We had really high hopes for her, especially cause she was a medic, but she's just getting weird.
I'm always intrigued by the diverse type of personalities that choose to become nurses. Some are just nurturing all around, and you want to be besties with them. Some are straight up hateful, but they know their shit. Some just seem like they are going through the motions. Some have the caring part down, but don't have a clue what's going on and have no instincts at all. I feel I have been blessed with a good mix of caring, having some instincts to know when something's wrong and what to do, and I learn quickly. So if I mess up, I instantly learn. I'm certainly far from perfect.
In other news, my laptop is dead. The screen was smashed when my hubby accidentally stepped on it. It's my fault for setting it on the floor. We were looking at $100 for Best Buy to back up the files and pictures from it, $35 to diagnose and give a repair estimate, then I'm sure at least a couple hundred dollars to replace the screen on a laptop I bought 2.5 years ago, with a total cost of $700 that included the 2 year warranty that expired in March. It's certainly not worth the base price it was 2.5 years ago. Plus the charger connection port was failing and it was difficult to keep a charge on it. So, we opted to not repair it.
Mike was able to save us $100 by hooking up the laptop to our desktop monitor, so we just copied everything over to a flash drive. Monkeys could do it! It was seriously super easy. So now on to the shopping for a new laptop. I have enjoyed my Sony Vaio, if I were going to go the PC route, I'd buy this brand again. But I have learned there are no local repair shops, so if anything does go wrong, I'd have to ship it out. They also have the new Windows 8 with all the weird boxes on the desktop. I haven't played with it, but my gut instinct is that I'm not gonna like it. It looks too busy, and I like having all the icons to one side or in one nice tidy space.
Then there is the MacBook Air. I am a fan of Apple products. I have my iPhone and my iPad. But the idea of switching from PC to Mac is a bit intimidating. The first computers I ever used were Apple or Macs in school, but I've otherwise always used PCs. Plus the base price is a few hundred dollars higher. There are Apple stores everywhere around us if I did ever have an issue, plus I have friends who love theirs. So, I've gotta go play around with them and check them out before I decide. I have to admit though, I am finding myself already being swayed heavily to the Mac side.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
Organized
I'm not the kind of girl who stays in committed relationships. It's always love at first sight, the romance, the not being able to get enough. But then things get boring, like each day of the week just looks the same. Needs and wants aren't being met anymore, so the eye gets to wondering. You start seeing what your other options are, and how nice and fresh they look and smell, like nice clean slates to just start all over. You dance around the guilt of being tempted to stray, days, weeks, hell...months even. But there will come that day where you can no longer resist temptation, and you give in. You can never go back, so you don't look back at what you just gave up, you just move on. And the cycle continues.
Now, if you thought I was talking about relationships with other people, you should get your head out of the gutter. I was talking about my relationships with planners and other paper-like products. I love getting a new planner in my hands to fill out with all of my dates and appointments. I will say that I have fallen in love with and remained committed to my Erin Condren Life Planner. This is the first time in my life I have used a planner for the entire year without dumping it for a different model. There are frustrating things that I have experienced with ordering, but eventually once all the problems are fixed, I'm happy. Plus, usually when they makes mistakes, that means I get a discount towards my next order, so it all works out in the end.
Now that I have found my perfect planer, I've been trying to find a good way for Mike to be able to see my schedule. We tried google calendars, but its honestly such a pain in the ass to update. I gave up earlier this year. So, in the mean time he's just had to guess where I was and hoped to be right. So, I found some free printable calendars via Pinterest. This site Elli.com has so many effing adorable things on their site, some free, some to buy. Luckily, I just need a simple calendar that had a cute design at the top, and they serve it up for free. So, now, we have a completely free and adorable calendar to hang on our fridge, and Mike can see everything. I've written all of our appointments, plans with friends/family, and circled my planned weekends to work for him to see easily if I should be free. I don't like to put my schedule on the calendar until my boss posts it for the month, just in case I end up needing to switch with someone for whatever reason. I'm really, really happy with it. Plus, its just one page, no funky picture at the top like traditional calendars. I don't like that they take up so much space on the wall. Maybe I'll feel differently once we have kids, but right now, I'll skip it.
I also keep seeing these really really adorable customized budget templates on Pinterest, but none of them are what I would want. I do our bills on a weekly basis, and most templates are set up for a monthly basis. I like to be able to see what's coming in each week, and what's going out, and what we have left over. To me, it helps keep things in line without ending up with $20 for groceries at the end of the month because you didn't pay much attention to it the rest of the month. And yes, I've tried Mint.com, and I still use it to keep an eye on all of our accounts, like checkings, savings, 401Ks, etcetera etcetera....I absolutely hate using it to keep track of our budget. I constantly had to go in, re-label charges with the correct category, or change the date of something so it applied to the right month. It is just not user friendly to me, and I gave up.
I'm also just not a fan in general of the whole "$100 for going out, $200 for gas, $40 for coffee, etc." type of budget. We set money aside for things we need, but going as far as saying, well, you've already met your $40 limit for coffee, so I guess you're just gonna have to be tired!! Not a fan. Our bills are paid, we have savings, I'm not gonna micromanage how we divvy up the remainder.
So, no on the Mint.com front. I've used programs like Microsoft Money, etc, and they are all basically the same. Too much work, especially given its not what I need. I just need something to show me what's coming in, what's gotta go out, and what we have left over So I just made my own, and I'm quite in love with it. I've made SEVERAL before. But this is the first pretty one. Plus instead of keeping it on my computer, and updating everything there, I just decided to print it out and update it in pencil. This way, we can both see it, I don' have to keep printing new copies every time I change something, and its not easy to avoid. If we spent too much, we're gonna see it rather than not opening the budget spreadsheet until the next month. I used a cute font I downloaded months ago, and used cute colors. I get tickled pink by things like this.
Of course, if I can get more creative making my own budget sheets, I won't hesitate a second to drop my current love. lol
But I do feel so much more organized right after filling out new calendars and budget planning sheets. It just makes me feel like an adult who has her shit together, and I certainly never thought I'd LIKE feeling like this when I was younger. Lordy, when I got my first debit card in high school, I over-drafted all the time. I was not a saver, or a check-book balance-er, or a plan ahead type person. It was just, I have $5, what can I get with $5? And that was life. Luckily, I wised up quickly during my psychology college days, and I've never over-drafted again. I was a day late paying a bill here and there during nursing school because I'd be so overwhelmed that I would just completely forget to set up the payment, but otherwise, I always pay early, like the statement isn't ready yet, and I want to pay it. It's a problem I like having.
It's my weekend to work, and hopefully all goes well. I hate to say this, because it sounds so awful, but I'm glad I'm not at the bottom of the totem pole anymore. There are 3 girls who are newer than me now, and while it doesn't completely take the sting out of the two girls picking on me, it has shown me what confidence I do have. I'm happy to see that I have not taken the same method of being on the attack in correcting my new coworkers as I've gotten the pleasure of experiencing. Mistakes happen, and I believe I can be softer in my approach because I still make mistakes. It is also helping me take the mistakes I do make in stride a little better. How can I tell my new coworkers its ok, mistakes happen, if I beat myself up over each of my own mistakes?
Work is going to go the way it is going to go. No matter how well I plan, my shift is gonna be what it wants to be. I just have to remind myself, I always get it done someway somehow, if I have to stay late, I have to stay late. And I need to slow down my rush when it comes to paperwork, those are the mistakes that come back to bite me in the butt later. Those are the ones that could cause someone else to make a mistake because I wrote an order wrong. Anyway, I just have to make sure I'm making good use of my time, and as hard as it is, not spending too much time chatting with my residents, because I just don't have as much time to spend as I would like, and that's just the way it is.
I took this week off (not completely intentionally) of Weight Watchers and exercising. The weekend was full of good food, then I was busy with work, and then I had this damned craving for BBQ Pulled Pork Nachos, and the scale has certainly expressed all of it. Luckily, since it is my work weekend, it actually easier to get back on track, because I don't have as much free time to pig out. I just have to make the rest of the week count since I skipped weigh in. Reaching 50 lbs is gonna be the death of me, I am having a hard time getting back in gear and sticking to it. Maybe because I have felt so good about the improvements I've seen already in how I look, that the impetus to keep going is fading? I dunno, but I gotta cut it out. I have a timed 5k I need to get ready for, and I will not accept any excuses this time on why I can not run all of it.
And my little sister just started her last year in high school. It is completely insane that she is a senior. I remember vividly the day she was born, waiting to get to go to the hospital, getting the button with her foot print on it that I proudly wore to school. Getting to go eat at Cracker Barrel with just Dad and me and Lena and Zach, something that didn't get to happen very often. I remember becoming a pro at changing diapers, mixing formula, and my favorite of getting her to fall asleep on my chest. I was Jr. Mom. And now that little baby girl is a senior in high school. And I'm gonna feel REALLY old when the littlest one is a senior in high school, only 6 more years for that! It is pretty insane when you think of the span of all of our ages, My older sister is 32, I'm 29, my brother is 27, little sis #1 is 17, and little sis #2 is 11. My poor parents. lol
Well, I gotta get moving, I have some errands I need to run before work, so that's all I got for now. :)
Now, if you thought I was talking about relationships with other people, you should get your head out of the gutter. I was talking about my relationships with planners and other paper-like products. I love getting a new planner in my hands to fill out with all of my dates and appointments. I will say that I have fallen in love with and remained committed to my Erin Condren Life Planner. This is the first time in my life I have used a planner for the entire year without dumping it for a different model. There are frustrating things that I have experienced with ordering, but eventually once all the problems are fixed, I'm happy. Plus, usually when they makes mistakes, that means I get a discount towards my next order, so it all works out in the end.
Now that I have found my perfect planer, I've been trying to find a good way for Mike to be able to see my schedule. We tried google calendars, but its honestly such a pain in the ass to update. I gave up earlier this year. So, in the mean time he's just had to guess where I was and hoped to be right. So, I found some free printable calendars via Pinterest. This site Elli.com has so many effing adorable things on their site, some free, some to buy. Luckily, I just need a simple calendar that had a cute design at the top, and they serve it up for free. So, now, we have a completely free and adorable calendar to hang on our fridge, and Mike can see everything. I've written all of our appointments, plans with friends/family, and circled my planned weekends to work for him to see easily if I should be free. I don't like to put my schedule on the calendar until my boss posts it for the month, just in case I end up needing to switch with someone for whatever reason. I'm really, really happy with it. Plus, its just one page, no funky picture at the top like traditional calendars. I don't like that they take up so much space on the wall. Maybe I'll feel differently once we have kids, but right now, I'll skip it.
I also keep seeing these really really adorable customized budget templates on Pinterest, but none of them are what I would want. I do our bills on a weekly basis, and most templates are set up for a monthly basis. I like to be able to see what's coming in each week, and what's going out, and what we have left over. To me, it helps keep things in line without ending up with $20 for groceries at the end of the month because you didn't pay much attention to it the rest of the month. And yes, I've tried Mint.com, and I still use it to keep an eye on all of our accounts, like checkings, savings, 401Ks, etcetera etcetera....I absolutely hate using it to keep track of our budget. I constantly had to go in, re-label charges with the correct category, or change the date of something so it applied to the right month. It is just not user friendly to me, and I gave up.
I'm also just not a fan in general of the whole "$100 for going out, $200 for gas, $40 for coffee, etc." type of budget. We set money aside for things we need, but going as far as saying, well, you've already met your $40 limit for coffee, so I guess you're just gonna have to be tired!! Not a fan. Our bills are paid, we have savings, I'm not gonna micromanage how we divvy up the remainder.
So, no on the Mint.com front. I've used programs like Microsoft Money, etc, and they are all basically the same. Too much work, especially given its not what I need. I just need something to show me what's coming in, what's gotta go out, and what we have left over So I just made my own, and I'm quite in love with it. I've made SEVERAL before. But this is the first pretty one. Plus instead of keeping it on my computer, and updating everything there, I just decided to print it out and update it in pencil. This way, we can both see it, I don' have to keep printing new copies every time I change something, and its not easy to avoid. If we spent too much, we're gonna see it rather than not opening the budget spreadsheet until the next month. I used a cute font I downloaded months ago, and used cute colors. I get tickled pink by things like this.
Of course, if I can get more creative making my own budget sheets, I won't hesitate a second to drop my current love. lol
But I do feel so much more organized right after filling out new calendars and budget planning sheets. It just makes me feel like an adult who has her shit together, and I certainly never thought I'd LIKE feeling like this when I was younger. Lordy, when I got my first debit card in high school, I over-drafted all the time. I was not a saver, or a check-book balance-er, or a plan ahead type person. It was just, I have $5, what can I get with $5? And that was life. Luckily, I wised up quickly during my psychology college days, and I've never over-drafted again. I was a day late paying a bill here and there during nursing school because I'd be so overwhelmed that I would just completely forget to set up the payment, but otherwise, I always pay early, like the statement isn't ready yet, and I want to pay it. It's a problem I like having.
It's my weekend to work, and hopefully all goes well. I hate to say this, because it sounds so awful, but I'm glad I'm not at the bottom of the totem pole anymore. There are 3 girls who are newer than me now, and while it doesn't completely take the sting out of the two girls picking on me, it has shown me what confidence I do have. I'm happy to see that I have not taken the same method of being on the attack in correcting my new coworkers as I've gotten the pleasure of experiencing. Mistakes happen, and I believe I can be softer in my approach because I still make mistakes. It is also helping me take the mistakes I do make in stride a little better. How can I tell my new coworkers its ok, mistakes happen, if I beat myself up over each of my own mistakes?
Work is going to go the way it is going to go. No matter how well I plan, my shift is gonna be what it wants to be. I just have to remind myself, I always get it done someway somehow, if I have to stay late, I have to stay late. And I need to slow down my rush when it comes to paperwork, those are the mistakes that come back to bite me in the butt later. Those are the ones that could cause someone else to make a mistake because I wrote an order wrong. Anyway, I just have to make sure I'm making good use of my time, and as hard as it is, not spending too much time chatting with my residents, because I just don't have as much time to spend as I would like, and that's just the way it is.
I took this week off (not completely intentionally) of Weight Watchers and exercising. The weekend was full of good food, then I was busy with work, and then I had this damned craving for BBQ Pulled Pork Nachos, and the scale has certainly expressed all of it. Luckily, since it is my work weekend, it actually easier to get back on track, because I don't have as much free time to pig out. I just have to make the rest of the week count since I skipped weigh in. Reaching 50 lbs is gonna be the death of me, I am having a hard time getting back in gear and sticking to it. Maybe because I have felt so good about the improvements I've seen already in how I look, that the impetus to keep going is fading? I dunno, but I gotta cut it out. I have a timed 5k I need to get ready for, and I will not accept any excuses this time on why I can not run all of it.
And my little sister just started her last year in high school. It is completely insane that she is a senior. I remember vividly the day she was born, waiting to get to go to the hospital, getting the button with her foot print on it that I proudly wore to school. Getting to go eat at Cracker Barrel with just Dad and me and Lena and Zach, something that didn't get to happen very often. I remember becoming a pro at changing diapers, mixing formula, and my favorite of getting her to fall asleep on my chest. I was Jr. Mom. And now that little baby girl is a senior in high school. And I'm gonna feel REALLY old when the littlest one is a senior in high school, only 6 more years for that! It is pretty insane when you think of the span of all of our ages, My older sister is 32, I'm 29, my brother is 27, little sis #1 is 17, and little sis #2 is 11. My poor parents. lol
Well, I gotta get moving, I have some errands I need to run before work, so that's all I got for now. :)
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