I woke up today zapped. My brain is barely functioning, and my body feels like it is fighting me in every move I make. I'm not really sore, just I feel zapped of all of my energy. I had a very hellish shift yesterday with having to send a resident to the hospital, and another one coming home from a very long stay at the hospital. It's nice how that resident also came home with their IV still, which is a whole other headache because our facility isn't licensed for me to take it out, which is ridiculous, but we actually have to get orders from the doctor to get a home health nurse to come out and take it out. I think its just silly, I took out tons of IVs as a PCT, yet now that I'm a nurse, I can't because of the facility rules. It just seems silly.
Anyway, I was horribly behind as a result of these things which unfortunately are very time consuming. I finished my med pass on time, but I had so much paperwork to do and charting, that I still ended up leaving late. Plus this was the first time where I had to do all of the orders for a re-admit, usually the orders are done before my shift even starts, and I just have to do the assessment when they get there. So, it wasn't too bad except for the whole "what the hell do I do with this IV situation?!?!". I told my boss she could call me if I screwed anything up, and put a frowny face at the bottom. I was so upset with myself for being so thrown by it.
As soon as I got home, I went straight to sleep. I was so mentally and physically exhausted, with the worst headache I've had in a long time. And when I woke up this morning, at nearly 9, my body was acting as if it was being forced to wake up at 2 in the morning or something. As much as I was hoping to go do my run/walk or walk in the forest preserve, I'm trying to listen to my body as it is screaming for me to rest.
I have the day off today, and then I just work 5 short hours tomorrow, then no work until Monday at 3 p.m.! I'm really looking forward to having the time off with Mike, and just doing whatever we want.
We went up to Gurnee Mills the other day just to go to a different mall and check it out. It reminds me a lot of Opry Mills at home, but its nowhere near as nice. But I decided to look around in the Gap outlet, which was my go-to place to buy clothes when I got smaller 9 years ago. I always loved the quality of the clothes I bought there, versus Old Navy. The last time I tried on something at the gap was a few years ago, and it was an XXL, and it was too small for me. So, even though I've been fitting into Old Navy's XL, I wasn't sure I'd fit into Gap's. But I did. They had their shirts and wife beater tanks on sale for really cheap, and I found a couple of shirts on the clearance rack that were cute! I'm starting to feel ok with the collection of clothes in smaller sizes I am building up now that I may start considering clearing out my close of the bigger stuff.
It also got me thinking about the two stores I shop at most of the time, Lane Bryant and Torrid. I've always had a hit or miss type of relationship, LB is sometimes very geared towards older women, and the stuff they put out for younger women are just not my style at all. And Torrid, again, I'm heavily selective in what I buy from them, because their clothes usually show off way more cleavage than I want, or just not my style. So shopping has not been the most fun experience for me due to the limited choices I have had. I'm very much a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl, but it doesn't mean I don't care about looking cute.
My point in all of this, is that I've decided I'm not going to buy a single item from either of these stores ever again. The only exception being jeans, because Torrid carries my go-to jeans, but I hope to be able to hold off on buying anymore jeans until I fit into a size sold at other stores. I am happy that I am at this point where shopping at more stores than 2 or 3 is so reachably close. I know the clothes aren't what determines whether I'm successful or not, but it just feels good. It is like the frosting on the cake for me. So, yup, never buying again from the big girls only stores, and not looking back!
It is crazy that my closet is full, like....FULL full of clothes that I will likely never wear again. I was fortunate I guess to have maintained my weight so steadily throughout the years, and as a result, have build a large collection of clothes. However, now, I can't do that, because I don't plan on maintaining anything but a continued drop in my weight for quite some time to come, so I only want to buy enough to get me through until I reach the next size.
I need to get moving and do something productive today, last night's shift can not steal my day off from me like this!!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Weigh Day!
I am happy to say that I lost 4 pounds this week. My grand total so far is 37.4! I know I have really kicked butt this week going to the gym and walking in the forest preserve, but part of me is never really sure it has paid off as I make my way to the scale. I always get a little bit of self doubt as I am taking my shoes off and stepping on. I kinda hold my breath while I wait for the person weighing me in to say something, as long as they say something positive instead of simply "ok", then I know I'm ok. It is when they say nothing to you at all that you know you've bombed it that week. Luckily, that has only happened to me once, which was the week of my birthday, and I only gained 0.8 lbs that week, so I think I did alright! :)
I know this may come as really vain, but I love getting to talk about my milestones during my meetings. The applause I have gotten from my first weigh-in to today as I announced my 7th 5lb milestone just makes me feel like I'm doing something right. Obviously, it's not a good thing to have so much more weight to lose than the typical Weight Watcher, but it does feel good to know that my total pounds lost gets higher and higher, that maybe I'll inspire another person. I can't really say I have any secrets other than finding ways to incorporate foods that I love into my daily points and being more active, and not going on a downward spiral because of one bad meal, one bad day, or one bad week. You just gotta pick it up, and keep going.
I also had a really unexpected thing happen to me last night. I was looking at the workout pants at Target, because I wanted some capri pants since it is getting warmer outside. They didn't have very much in the size that I was looking for, which was a XXL. I tried on one pair, and I felt so self-conscious because of how paper thin these pants felt and thought I might have a Lululemon situation going on if I bent over. I decided to wait, but decided to take a really quick glance over to see if I couldn't find anything else that worked. That's when I saw a pair that seemed to be exactly what I wanted on a lovely XXL hanger. When I scanned it on the price check thing, it didn't come up, so I asked someone for help who told me they had been clearanced out of inventory, but she could give it to me for the last selling price, which was $6. I thought that sounded pretty fair, but I better try them on first for fear I wouldn't be allowed to return them. I doubled checked the size, yep, def a XXL. When I tried them on, I had a little trouble getting them up past my hips, but once I did, they fit fine. I didn't feel like I was being squeezed or constricted, so those babies were mine!!
I then get home, and start putting away our groceries and the pants were the last thing I took out of the bags. This seemed the moment where I could actually read the label on the tag right, and it said XL. I couldn't believe it at first, but my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. I honestly wouldn't have tried them on at all last night had I known before hand that they were only an XL because I would have assumed I couldn't fit into them. It was completely unexpected, yet definitely pleasing. :)
I also burned my way through 2.5 minute run intervals yesterday. Oh my goodness, my legs were burning!! But I did it. I know it will get easier. 1.5 minute runs sucked so bad when I first started doing them, and I didn't think I'd ever get used to it, but now, they are super easy to get through. So I know, I will someday giggle at myself for thinking 2.5 minute intervals were hard. I decided to give myself today off because I was a little hurty last night, which isn't that bad considering I worked out every single day last week. A little hurty is acceptable after 7 days.
My goal is to do the same this week up to Friday, since it is our anniversary. I don't plan on tracking much next weekend, but luckily since I weigh in on Saturdays, I can sandwich it between 2 weeks of working out to minimize the damage, lol. I'm halfway to my next goal, and I want to get there really bad!! But I also want to enjoy myself as we celebrate our 5 year milestone.
Other than that, I am just working my weekend. I hope for it to go as smoothly as it can. I had a real bad scare with one of my favorite residents. They started having chest pains, and luckily the nitrostat tabs alleviated it, but this was the first time I had to deal with this. This is the part of my job that I don't look forward to. You can't help but connect with people you care for everyday, and get to know them, and truly care for them beyond just simply "I'm your nurse, here are your pills, see you later". So, to think about the eventual passing away is not easy, and it takes quite a bit to keep myself from crying. I know it is something that is part of life, but I just can't help but be sad at the thought of it.
I know this may come as really vain, but I love getting to talk about my milestones during my meetings. The applause I have gotten from my first weigh-in to today as I announced my 7th 5lb milestone just makes me feel like I'm doing something right. Obviously, it's not a good thing to have so much more weight to lose than the typical Weight Watcher, but it does feel good to know that my total pounds lost gets higher and higher, that maybe I'll inspire another person. I can't really say I have any secrets other than finding ways to incorporate foods that I love into my daily points and being more active, and not going on a downward spiral because of one bad meal, one bad day, or one bad week. You just gotta pick it up, and keep going.
I also had a really unexpected thing happen to me last night. I was looking at the workout pants at Target, because I wanted some capri pants since it is getting warmer outside. They didn't have very much in the size that I was looking for, which was a XXL. I tried on one pair, and I felt so self-conscious because of how paper thin these pants felt and thought I might have a Lululemon situation going on if I bent over. I decided to wait, but decided to take a really quick glance over to see if I couldn't find anything else that worked. That's when I saw a pair that seemed to be exactly what I wanted on a lovely XXL hanger. When I scanned it on the price check thing, it didn't come up, so I asked someone for help who told me they had been clearanced out of inventory, but she could give it to me for the last selling price, which was $6. I thought that sounded pretty fair, but I better try them on first for fear I wouldn't be allowed to return them. I doubled checked the size, yep, def a XXL. When I tried them on, I had a little trouble getting them up past my hips, but once I did, they fit fine. I didn't feel like I was being squeezed or constricted, so those babies were mine!!
I then get home, and start putting away our groceries and the pants were the last thing I took out of the bags. This seemed the moment where I could actually read the label on the tag right, and it said XL. I couldn't believe it at first, but my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. I honestly wouldn't have tried them on at all last night had I known before hand that they were only an XL because I would have assumed I couldn't fit into them. It was completely unexpected, yet definitely pleasing. :)
I also burned my way through 2.5 minute run intervals yesterday. Oh my goodness, my legs were burning!! But I did it. I know it will get easier. 1.5 minute runs sucked so bad when I first started doing them, and I didn't think I'd ever get used to it, but now, they are super easy to get through. So I know, I will someday giggle at myself for thinking 2.5 minute intervals were hard. I decided to give myself today off because I was a little hurty last night, which isn't that bad considering I worked out every single day last week. A little hurty is acceptable after 7 days.
My goal is to do the same this week up to Friday, since it is our anniversary. I don't plan on tracking much next weekend, but luckily since I weigh in on Saturdays, I can sandwich it between 2 weeks of working out to minimize the damage, lol. I'm halfway to my next goal, and I want to get there really bad!! But I also want to enjoy myself as we celebrate our 5 year milestone.
Other than that, I am just working my weekend. I hope for it to go as smoothly as it can. I had a real bad scare with one of my favorite residents. They started having chest pains, and luckily the nitrostat tabs alleviated it, but this was the first time I had to deal with this. This is the part of my job that I don't look forward to. You can't help but connect with people you care for everyday, and get to know them, and truly care for them beyond just simply "I'm your nurse, here are your pills, see you later". So, to think about the eventual passing away is not easy, and it takes quite a bit to keep myself from crying. I know it is something that is part of life, but I just can't help but be sad at the thought of it.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Running and it Feels Good!
I'm just relaxing after my trip to the gym this morning. I decided I needed to slow it down a bit. My Weight Watchers app tells me its only running if I'm going 5 mph or more, and anything less is simply jogging. So, I've been pushing myself to run 5mph during my intervals, and I've been getting those lovely little pains in my sides. It made it harder for me to get through my run/walks because its harder to catch my breathe when my side hurts like that. I accepted that maybe it was a bit too much for me, and slowed down to 4.5 mph. This is far more agreeable with me, and breathing during my runs is much more manageable now. It allowed me to run my 1.5 minute intervals today without looking down at my phone to see if I could slow down yet. I'm still sweating bullets, I'm still putting in an incredible amount of effort while running, so I'm not gonna let it bother me that my Weight Watchers app tells me I'm only jogging. The important thing here is that I'm building up my endurance, the speed will come later.
Weigh-in on Saturday went well, despite my acceptance that I had to have gained due to my inactivity and eating off plan. I had actually lost 1.8 pounds! I'm down 33.4 pounds so far, and it definitely was a boost of motivation for me. I've gone to the gym or walked everyday from Saturday on. On the days where I have walked, Mike and I walked 2 hours in the nearby forest preserve. I found this app that tracks your mileage for you using GPS and I know it will be really helpful once I work my way up to running on the trails. It's call Runtastic, and the free version is all I need, but I will probably consider upgrading once I start running outside because it will give reminders over my music telling me how far I've gone, and I like that! Anyway, it is also really cool to see the distance you've walked on a map. We have been walking over 5 miles, and while we are pretty pooped after each one, its getting easier. Someday, I'm gonna make us walk the whole thing again, and we're gonna handle it like pros. :)
I also found a blog of a girl who lost over 100 pounds, and was running, too. She's at her goal weight now and also had the skin removal surgery. I was going through her posts about her surgery, and honestly, it made me question if I really wanted to put myself through that. She posted pictures of her incisions,the drains, etc.....and even as a nurse, it was a bit much for me. It made have scared me off from thinking about surgery, but I'm sure later on when the sagging skin is far more of a problem for me, that could change. Nonetheless, I love reading about other people who have made it through the 100+ pound weight loss journey and are looking great. It is very motivating for me to see people who were once my size, and are now are at their goal or near it. I realize I am very early on in my journey, but I already feel like I've made so much progress. 33.4 pounds lost, and I'm running, and wearing sizes I haven't been able to fit into in years....it is almost hard for me to believe sometimes.
I am feeling really good, though. My knee isn't hurting me. My feet hurt still, but I feel like its improving. I haven't given up, I have kept going despite my moments of feeling like I'm tired of not being able to eat whatever I want or that working out is for the birds. I am looking forward to being able to wait in line for a roller coaster without worrying if they are going to have a hard time getting me buckled in. Or not having to ask for a seat belt extender when we fly somewhere. I am reallllly looking forward to not being restricted to only shopping at a few stores. I am really happy with the progress I've made, so far, and can't wait for making more!
Weigh-in on Saturday went well, despite my acceptance that I had to have gained due to my inactivity and eating off plan. I had actually lost 1.8 pounds! I'm down 33.4 pounds so far, and it definitely was a boost of motivation for me. I've gone to the gym or walked everyday from Saturday on. On the days where I have walked, Mike and I walked 2 hours in the nearby forest preserve. I found this app that tracks your mileage for you using GPS and I know it will be really helpful once I work my way up to running on the trails. It's call Runtastic, and the free version is all I need, but I will probably consider upgrading once I start running outside because it will give reminders over my music telling me how far I've gone, and I like that! Anyway, it is also really cool to see the distance you've walked on a map. We have been walking over 5 miles, and while we are pretty pooped after each one, its getting easier. Someday, I'm gonna make us walk the whole thing again, and we're gonna handle it like pros. :)
I also found a blog of a girl who lost over 100 pounds, and was running, too. She's at her goal weight now and also had the skin removal surgery. I was going through her posts about her surgery, and honestly, it made me question if I really wanted to put myself through that. She posted pictures of her incisions,the drains, etc.....and even as a nurse, it was a bit much for me. It made have scared me off from thinking about surgery, but I'm sure later on when the sagging skin is far more of a problem for me, that could change. Nonetheless, I love reading about other people who have made it through the 100+ pound weight loss journey and are looking great. It is very motivating for me to see people who were once my size, and are now are at their goal or near it. I realize I am very early on in my journey, but I already feel like I've made so much progress. 33.4 pounds lost, and I'm running, and wearing sizes I haven't been able to fit into in years....it is almost hard for me to believe sometimes.
I am feeling really good, though. My knee isn't hurting me. My feet hurt still, but I feel like its improving. I haven't given up, I have kept going despite my moments of feeling like I'm tired of not being able to eat whatever I want or that working out is for the birds. I am looking forward to being able to wait in line for a roller coaster without worrying if they are going to have a hard time getting me buckled in. Or not having to ask for a seat belt extender when we fly somewhere. I am reallllly looking forward to not being restricted to only shopping at a few stores. I am really happy with the progress I've made, so far, and can't wait for making more!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Oh Dear, What did I get myself into?!
I just signed up for my first 5K today. And the original date we wanted to sign up for sold out, so we luckily were able to nab spots for 2 week before. I am feeling a mix of excitement and nausea right now. We signed up with my friend and her hubby, and we named our team Punky Brewsters :) I thought it was fitting for a color run in Milwaukee. Plus, who didn't love Punky Brewster? I know I did, she made me not hate my freckles so much when I was little.
I have unfortunately continued my spree of sucking. My knee wasn't quite ready when I started my run/walk over again. I added a glucosamine supplement to my morning regimen, and let my knee rest as much as I could between my shifts this week. Thankfully, I have seen a great improvement as a result. I actually am craving a run right now, and would be on a treadmill if my Grey's Anatomy and Scandal Season Finale's weren't on right now. But definitely going tomorrow for sure. My longtime friend told me she doesn't feel right when she misses her runs now, and its become part of who she is. She had an even worse knee injury than I did when we were in high school, so I know if she can do this, I can. She is my inspiration in such a large way in wanting to run, because she has shown me it is possible.
I am happy yet terrified all at the same time of this 5k, but I'm so unbelievably up to the challenge. :)
I am so happy my work week is coming to an end at my nursing job. It's been hellish, I got so behind nearly every night in my med pass. Then last night, I had to send my first resident out by ambulance. It happened right before my shift was supposed to end, and I was already behind in my charting. Sure, I could have let the nurse coming on take care of everything, but I just felt bad doing that. Plus, I needed to see it through so I won't be as flustered next time it happens. I didn't leave until nearly midnight, and then I got an ocular migraine while I was getting some gas. When this happens,my eye sight is affected in whichever eye that it happens to. So I had to sit for a while until it passed, but then I had a pounding headache the rest of the way home. Luckily, Mike took today off to be with me, so it all worked out and we got to sleep in.
I am officially done with my nutrition class!! I finished with an A. :) It is pretty disgusting how little effort I needed to put into this class to get an A. So now, I just have my work and more lovely, sweet free time to spend with my hubby......and running, of course! ;)
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Gah!!
I will never say I'd rather have someone be sick, fall, or be horribly behind in my med pass again over coworker conflict. I got dealt a good dose of all of that except the fall on Monday. Monday didn't go smoothly at all. I just hope today goes smoothly for me, I really do.
Oh, and that care manager who made me cry? Was told to shape up, because I wasn't going anywhere, and she needs to learn how to get along with the people she's working with or else she won't be working there. My boss was kick ass, I must say, and it made me feel good that she stood up for me.
Mikey's graduation was last night, and I was so proud of him walking across the stage!! I was panicking before we had to leave to pick up his mom because my schoolwork was taking WAY longer than I thought it would and left me rushing to get ready. But we made it there in good time, and all was well. The ceremony went pretty quickly, and then we got to go out for a celebratory dinner. Mikey even let us get pictures this time around! :). I am just so happy for him, and he is just such a great man. I am such a lucky girl.
Speaking of that, our big 5 year anniversary is a little over 2 weeks from now, and we are both looking forward to it! We have to work on our anniversary, but luckily I work day shift that day, so we will go out for a nice dinner and then we both have Saturday and Sunday off to spend together. We have left it pretty open so far (a.k.a. no time to actually sit and plan it), but it will be nice just to have 2 whole days off together which rarely happens. It is hard to fathom that we were just young stupid kids basically when we first met, and have grown up with each other. This can often cause couples to split, as growing up puts them on separate paths. We are very fortunate that our love survived that phase of our life.
We fight here and there, but it is usually because one of us is moody, and it never lasts more than a day. We are on the same page when it comes the the big stuff like money, when to start a family, etc. We both simply support each other, and make sure the other is taken care of, and the rest falls into place. Even when we do disagree, we are able to compromise or talk it out without blowing up at each other. Or we respect the difference in opinion while giving each other a lot of playful crap. It's Care-ah-mell, not Car-mull, Mike, get it right or pay the price. :)
We both listen to each other vent even though what we are talking about is Greek to the other. I can talk about giving lantus subcutaneously and carvedilol and lorazepam, while he talks about gear shifty things, and hinges, and back axles, and make-car-go-things, and things are 8/16 or whatever. We listen to each other anyway, even if we have no clue what language that is.
So we are going on 12 years of knowing each other, 9 years of having met in person, 8 years when we started officially dating (when I moved up here), and 5 years of happy marriage. I have been so incredibly blessed to have this man come into my life and make I couldn't be any happier than I am with my husband. :)
Oh, and that care manager who made me cry? Was told to shape up, because I wasn't going anywhere, and she needs to learn how to get along with the people she's working with or else she won't be working there. My boss was kick ass, I must say, and it made me feel good that she stood up for me.
Mikey's graduation was last night, and I was so proud of him walking across the stage!! I was panicking before we had to leave to pick up his mom because my schoolwork was taking WAY longer than I thought it would and left me rushing to get ready. But we made it there in good time, and all was well. The ceremony went pretty quickly, and then we got to go out for a celebratory dinner. Mikey even let us get pictures this time around! :). I am just so happy for him, and he is just such a great man. I am such a lucky girl.
Speaking of that, our big 5 year anniversary is a little over 2 weeks from now, and we are both looking forward to it! We have to work on our anniversary, but luckily I work day shift that day, so we will go out for a nice dinner and then we both have Saturday and Sunday off to spend together. We have left it pretty open so far (a.k.a. no time to actually sit and plan it), but it will be nice just to have 2 whole days off together which rarely happens. It is hard to fathom that we were just young stupid kids basically when we first met, and have grown up with each other. This can often cause couples to split, as growing up puts them on separate paths. We are very fortunate that our love survived that phase of our life.
We fight here and there, but it is usually because one of us is moody, and it never lasts more than a day. We are on the same page when it comes the the big stuff like money, when to start a family, etc. We both simply support each other, and make sure the other is taken care of, and the rest falls into place. Even when we do disagree, we are able to compromise or talk it out without blowing up at each other. Or we respect the difference in opinion while giving each other a lot of playful crap. It's Care-ah-mell, not Car-mull, Mike, get it right or pay the price. :)
We both listen to each other vent even though what we are talking about is Greek to the other. I can talk about giving lantus subcutaneously and carvedilol and lorazepam, while he talks about gear shifty things, and hinges, and back axles, and make-car-go-things, and things are 8/16 or whatever. We listen to each other anyway, even if we have no clue what language that is.
So we are going on 12 years of knowing each other, 9 years of having met in person, 8 years when we started officially dating (when I moved up here), and 5 years of happy marriage. I have been so incredibly blessed to have this man come into my life and make I couldn't be any happier than I am with my husband. :)
Monday, May 13, 2013
Really?
My facility is restraint free. We are there to watch out for and assist our residents in what is now their home. They can move around as they please. So when I see someone not allowing one of my residents to move about as they please, I will step in. I don't care how many years of experience you have as a caregiver, you can't block the elevator and tell that resident they can't go downstairs just because its going to be inconvenient to you to have to keep an eye on her downstairs. You also shouldn't put yourself in between a hard elevator door and that resident's walker, because now your safety is at risk. I'm gonna guess a walker doesn't feel too good when it gets slammed into your gut and legs because you are royally pissing off this resident.
So, when I intervene because I see the resident's rights being violated and both the resident's and your own safety being at risk, you don't get to tell me I was wrong. If you felt embarrassed, you should have because you made a situation escalate that didn't need to. You can throw in my face your tens of years of experience, and that I'm obviously younger (and I'm assuming your way of saying I'm young and stupid) in my face. I'm not your boss, but what I say goes in this situation. You can put words in my mouth if that is what helps you feel justified in going into a full on attack when I was trying to smooth things over with you because we still have to work together, and I didn't want there to be any tension.
I remained calm talking to this person despite their choosing to attack me for doing my job. But I went into the nurses office and closed the door so no one would hear me cry. I felt so pathetic calling my boss to inform her of the problem so that in case this person makes good on their threat to complain about me, she isn't caught off guard. It did feel good to know she thought I was in the right. I cried some more so I could get it out of my system because I don't want my residents to see me upset. I also didn't want this person to think she got to me.
I hate conflict. I really do. I could have just not bothered with her the rest of the night. However, leaving it to fester is no good either. I wanted to come to a middle ground with her because I'm sure I will have to work with her again. It's not fun to try and talk things out sometimes, but I believe wholeheartedly that it is necessary to do. I have also learned some people just aren't capable of doing this. Some people are just going to believe and hear what they want, and have no ability to see any other perspective. As much as I hate leaving things on bad terms, I know I can't fix it if the other person is content to do nothing. This the point where you just have to shake your head and give up.
I have to work in a couple of hours. I really hope today gives me problems other than this. I'll take a fall, or someone feeling sick, or having to call the pharmacy because they didn't deliver a med I need to give tonight. I'd rather be so horribly behind in my med pass than to have conflict with a fellow coworker.
Then tomorrow is a sweet day off with my hubby! :)
So, when I intervene because I see the resident's rights being violated and both the resident's and your own safety being at risk, you don't get to tell me I was wrong. If you felt embarrassed, you should have because you made a situation escalate that didn't need to. You can throw in my face your tens of years of experience, and that I'm obviously younger (and I'm assuming your way of saying I'm young and stupid) in my face. I'm not your boss, but what I say goes in this situation. You can put words in my mouth if that is what helps you feel justified in going into a full on attack when I was trying to smooth things over with you because we still have to work together, and I didn't want there to be any tension.
I remained calm talking to this person despite their choosing to attack me for doing my job. But I went into the nurses office and closed the door so no one would hear me cry. I felt so pathetic calling my boss to inform her of the problem so that in case this person makes good on their threat to complain about me, she isn't caught off guard. It did feel good to know she thought I was in the right. I cried some more so I could get it out of my system because I don't want my residents to see me upset. I also didn't want this person to think she got to me.
I hate conflict. I really do. I could have just not bothered with her the rest of the night. However, leaving it to fester is no good either. I wanted to come to a middle ground with her because I'm sure I will have to work with her again. It's not fun to try and talk things out sometimes, but I believe wholeheartedly that it is necessary to do. I have also learned some people just aren't capable of doing this. Some people are just going to believe and hear what they want, and have no ability to see any other perspective. As much as I hate leaving things on bad terms, I know I can't fix it if the other person is content to do nothing. This the point where you just have to shake your head and give up.
I have to work in a couple of hours. I really hope today gives me problems other than this. I'll take a fall, or someone feeling sick, or having to call the pharmacy because they didn't deliver a med I need to give tonight. I'd rather be so horribly behind in my med pass than to have conflict with a fellow coworker.
Then tomorrow is a sweet day off with my hubby! :)
Friday, May 10, 2013
Feeling Blue
This past week has been discouraging for a few reasons. As I mentioned, I had been in pain since last Thursday. Then when I did start to feel better, my shifts aggravate my knee. THEN, I break out in hives everywhere. My arms, legs, and in places one should not discuss. I have had this happen before, and its probably from something I ate, but who knows. Then of course, because of my discouragement from not being able to run this week, my intake has just been ridiculous and untracked. It snowballs easily.
Then I got my head bitten off by one of the more seasoned nurses because I am an idiot and ordered Bacitracin from the pharmacy because I thought she didn't. I learned yesterday that Bacitracin is nothing more than neosporin. She was being far more dramatic about it, like she was incensed because she thought I was questioning her handling of the order Sure, I am an idiot for not knowing I could have just used our own supplies, but was it necessary to berate me over antibiotic ointment? I'll pay the cost of whatever the pharmacy charges, it isn't like I overdosed someone on insulin, and this isn't like it was a full out regimen of antibiotics for someone with a UTI. Just laugh at me as you point out my mistake and drop it.
It really got to me, however, and I was nearly in tears. I was only at work for her to carry out her berating because I had to attend a class on challenging behaviors. Quite fitting, right? I know I'm new at this, and stupid, and will make mistakes....but if you talk to me like a respectful adult, I have no problem with being corrected. She however was talking to me like I was a child. I hope to never be like this when I am a more seasoned nurse. I will not be not one of those nurses who eat their young. And I hope to approach the situation with a more kind hearted humor when I see a young nurse not realize Bacitracin is simply Neosporin, of course, there is the possibility I was the only one stupid enough to not realize this.
Of course, then today, I wake up for work at the dental office, and I'm alternating between freezing, and sweating and just not feeling well. Luckily, my boss was ok with me taking the day off, so I slept until 9ish and have been trying to relax a little before my 3 shifts in a row begin tomorrow. Luckily we are still able to see my mom-in-law for Mother's day even though I have to work. And then Mike is having his graduation ceremony on Tuesday. I'm really happy for him. He finished up in December, but his school only does commencement in the Spring. I am really proud of him for sticking through it. He took one class at a time, and would go to class right after work and not get home until after 10 at night. He did this for four and a half years somehow. :) Luckily, both of his parents will be able to make it, and we're gonna celebrate at the Buffalo afterwards.
There was good news for me this week. I gave up and decided to finally buy some new jeans. I knew my jeans were getting more loose, but I didn't think they were loose enough to go down a size. I opted to start with a pair of skinny jeans, because they are the trend right now, in one size smaller. To my surprise, they fit and didn't look terrible on me. However, I couldn't get over how claustrophobic my calves felt, and I thought I looked like Cathy. Yes, the cartoon character.
Skinny jeans aren't for me right now. They didn't have a size smaller in my go-to jeans, so I had grabbed one two sizes smaller. After I tried on the skinny jeans, I was convinced this other pair wouldn't fit. But I tried it anyway, and hot diggity, they fit! I hadn't fit into this size jeans in 7 years. I was ecstatic. I also found my favorite cardigan on clearance in a few different colors, and I was able to fit into the XL size. I had bought one earlier this year in a XXL, and it was kind of swallowing me now. So I was happy to find them for only $10, and get some that fit me now. I got a few tops and wife beaters in XL, too, and I was one happy girl.
I am a bit in disbelief, I must say. The XL clothes are more snug, but I am ok with that because that means I'll get more time out of them. I am hoping to get some more use of my dresses this summer to hopefully avoid having to buy a ton of clothes as I get smaller. As long as they fit me around my girls ok, then I am good to go. Of course, that is a whole other issues. My girls will begin to shrink on me, too. Goodbye DDs, and hello C cups. Sigh.
I hope that I can get out of my little blue slump I have found myself in today. Definitely gonna have to skip weigh in tomorrow, which means I must kick ass this week to make up for it at the next weigh-in. I think the fact that we don't have much sunshine today is affecting things, too. I hate when I feel like this, I just feel like a slug. A lazy, hive-ridden, stupid slug.
Then I got my head bitten off by one of the more seasoned nurses because I am an idiot and ordered Bacitracin from the pharmacy because I thought she didn't. I learned yesterday that Bacitracin is nothing more than neosporin. She was being far more dramatic about it, like she was incensed because she thought I was questioning her handling of the order Sure, I am an idiot for not knowing I could have just used our own supplies, but was it necessary to berate me over antibiotic ointment? I'll pay the cost of whatever the pharmacy charges, it isn't like I overdosed someone on insulin, and this isn't like it was a full out regimen of antibiotics for someone with a UTI. Just laugh at me as you point out my mistake and drop it.
It really got to me, however, and I was nearly in tears. I was only at work for her to carry out her berating because I had to attend a class on challenging behaviors. Quite fitting, right? I know I'm new at this, and stupid, and will make mistakes....but if you talk to me like a respectful adult, I have no problem with being corrected. She however was talking to me like I was a child. I hope to never be like this when I am a more seasoned nurse. I will not be not one of those nurses who eat their young. And I hope to approach the situation with a more kind hearted humor when I see a young nurse not realize Bacitracin is simply Neosporin, of course, there is the possibility I was the only one stupid enough to not realize this.
Of course, then today, I wake up for work at the dental office, and I'm alternating between freezing, and sweating and just not feeling well. Luckily, my boss was ok with me taking the day off, so I slept until 9ish and have been trying to relax a little before my 3 shifts in a row begin tomorrow. Luckily we are still able to see my mom-in-law for Mother's day even though I have to work. And then Mike is having his graduation ceremony on Tuesday. I'm really happy for him. He finished up in December, but his school only does commencement in the Spring. I am really proud of him for sticking through it. He took one class at a time, and would go to class right after work and not get home until after 10 at night. He did this for four and a half years somehow. :) Luckily, both of his parents will be able to make it, and we're gonna celebrate at the Buffalo afterwards.
There was good news for me this week. I gave up and decided to finally buy some new jeans. I knew my jeans were getting more loose, but I didn't think they were loose enough to go down a size. I opted to start with a pair of skinny jeans, because they are the trend right now, in one size smaller. To my surprise, they fit and didn't look terrible on me. However, I couldn't get over how claustrophobic my calves felt, and I thought I looked like Cathy. Yes, the cartoon character.
Skinny jeans aren't for me right now. They didn't have a size smaller in my go-to jeans, so I had grabbed one two sizes smaller. After I tried on the skinny jeans, I was convinced this other pair wouldn't fit. But I tried it anyway, and hot diggity, they fit! I hadn't fit into this size jeans in 7 years. I was ecstatic. I also found my favorite cardigan on clearance in a few different colors, and I was able to fit into the XL size. I had bought one earlier this year in a XXL, and it was kind of swallowing me now. So I was happy to find them for only $10, and get some that fit me now. I got a few tops and wife beaters in XL, too, and I was one happy girl.
I am a bit in disbelief, I must say. The XL clothes are more snug, but I am ok with that because that means I'll get more time out of them. I am hoping to get some more use of my dresses this summer to hopefully avoid having to buy a ton of clothes as I get smaller. As long as they fit me around my girls ok, then I am good to go. Of course, that is a whole other issues. My girls will begin to shrink on me, too. Goodbye DDs, and hello C cups. Sigh.
I hope that I can get out of my little blue slump I have found myself in today. Definitely gonna have to skip weigh in tomorrow, which means I must kick ass this week to make up for it at the next weigh-in. I think the fact that we don't have much sunshine today is affecting things, too. I hate when I feel like this, I just feel like a slug. A lazy, hive-ridden, stupid slug.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Happy Nurses Week!!
I am beyond thrilled to get to celebrate my first Nurses week as a true and bonafide nurse. I still have a hard time saying "I am a nurse" sometimes, because it is still so new to me. It still feels good to say. I am still so incredibly grateful that I was able to accomplish this dream of mine, and all of the support I received along the way, and for everyone who believed in me even when I wasn't so sure of myself. I officially had completed all of my requirements for graduation by this point last year, and it is really hard to believe it has already been that long.
Nursing school feels more and more like a distant memory, which is a good thing when it comes to certain aspects. The paralyzing anxiety before simulation testing, while waiting for your test scores, and the gut punch when you see your holistic back in your mailbox with your teacher's grading on it. I would honestly suggest anyone about to start nursing school to get to your doctor, and get medication for anxiety immediately. I'm not sure how many more breakdowns I would have had without it.
So, now that I am a working nurse, it feels so good to truly celebrate Nurses week. Sure, I may not have ended up where I wanted to for my first job, but it isn't a bad job at all, and I love my residents. We were at a flea market yesterday, and I kept seeing things that I would have loved to buy because they reminded me of certain residents. I stopped myself because I didn't know how appropriate it would be to buy things for them, but it was hard to do so because I knew so-and-so collected these, or this would be aweseome because so-and-so used to play this instrument in their younger days. I've grown attached to them, and I know this will be an extremely difficult factor for me when I do someday land a nursing position in a hospital.
I have been halted in my running progress. I decided to start a May Squat Challenge, and foolishly off of one posted that started you at 80 squats for day one, 100 for day two, and so on. I did 100 squats Thursday night, and I have been in utter pain since then. Sitting down or standing up is incredibly painful, walking is painful, and my knee has been extremely
painful even just laying down. I have been told before to work through the pain, but this isn't just soreness, its been an almost crying in pain with each moment kind of situation. Sadly, I gave myself a break. I'm not going to be able to run at all if I push myself into a full-on injury.
Today has been the first day where I'm not in as much pain, so tomorrow, I may just go for an easy walk, and then on Wednesday, start my run/walk app over again. I am sad to be slowed down in my progress, but it is what it is. Normally, when this happens, I just stop going to the gym all together. This time is different for me, I know I need to get back as soon as it is safe to do so. Plus, we may be going to Milwaukee with my friend and her husband to do the Color Run in Milwaukee in August. That will give me 3 months to get into running mode, so resting now is in my best interest.. I know I can do it if I am smart about it! It also gives me a concrete goal, and it is a realistic one.
My weigh-in went alright on Saturday. I lost 0.8 pounds. I was a little disappointed, but I can't beat myself up after just having 5.2 loss the week before. It made it a little harder to enjoy myself when we went out with friends on Saturday and with Mom and Dad in law on Sunday, knowing I can't really work out much until I heal up. But it's ok, as long as I keep going, I'm still making progress. I did get an exercise mat and some hand weights so I can do other exercises at home, and it makes me feel good to get a collection of exercise items going.
Work is in a couple if hours, so I gotta get moving!!
Nursing school feels more and more like a distant memory, which is a good thing when it comes to certain aspects. The paralyzing anxiety before simulation testing, while waiting for your test scores, and the gut punch when you see your holistic back in your mailbox with your teacher's grading on it. I would honestly suggest anyone about to start nursing school to get to your doctor, and get medication for anxiety immediately. I'm not sure how many more breakdowns I would have had without it.
So, now that I am a working nurse, it feels so good to truly celebrate Nurses week. Sure, I may not have ended up where I wanted to for my first job, but it isn't a bad job at all, and I love my residents. We were at a flea market yesterday, and I kept seeing things that I would have loved to buy because they reminded me of certain residents. I stopped myself because I didn't know how appropriate it would be to buy things for them, but it was hard to do so because I knew so-and-so collected these, or this would be aweseome because so-and-so used to play this instrument in their younger days. I've grown attached to them, and I know this will be an extremely difficult factor for me when I do someday land a nursing position in a hospital.
I have been halted in my running progress. I decided to start a May Squat Challenge, and foolishly off of one posted that started you at 80 squats for day one, 100 for day two, and so on. I did 100 squats Thursday night, and I have been in utter pain since then. Sitting down or standing up is incredibly painful, walking is painful, and my knee has been extremely
painful even just laying down. I have been told before to work through the pain, but this isn't just soreness, its been an almost crying in pain with each moment kind of situation. Sadly, I gave myself a break. I'm not going to be able to run at all if I push myself into a full-on injury.
Today has been the first day where I'm not in as much pain, so tomorrow, I may just go for an easy walk, and then on Wednesday, start my run/walk app over again. I am sad to be slowed down in my progress, but it is what it is. Normally, when this happens, I just stop going to the gym all together. This time is different for me, I know I need to get back as soon as it is safe to do so. Plus, we may be going to Milwaukee with my friend and her husband to do the Color Run in Milwaukee in August. That will give me 3 months to get into running mode, so resting now is in my best interest.. I know I can do it if I am smart about it! It also gives me a concrete goal, and it is a realistic one.
My weigh-in went alright on Saturday. I lost 0.8 pounds. I was a little disappointed, but I can't beat myself up after just having 5.2 loss the week before. It made it a little harder to enjoy myself when we went out with friends on Saturday and with Mom and Dad in law on Sunday, knowing I can't really work out much until I heal up. But it's ok, as long as I keep going, I'm still making progress. I did get an exercise mat and some hand weights so I can do other exercises at home, and it makes me feel good to get a collection of exercise items going.
Work is in a couple if hours, so I gotta get moving!!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
I Feel Like a Bag Full of Suck
Being a nurse requires long hours on your feet, abusing your back bending over people in their beds or sitting in their chairs. During my shifts, I work through the pain. I don't notice my feet are hurting until I slow down at the end of the night, and my back doesn't really bother me until I sit down to do my charting. How I am able to ignore my pain for hours on end is a complete mystery to me. I guess it has to do with the fact that I don't have a choice. I can't have a work day where I'm not as productive because I'm not feeling well. I can't say "Oh, Mrs. Sweet Resident won't mind if I don't administer her medications to her tonight.", or "I just can't handle dealing with Mr. Angry Pants tonight, he'll be fine without me seeing him.' Bad things can happen if a nurse slacks on her responsibilities. So, no matter how I am feeling, I have to power through it.
However, combining this with the daily workouts has caught up with me, and my brain is fighting me. All I have to do is just get my workout clothes on, put my sneakers on, and go. But my brain is making it hard on me this week. I only made it worse by agreeing I was too sore on Tuesday to work out, and then agreeing again yesterday, and I'm still fighting myself this morning. I know that as long as I watch what I eat, I'm ok. I don't NEED to kill myself working out to lose weight, but I just want so badly to keep seeing these 4-5 pound weekly losses because it feels good. I want to reach my next goal quickly. I want to see results quickly like every other person who loses weight.
I have started to see the difference in myself this week. When I met my 10% goal on Saturday, I couldn't see it. Mike would tell me he could, but I just didn't see it. Sure, I had to buy new work pants, and my clothes were loosening up, but I just didn't see it. So I took a picture and paired it up with one I took shortly after I started Weight Watchers:
I honestly had to stare for a good amount of time before the differences started becoming apparent. It is amazing how our brains can have a completely different view of our bodies than is reality. Before I lost weight, I don't think I ever truly registered just how big I was. Sure, I knew I was fat, but I guess I always perceived myself to look more like the person on the right than the one on the left. So maybe that explains why now I have lost the weight, and I AM the person on the right, I have a harder time perceiving the changes.
I have unfortunately started being far more critical of my body than I was before. I have started finding myself concentrating on the areas that I know are going to always be my problem areas, like my upper arms, my hips, etc. Why must our skin be the loudest and most stubborn reminder of the fatties we used to be? It seems so unfair to put in such hard work and dedication, only to still feel like a fake skinny person due to the saggy, ugly skin that is your version of war scars. This is one of my biggest fears about losing weight, honestly. And the other being the wave of "You are looking so great!" "Wow, you look amazing!" that will eventually start coming. I know that seems so much the opposite of what it should be. I shouldn't fear those compliments, I worked for them, I will deserve them. But when I lost a significant amount of weight before, they were nothing but double-edged swords. Each compliment felt like nothing but "You weren't pretty before you lost weight" "You looked like shit before you lost weight". I had lost the weight so quickly due to a medication called Phentermine, that I was having trouble recognizing myself, must less process other people's compliments of the changes.
This is why I haven't really talked about it at all with my family or my in-law's. Sure, I post my weigh-in's on my IG or twitter that my little sister can see, but I doubt she would be concerned enough to pass it along. I don't mind being celebrated at the WW meetings, but I don't want my family doing it for some reason. I don't want to appear as I am trying to gain approval, or seeking compliments from them. I admit, my feelings are weird about this. I can talk to Mike about it just fine, or my coworkers or friends who are trying to lose weight, too. But anyone not trying to lose weight, or trying to run/exercise, etc., I just have no desire to talk to them about it. It is personal. It is mine. It is for my own benefit. It is not for the sake of compliments/approval from those who just saw me as a fatty. I wish I could better explain the mind fuck this does to me, but it just has that effect on me. I just want the satisfaction of being healthier, getting to buy clothes from more than 3 or 4 places, and being able to do things like 5Ks and Zumba classes. The only person I need to tell me I look good is my husband, and I know he's thought I was beautiful no matter what weight I have been at cuz he has been with me for all of them.
Despite our cheat day on Tuesday where we tried out this amazing food truck, I have been good food wise. I've been really good about tracking, and resisting the urge to pig out. I have to be careful the next few days because we are going to a flea market this weekend with the in-law's, and I'm praying I see a funnel cake stand sooo bad when we go. I know the flea markets at home would have bounds of bad food stands like you see at fairs, so I hope this one is similar. I need a funnel cake to happen! :) Luckily, weigh-in is on Saturday, so its ok if I'm a little bad on Sunday. :) Anyway, my grilled chicken salads have really been working out great for lunch these past 2 weeks, and I've been eating a lot of scrambled eggs lately where I only use one whole egg, and one egg white and I don't even notice the difference. It is nice that my schedule now allows me to slowly wake up and not have to rush to make breakfast. Or to just simply be lazy like I am today. :)
However, combining this with the daily workouts has caught up with me, and my brain is fighting me. All I have to do is just get my workout clothes on, put my sneakers on, and go. But my brain is making it hard on me this week. I only made it worse by agreeing I was too sore on Tuesday to work out, and then agreeing again yesterday, and I'm still fighting myself this morning. I know that as long as I watch what I eat, I'm ok. I don't NEED to kill myself working out to lose weight, but I just want so badly to keep seeing these 4-5 pound weekly losses because it feels good. I want to reach my next goal quickly. I want to see results quickly like every other person who loses weight.
I have started to see the difference in myself this week. When I met my 10% goal on Saturday, I couldn't see it. Mike would tell me he could, but I just didn't see it. Sure, I had to buy new work pants, and my clothes were loosening up, but I just didn't see it. So I took a picture and paired it up with one I took shortly after I started Weight Watchers:
I honestly had to stare for a good amount of time before the differences started becoming apparent. It is amazing how our brains can have a completely different view of our bodies than is reality. Before I lost weight, I don't think I ever truly registered just how big I was. Sure, I knew I was fat, but I guess I always perceived myself to look more like the person on the right than the one on the left. So maybe that explains why now I have lost the weight, and I AM the person on the right, I have a harder time perceiving the changes.
I have unfortunately started being far more critical of my body than I was before. I have started finding myself concentrating on the areas that I know are going to always be my problem areas, like my upper arms, my hips, etc. Why must our skin be the loudest and most stubborn reminder of the fatties we used to be? It seems so unfair to put in such hard work and dedication, only to still feel like a fake skinny person due to the saggy, ugly skin that is your version of war scars. This is one of my biggest fears about losing weight, honestly. And the other being the wave of "You are looking so great!" "Wow, you look amazing!" that will eventually start coming. I know that seems so much the opposite of what it should be. I shouldn't fear those compliments, I worked for them, I will deserve them. But when I lost a significant amount of weight before, they were nothing but double-edged swords. Each compliment felt like nothing but "You weren't pretty before you lost weight" "You looked like shit before you lost weight". I had lost the weight so quickly due to a medication called Phentermine, that I was having trouble recognizing myself, must less process other people's compliments of the changes.
This is why I haven't really talked about it at all with my family or my in-law's. Sure, I post my weigh-in's on my IG or twitter that my little sister can see, but I doubt she would be concerned enough to pass it along. I don't mind being celebrated at the WW meetings, but I don't want my family doing it for some reason. I don't want to appear as I am trying to gain approval, or seeking compliments from them. I admit, my feelings are weird about this. I can talk to Mike about it just fine, or my coworkers or friends who are trying to lose weight, too. But anyone not trying to lose weight, or trying to run/exercise, etc., I just have no desire to talk to them about it. It is personal. It is mine. It is for my own benefit. It is not for the sake of compliments/approval from those who just saw me as a fatty. I wish I could better explain the mind fuck this does to me, but it just has that effect on me. I just want the satisfaction of being healthier, getting to buy clothes from more than 3 or 4 places, and being able to do things like 5Ks and Zumba classes. The only person I need to tell me I look good is my husband, and I know he's thought I was beautiful no matter what weight I have been at cuz he has been with me for all of them.
Despite our cheat day on Tuesday where we tried out this amazing food truck, I have been good food wise. I've been really good about tracking, and resisting the urge to pig out. I have to be careful the next few days because we are going to a flea market this weekend with the in-law's, and I'm praying I see a funnel cake stand sooo bad when we go. I know the flea markets at home would have bounds of bad food stands like you see at fairs, so I hope this one is similar. I need a funnel cake to happen! :) Luckily, weigh-in is on Saturday, so its ok if I'm a little bad on Sunday. :) Anyway, my grilled chicken salads have really been working out great for lunch these past 2 weeks, and I've been eating a lot of scrambled eggs lately where I only use one whole egg, and one egg white and I don't even notice the difference. It is nice that my schedule now allows me to slowly wake up and not have to rush to make breakfast. Or to just simply be lazy like I am today. :)
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