Happy Halloween

I'm off of work today thankfully.  I could barely talk last night towards the end of my shift.  At least things went pretty smoothly.  I still don't know how I did this.  I still feel exhausted even after sleeping in today until nearly 10 a.m., but I'm determined to make something of my day besides being a lazy slug on the couch.

My boss finally posted the November schedule, and it really cheered me up the other night when I got the exclusive first peek before my coworkers got to see it.  My set schedule is gone, as is everyone else's, but I'm scheduled for a normal amount of hours, and my days are reasonably spread out.  So, I'm happy that I won't be working an insane schedule like I have been.  Most of us are ok with the set schedules being thrown out temporarily, but of course a couple are throwing a fit.  I don't even care at this point.  Hopefully, they suck it up because if they decide to quit like they have been threatening, it would really suck.  Otherwise, I'm really happy that I feel like I'm getting my life back.

I have to work a double tomorrow, but then I have my precious weekend off....the first one in over a month.  I'm so excited, I can't even decide what I want to do with it.  We were supposed to have the Hot Chocolate 5k on Sunday, but I've unfortunately been working too much to properly prepare.  I e-mailed them to see if its possible to switch to the walk instead, but we will see.  I really hate the idea of missing it when we have already paid for it.  We will see.  I think I want to try to make it somehow.

Today, I really hope I can get over it and just schedule my damn hair appointment already.  This is why I go so long between appointments, because I either don't have time or I'm too nervous to do it.  I definitely need a pampering day, and right now, a massage sounds amazing with how bad my back is hurting me right now.  Hair cut, color, facial, pedicure, maybe a massage.  That sounds like a pretty amazing day to me.  Once I have worked up the courage to actually schedule it all.

I'm slowly starting to feel human again.  I finally updated my planner and the calendar for Mike.  I finally decluttered and cleaned my caddy I carry with me at work....it was a jumbled mess.  Now, I need to sort through all the mail I've piled up, and clean out my purse, and get the checkbook in order again.  Right now, I've just been paying bills as they pop up in my banking account, rather than the set schedule I made up.  We have more than enough money in the account to cover everything, so I haven't been balancing.  Which I hate.  I hate it so much, but I'm not going to go back and balance the last month's worth.  I'm just gonna start from today and be more on top of it going forward.

I also finally got around to buying malpractice insurance.  With the last 2 nurses getting fired for things that could have happened to any of us, it really made me regret not buying it sooner.  You just think, what could possibly happen? Well, now that I have an idea, I really couldn't justify not buying it anymore.  So, hopefully I never have to use it, and I feel like I will have some protection in the event something does go wrong at some point.  Best $100 I ever spent.

I have also surprised myself this past week or so.  My gut is my lifeline.  There have been things that have happened, and my brain would have told me to disregard it as usual symptoms for a resident.  My gut however told me to investigate, and I may have very well saved the life of one of my residents.  I also knew when to up the comfort meds for a resident with just a feeling that something more was starting to happen, and she passed away a few hours later.  I actually think I wouldn't make such a horrible hospice nurse.  I have found I do a pretty good job of managing the resident's symptoms that have been on hospice.  It is definitely easier in the end to figure out what is needed.  In the early stages, it is really hard to tell (for me anyway) if someone is just agitated or in pain.  But closer to the end, I have found I just know what to do without much thought.  I never thought I'd be playing the role of hospice nurse as much as I have in this job, but its not as awful as I thought.  I've been able to keep it together for my resident's family, and support them as much as the resident through this time.

 I really have surprised myself lately with how much of a nurse I feel like.  I still have so much to learn, but I definitely can see my confidence growing.  It feels good to not second guess myself as much as I used to.  This feels really good.  And while I may be exhausted from the amount of hours I've been putting in, I don't regret it because I know my residents are being taken care of.  I love them all.  On my usual shift, I have 45+ grandparents now that I get to take care of, joke with, learn about their past, and feel like they are my family now.  I get hugs on a daily basis at work. It  really makes it easy to forget all the coworker drama/stress.  I love it.

I am such a Wimp

I caved.  I am working tomorrow night unless someone decides to see the light, and stop being selfish assholes.  So, 6 days in a row, 55+ hours in one work week.  I have lost track of how many hours I've actually worked in the last couple of weeks.  I barely know what day it is.  I'm basically only working and sleeping at this point.  I know this is temporary, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle.  Like I said in my last update, I broke down bawling like a baby in the nurses' office after my coworker left.  I was a step away from crying all night, or I was severely deficient in my patience.  This is extremely uncommon for me, usually I am able to set aside my troubles when I start working.  I don't think about any of my personal stress when I make my rounds.  I put them aside and put on a happy face for my residents because they don't need to know I'm having a rough time.  The last thing I would want is for them to feel like they are a burden to me, so I try to do everything I can to make them see only happy me, not sad, stressed, exhausted, near tears me.

I can't even plan anything right now for my days off because who knows what is going to happen.  And I don't even know what my days off are going to be for the next month.  I hate not being able to plan my life.  I hate that I can barely do anything for myself other than sleep right now.  Weight Watchers and exercise?? Pssshh, what's that?!?!  A social life?? Yeah, right!  Being able to put my head on the pillow and NOT think about work??  Not happening.

I have to work on Thanksgiving, so I asked Mike to make us reservations for Wildfire for lunch time that day so I can still have a hot (non-microwaved) Thanksgiving meal.  His parents usually don't start having people over until 3, and that's the time I have to be at work, and I feel incredibly selfish asking them to move dinner time up to lunch time just for me.  So, Mike mentioned it to them, but I may just have him tell them to disregard it.  We'll just have a nice meal out, and then I'll go to work, and that will be the end of it.  It sucks to know I'm missing my first Thanksgiving after 8 years of spending it with his family.  I really feel incredibly sad about it.  But I guess I'll just have to add that to the list.

I will hopefully still get my weekend off coming up.  I was really worried I would be forced to work, but my boss assured me she would still give it to me.  I guess we will see what happens.  It will be really nice to have a weekend off, and be able to spend it with Mike, and not sleep the entire time.  I just have to try to put all the stress and drama at work behind me.  It's really not having a good effect on me right now, and I need to find some inner peace about it all, because otherwise, I may very well lose it.  I have not been this stressed and exhausted and emotionally wrecked since nursing school.  But at least my anxiety seems to be under control, its just everything else that is a mess right now.

Another First

Closing the door to the nurses office and having a massive cry fest.  The overtime has officially gotten to me, I think.

What a Mess

So, we definitely lost another nurse.  And another one put in her notice.  And 2 others are threatening to quit and refusing to pick up any extra shifts.  I don't know what to say about it all other than I think it is really disappointing.  Everyone is showing their true colors, and certain nurses are lashing out at everyone else.  I'm trying not to engage, and so far I have controlled my urge to scream at them to get over it.  I made cupcakes for everyone, and luckily they were well received, but I'm not delusional to think that they were going to fix everything.  I just hoped it would signal everyone to remember we are all drowning, and we need to be kind to each other right now, not lashing out.  It really makes going to work so much worse, and so much more stressful.

So, my life is going to continue to be crazy for at least the next month.  My boss is throwing out everyone's set schedule and putting all of us where she needs us.  Which sucks, but I also can appreciate why she has to do this.  It spreads the burden to everyone, not just the few who are willing to pitch in and help.  But, it could also blow up in my boss's face and forces the two nurses to quit.  I hope this doesn't happen.  So, I already told Mike I'll be working a crazy schedule for a while most likely, and I'm so thankful of how understanding and supportive he has been during this time.  I am so so so thankful he knows I'm not choosing work over him just because I'd rather be at work.  He understands my need to make sure my residents get taken care of, my sense of responsibility to them.  He also knows how much I'd rather be at home with him than working as much as I am.  I'm really blessed to have a husband who is so understanding and supportive, I really am.

I've softened on the one coworker who bit my head off a while back when SHE was late.  She will probably never be my bestie, but seeing how much she is pitching in right now, while others are throwing their 2 year old-style temper tantrums.....she just gained some respect from me.  She's also getting shit thrown on her from everyone, and its just not fair.  You can dislike someone without being so blatantly rude and in your face about it.  Maybe she makes mistakes, and maybe she doesn't always have the best approach to acknowledging her mistakes, but I can see that she's trying after working with her a few times.  So, right now, I'm trying to get her a second chance, and finally trying to adjust my attitude.  We'll see how it goes.

One possible upside to this shit show, is that if the 2 nurses throwing their temper tantrums do in fact quit, I will be able to move to day shift.  That would be really nice to get my evenings back with Mike. But I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for it to happen, because I really hope they don't quit anytime soon because we are already short on nurses, and we'd be royally screwed if they left right now.  But it is a nice thought that eventually that may be my reality.

So, today is an off day for me thankfully.  I worked a double last night, and I work another double tomorrow night.  Then my weekend to work, off Tuesday, then another double on Wednesday.  After that, who knows what shifts I'll be on.  I have a really bad headache that has lingered since last night.  I need to get my nails done, but then staying home sounds really nice, too.  Maybe I'll take my no chip off tonight and go during my 3 hour break tomorrow.  I got this dark navy blue with a glitter polish on my ring fingers, and I loved it, but now I'm bored of it and need something else.  I also am starting the process of obsessing about my hair and what to do with it.  It has been horribly neglected for the past 7 months because I just didn't care.  It usually is up in a pony tail or bun at work, so its just not been a big priority to keep it trimmed and colored.  But I'm thinking about it now because I am in desperate need of some pampering, and getting my head shampooed at my salon is one of my favorite things.  I also want a facial because my face has been breaking out so bad from all the stress and sweating at work.  A massage is also something I'm considering.  I've never had one before, but I'm getting myself closer and closer to being ok with being naked under a towel in front of a perfect stranger after all the stress on my back lately.

But who knows when I'll be able to schedule it all, by the time I've obsessed about my hair a long enough time, I'll have no free time at all to do it.

Spoke Too Soon

I was supposed to have the weekend off, and get to enjoy time with Mike and his parents, and have our friends over on Sunday for Sunday TV Funday.  But instead, I worked last night, and I'm working again tonight.  We may be short another nurse on top of the one we lost a couple of weeks ago.  I am pretty upset over the whole thing, but I also understand why it is necessary even if I wouldn't make the same call.  So, while I could have said no, and held strong to it, I just couldn't leave my boss high and dry, and ultimately, I'm going to make sure my residents are taken care of.  Therefore, I work.  I was super sad about having to cancel plans that I was looking forward to so much.  Luckily, everyone was understanding of my situation.

My last day at the dental office yesterday, and I did fine until people started hugging me.  Then, when I had to take the keys to the office off of my keychain, I just lost it.  I started bawling to my boss.  This place has been a great place to work, despite any drama or stress that may have come with it.  My coworker there did the flowers for my wedding, the whole office supported me while I went back to school.  It still doesn't feel real to me that I've worked my last day there.  I just can't get my brain to accept it yet.  I just don't get why I have such a hard time quitting jobs.  I didn't go to school just to be a receptionist, so why is it hard for me to remove that title from myself finally?  I'l get over it eventually, but right now, it just simply hurts my heart.

I don't have much else to say because I'm working too much to have had anything of substance happen.  And I can't even really discuss the current drama going on at work.  This is my life right now.  Tired, overworked, bitchy, and living off of Panera, Wendy's, and lots of Starbucks.  If only I could get an IV of pure caffeine initiated and infusing during my shift....a nurse can dream, right?

Time for a Break

I work another double tomorrow.  Then I have my last day at the dental office on Saturday.  And I don't have to be back at work until Wednesday.  I finally managed to get someone to take just one of my shifts from me, and luckily they picked one that resulted in a 4 day break for me.  I'm so beyond excited.  This is the first time I've had more than 2 days off together since Christmas time.  I am so relieved to know I'm getting a real chance to recuperate from this madhouse schedule of mine.  I'm sad that they haven't found another nurse yet, because it means we all have to keep pitching in to cover the open shifts.  Seeing how difficult it has been to get someone to help me out, I am not going to be so quick to say yes anymore.  I was so worried that I'd be viewed as unwilling to help by saying no, that I have rarely said no when someone asked me to work for them.  Now I know to be more selective, lesson learned.  Moving on.

In the midst of this week, we lost a resident unexpectedly.  I am pretty upset about it, but it has been easy to keep myself busy to distract me from it.  I know this comes with the territory of the work that I do, and its part of life.  Ultimately, everyone will pass away.  Of course, the setting of my work means I see the same residents on a daily basis for an indefinite period of time.  This allows a certain level of bonding that isn't always possible in the hospital setting.  You learn about their families, their life, their likes, dislikes.....you can tell when something isn't right with them before any measurable symptoms start appearing.  So, when they pass away, its a weird place to be, you aren't their family, but its a loss that hurts nonetheless.  Not being able to fully disclose everything I know when the other residents start asking what happened.  Its also is worse when it happens unexpectedly.  I would have given them a hug had I known it was the last time I would be seeing them, and told how wonderful it was getting to know them and care for them.  But I never got to do that, and it eats me up a bit when I allow myself to think about it.  One of the few upsides to how busy I have been lately, is I don't have much time to do that.

I guess there is no good way to explain how my heart hurts over this, and that this is just one part to the life of being a nurse.  And part of me hopes I never get good at letting it not bother me.

Nurse Exhaustion

I have been insanely busy lately with work.  I survived my 60 hours in 5 days last weekend, and now I'm just working on the latest stretch of work, while its not as bad because I can actually sleep again, I can't get over the exhaustion I'm feeling.  Everyone keeps telling me "Oh, but I bet the paycheck will be nice", I couldn't care less about the money.  You can't buy time, you can't buy sleep. But it is what it is, its likely to be like this for a while until they hire another nurse and get her trained for overnights.  I'm working a lot, but at least now there is time allotted for sleep.  I do at least feel pretty human again, rather than the zombie I felt like last Wednesday night.

This Saturday is my last day at the dental office.  I guess that has been one upside to all the working, is I haven't had much time to think about it.  It is going to be weird to have to hand over my keys to the office.  I've had those keys on my keychain for over 6 years.  This office has been a part of my life for so long, it just feels so unnatural that I will no longer be an employee there, just a patient.  I always knew this day would come eventually, but I still can't believe it.

Working in our memory care unit has gone much better than I thought it would.  I was pretty scared of learning all the residents, and figuring out who takes what medications what way.  I wouldn't say I have the shift perfected, but its not scary to me anymore.  Which feels good to be able to say that I can adapt, and overcome fears I have.  It just makes me a better nurse in the long run.

There is so much over the next few months that I am looking forward to soooooo much! Saturday we are going to Fright Fest at Six Flags with Mom and Dad-in-law, Sunday (TV) Fundays with N & J, Pumpkin Patch, Hot Chocolate 5k, Thanksgiving (yummmm), Ditka Dash, Wicked with Mom and Dad-in-law (soooooooooo excited for this!!!!!), Our 5th Annual Downtown Christmas Extravaganza, Christmas and the cookies that come with it.  New Year's :)  It's really weird to think that next year I'm gonna be 30 years old.  The age that I thought was soooooo old when I realized that's how old my parents were, and worried they would up and die on me when I was little.

I've been slacking big time on the running and Weight Watchers, but its just been too hectic in my life to focus.  I will start back up tomorrow.  I promise. :)

I Made a Mistake

So here it is.  That moment where I realize I made a mistake as a nurse, and must face the music and own up to it.  I had the first shift on my own in our memory care unit the other day.  I was pretty disoriented by how most of the residents were in the common area instead of their rooms like how it is in the area I normally work.  I did an ok job of remembering who everyone was from my orientation last week, and only had to ask about who one resident was.  I was slow because I don't know the medications/schedule for these residents yet, so I took a while trying to figure it out.  I thought I was good to just sign my books later because I felt like I was being careful about what pills I was pulling to administer.  The shift could have gone smoother, but I felt like I did a decent job overall given that it was my first time working it alone.

So, I knew I rushed out towards the end and figured I'd go over the MARs really good later to make sure I signed everything.  I didn't get to to do it the same day, I did it last night, and realized I missed a couple of medications.  They were narcotics, which our supply of those medications are closely monitored, and others would surely notice that I didn't sign them out.  I did not want to lie and say they were refused, because that just didn't make sense and would look suspicious no matter what.  After asking a coworker what to do, I decided to just tell my boss and face whatever consequences may come.  You never know when someone is going to decide to point out your mistake, and trying to cover it up just makes it look worse.  So, I did what she told me to do, and felt better about owning up to my mistake.  I may get written up for the medication error, but there was no harm to the residents as a result, so I'm ok with it.

I also took the high road and didn't point fingers at other nurses who had done the same thing this week.  I figured trying to point out that I wasn't alone in making this type of mistake would just make me look like I was trying to direct the attention away from myself to others, and I'll let the others handle their mistakes on their own, and let them deal with getting sleep at night over their integrity and honesty.  I missed 2, someone else missed far more this week, and several others made the same mistake with different residents.  It happens, we're human, not robots.  But for my own sake, I didn't want the anxiety hanging over me wondering when/if someone would point out my error, and my boss getting upset with me for not catching it and telling her myself, or worse realizing (if I had tried) I tried to cover it up.  I do not want to be branded a liar.  I want my boss to be able to trust me and what I say. So, telling my boss wasn't the easy way out (i.e. wasting the drug by myself and writing it as given in the Narc book and praying no one says anything to my boss about them seeing the discrepancy in the mean time), it was hard, I was crying a bit when I told her I understood if she had to write me up, shaking when I said I deserved it.  But after I hung up the phone, I took a deep breathe and moved on.  I did the right thing, I took control of the situation once I realized my mistake, and no one will be able to hold it over my head or expect that I owe them something for their silence.  And I have learned a lesson here, to always check and double check, and triple check.  Especially when dealing with new residents I am unfamiliar with.  I will only get better, and these mistakes will not happen again.

So, I survived my two days in a row of working early morning to late night.  I have today off to recoup a bit, then I'll move into 3 days of working in a row.  A double on Monday, 3-11 Tuesday, then another double on Wednesday.  Luckily, I have Thursday off and can recover some more.  Then things slow down a little bit.  I'm still working a couple of extra shifts over what will be my new schedule now this month, but then it will go back to normal.  It's nice to make some overtime, sure, but it is a whole different situation to jump into overtime when you don't need it.  When I was poor when I first moved up here, I would gladly take any hours I could get.  Now, I'm just not desperate for the extra money, so it is a lot harder to work all those extra hours.  Right now, its just a matter of my work needs me, and I'm doing my part to help out.  I will eventually not feel so tired and worn out.  I had a worse time in school, got less sleep than I am right now, and somehow survived.  My only worry is that I will get sick from working so much.  But life goes on.

So, today is just gonna be a relax day, and then we are having friends over to finally watch the series finale of Breaking Bad!! :)

Sometimes Good Things Make Me Sad

So, a coworker was let go yesterday.  I'm sad about her not being there anymore, she was a good coworker to have.  It came as a complete shock to everyone.  But, it is what it is, and we have to just accept it and move on.  The good thing about this, is that I was given some of their shifts.  This makes me a full time employee again, after 7 months since I went down to being part-time.  Why this makes me sad is that it makes it necessary for me to quit my job at the dental office.  This is really hard for me. While obviously, I didn't go back to school and become a nurse just to keep my job there, its been my work home and work family for so long....its really hard for me to give that up.  My boss has done so much for me during the last 6 years, it just makes me sad to be leaving her.  I'm sad that I won't get to catch up with my work bestie in person as often.  I'll still go there as a patient, so its not like it is goodbye forever or anything, but it just is an end to a job that has been such a (mostly) good place to me.

On the other side, I'll only have one job now and be making a lot more money.  The extra shifts I picked up are in our memory unit, so while its scary to have to learn a whole different group of residents, its only good for me career wise.  I'll be a more well-rounded nurse as a result.  I'll be able to talk to any of the doctors or family members about any of the residents.  And I will be able to pick up more shifts when needed because I'll be more comfortable.  It's all going to be good, it is just new and a little terrifying right now, but I know I'll be fine once I get the swing of it.

I guess another downside, is I'm gonna be working a ton of overtime until they get another nurse hired. We all will be.  Its going to suck, but it is what it is.  Sure, nice paychecks are involved, but I'm going to be working a bunch of doubles , and it is just exhausting.  Lots of Starbucks will be consumed.  And chocolate.  Nurses survive on caffeine and chocolate.  My nurse crew can go through an entire bag of chocolate like a gang of fat kids who have been on a strict diet for the last month.  Yeah, it is super hypocritical, but we gotta do what we gotta do.

So today, I'm doing some stuff around the house, and we'll go do our shopping, but I want to rest up as much as I can because I'm working a double tomorrow.  It's also my first day of working in our memory unit on my own, so that adds a little special frosting of stress to my double cupcake.  But Mike is only working a half day today, and he's bringing me Toasty Cheese for lunch. :)  And Scandal's 2 hour season premiere is tonight!  Lots of happy :)