Weigh In Day!!

My most optimistic goal to reach today was my 10% weight loss mark, because then I'd get that lovely little keychain they give you.  I tracked my food all week, stayed within my daily allowance, and worked out every single day.  Once you add on the constant standing/walking nature of my job, I really hoped I'd make it, especially after my disappointing performance last week at weigh in.  So, how did it go??

Drum roll please............

5.2 pounds this week!!  30.8 pounds total, which is over my 10% goal!

I swore I saw a 6 at the end instead of a 0, and was momentarily confused when she asked me what I did this week.  I saw the 5.2, and I was like "Wait, did I meet my goal with that?  Was that enough?".  I had just went on a little rant the night before about the exact numbers I needed to hit, and those numbers were completely gone from my head.  I did regain my composure, and realized I lost more than I had hoped for!  I was incredibly happy to stay for the meeting, cuz it meant I'd get some applause for my achievement! To get that little keychain, it just felt awesome.  I immediately texted Mike and my friend who is also doing Weight Watcher, and I was just so pleased with myself.  It felt so good to hear everyone cheer for me when I said I lost 30 pounds and reached my 10% goal.  My meeting leader always asks you a question when you reach certain milestones, and it just felt good to share.  My meeting leader is awesome, he makes it feel fun. 

However, I wasn't expecting the crying when I got to my car and took my keychain out of its box.   I don't remember exactly at what point I reached my starting weight, but I know it has been at least 6 years.  I had been a receptionist for about a year, and the pounds came on quickly.  To be able to say I've undone the last 6 years of my life just hit me.  My next goal will take me back 7 years.  It is just beyond belief for me.  No trendy/starve yourself diets, no diet pills.  Just tracking what I eat and trying to be more active.  I can't wait until my next doctor's appointment to show off my weight loss to my doctor.  All the times I lied and said I was working out more than I was to her, or made excuses, or told her how I was motivated, but then gave up.   I was convinced she saw me as one of those people who was never going to do it, and she'd see me developed disease after disease.  It feels good to give her something to be proud of me for this year.

This is my weekly descent since January 19th:

This is my weekend to work, and I work 3 shifts in a row.  It sucks.  On one hand, its nice because chances are that there won't be any changes in medication orders that I don't already know about.  Plus, its usually easy going because I have this totally unscientific theory that people don't want to be sent to the hospital on the weekend, so they are on their very best behavior and keep things under control. lol  But it is exhausting, and I feel like doing nothing at all the next day I have off.  I normally allow myself this level of laziness, but not anymore.

Speaking of work, I dreamed of nothing but work last night.  The level of detail in my dreams freaks me out sometimes, like specific people/names, I can see the detail in the carpet.  My dream last night showed specific pills that I give each day I work. It is weird that I can see certain pills and know exactly what it is now.  Anyway, it wasn't really a pleasant dream, just anxiety inducing.  I hate the level of anxiety I feel over work.   I also saw one of my favorite clinical instructors at the grocery store last night, and oh it felt so good to talk to her again.  I felt so happy to tell her I had a job!  She was so amazingly supportive of me during my time with her, and given how incredibly petrified I was of her at first, it meant so much to me that she believed in me.  I'm so so so happy I ran into her.

I'm planning to work out everyday this week again, except today.  I did Week 2, Day 1 yesterday as a surprise to myself, and it really kicked my butt.  Me and 1.5 minute run intervals are not friends, but we are going to try and work things out this week.  Only until I ditch her for 2 minute intervals, which I'm sure is much more of a bitch, but I'll win some points being seen with her!

So here is my game plan for activity this week:

Saturday: I was going to work out today, but I'm kind of sore, so I'm taking today off as a reward for meeting my 10% goal. (DONE)
Sunday:    Week 2/Day 2 walk/run app. (DONE)
Monday: Switch it up and do an hour on the elliptical maybe? (DONE - Did Week 2/Day 2 again)
Tuesday: Two hour walk with Mike, we are gonna try another trail in Schaumburg that he has been itching to take me to for years.
Wednesday: Week 2/Day 3 of walk/run app if I feel I am running, otherwise I'll just repeat Day 2.
Thursday: Two hour walk in the forest preserve again.
Friday: Week 2/ Day 3 of walk/run app.

The walking outside is what I'm allowing myself for an "easy" day.  It is not hard to walk.  I went on a 2-hour walk by myself this past Thursday, and it was so incredibly lovely.  Sure, I picked the wrong time to go, it was windy and kind of cold, and I left my jacket at home because I've gotten too hot the last few things I've gone for a walk.  I survived without it though.  And I saw some deer running along at one point, and saw some pretty birds.  It will all look so much more beautiful once the trees started churning out some green leaves, and the field flowers bloom again.

The best part though?  No one was around to hear me bust out some mad lyrics to "Baby Got Back".  I'm proud to say I can sing along to that song nearly perfectly.  I sang some of my other work out songs that I was listening to, and it just felt good to be out there by myself, acting a damn fool as I walked because no one else was there.  I ran a couple of times to see how I handled the pavement versus treadmill, and it wasn't so bad.  I do think I'm gonna hold off until I can run more than a minute at a time before I do any serious running outside though.

School is going ok.  The class is a joke.  I can get a whole months worth of assignments done in a few hours.  I haven't read a single chapter since the first month of class, and I am still maintaining an A average in the class.  I am glad I paid for the book rather than renting it, because there are actually some really interesting things in there, but I just don't have the desire to read it right now.  However, I must say, buying the Kindle version of the book so I can access it on my iPad was the BEST thing I did.  Taking your tests online, when you haven't read the book, doesn't suck so bad when you can simply search for the desired terms in the question and just like that, you find your answer.

The problem for me with this class, and which I fully blame for my lack of motivation, is that is not challenging whatsoever.  My nursing classes were so much harder than this, I'd be in panic mode if I hadn't read the assigned chapters twice before the test, plus studying.  Plus, you could never just be concerned with one test, there were clinical assignments due 2 hours after the exam that took days to complete.  This is just not the level of difficult that I have grown accustomed to, so in my mind, I just put it on the back burner.  It is bad, I know, but it is what it is.  Luckily, the class will be over next month, and I'm definitely taking the summer off from classes.  Maybe even fall, too.  I just don't feel like facing Chemistry yet.  It makes my brain hurt just thinking about it.

So, I'm just gonna relax today until I have to leave for work, and it feel so good!! :)

New Year's Resolution Update

At the beginning of the year, I posted my 4 resolutions that I wanted to keep this year.  They were:

"So, moving forward with 2013, there are some things I need to achieve:

- Find a job as an RN so I can start to FEEL like an RN.
- Lose weight (I have to stop starting and stopping and just DO it!)
- Stop being late.
- and prepare myself for trying to start a family."

I have for once in my life gotten past January with my resolutions.  I found my RN job.  I have lost over 25 pounds.  I have been MUCH better about being on time for things.  And the preparing myself for trying to start a family is one that is kind of in line with the losing of the weight.  I don't think I'm gonna be ready this year, but I'm still working towards that, so I wouldn't consider it abandoned.  It just may be a two-year's resolution sort of thing.

I am definitely stepping up my game on the weight loss front.  The 3-11 shift has had an unexpected effect on me lately where I am starving when I go home.  Like, 4th meal at Wendy's with a double cheeseburger and frosty kind of starving.  Yes, that happened.  We went out to eat one night because we were too exhausted from the 4 hour/10 mile walk I got us into because of my guilt over eating the Wendy's 4th meal.  Then we went out to eat with Mom-in-law.  And I made brownies.  And its just been a bad two weeks.  I had already skipped weigh-in last week, so I couldn't skip this week because I probably would have stopped going all together.

0.2 pounds lost.  Even with the 10 mile walk, and going to the gym the night before.  I was pretty ticked with myself.  I realize that a loss is still a loss, but that is not good enough for me.  I know what my weekly losses have been typically, and 0.2 is just not acceptable.  Maybe if I were in the 100s, I'd be less upset with myself, but that's not my situation here.  So, I've obviously been lax with myself.  Sure, I can be proud that I've lost over 25 pounds already.  But that's merely a fraction of what I need to lose.  I have more work to do, and I have to get out of my non-tracking, eating fast food cheeseburgers kind of slope I'm doing down.

So, I actually have set a new goal for myself besides losing weight.  I want to be able to run again.  The last time I could seriously run was in high school.  I signed up to play soccer.  Why?  Who effing knows.  I'm not the outdoorsy, hiking hills, camping in the wilderness, wiping my ass with tree bark kind of girl.  I like air conditioning.  And indoor plumbing.  And being separated from wild animals and bugs by the nice, durable walls of my home.  So, what possessed me to want to play soccer is beyond me, but the point is that I wanted to play so I did. 

I was a sissy pants when I first started.  Shin splints, pulled hamstrings, gasping worse than the girl on the team who had asthma.  But, I got better.  I was late to class one day, and had to run to get there before the bell, and I was surprisingly not out of breath when I got there.  That was the point I knew I was getting into shape, and was proud of myself that I could run.  I did develop a horrible pain in my knee shortly after that, and found out I had Osgood-Schlatter disease in my right knee.  I pretty much just gave up and assumed I could never really run again because of the feeling of a knife being stuck i my knee when I went up stairs or tried to kneel.  That pain has for the most part gone away, although I do have a lovely reminder of a little knobby thing on my knee.

So,why this is all relevant.  I want to be able to run again like I did in high school.  I know I can do it, I know I have the ability and strength to do it, I just need to work up my endurance again.  I got one of those Couch to 5K apps for my iPhone to help me.  It has 3 runs each week, that has walk/run intervals.   I did the first run on Friday night.  It was 25 minutes totals, 5 minutes warm up, 1 minute run/ 1.5 minute walk times 6, then 5 minutes cool down.  I did it twice, and added 10 minutes extra walking so I could get a full hour long workout in before my weigh in on Saturday morning.  It was easy at first, and the last couple of runs were harder to get through as I got tired.  But I did it!

I then went again on Saturday after work, and got cocky.  I thought I'd move on to the week 1/day 2 run, and do it twice.  That shit was hard.  I didn't think I'd get through it.  And I for sure wasn't gonna do it twice.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.  But then I did.  The 2nd round was easier, but I was hurting.  I'm still hurting, but I also feel really good.  I know I can do this.  My fear of the stares I would get at the gym for being the fat chick trying to run, and the horrific sounds I imagined the treadmill would make from the stress it was enduring with each impact of my feet.....were the last thing I thought about when I was running.  I was running while the person half my size gave up on their workout after 10 minutes on the elliptical.  If someone wants to stare at me, or much worse, actually mock me (which has never happened, but I realize the potential is always there for someone to be an asshole), then let them.  Chances are those people don't work out at all, and I'll eventually (if not already) be able to out run them in all my large girl glory.

I also want to do my first 5k within the next year.  Like a real one, with other people there and everything.  I am extremely on board to do The Color Run.  I have had such jealousy of my friends who have done it, and the pictures they post afterwards.  I want to be splashed with fun colors while I run.  This year's run is already sold out, but I will definitely be signing up for the next one!  Hopefully some of my friends will be available to sign up with me.  They have been completely supportive of my goal, rather than giving me the side eye for being the fat girl trying to run.  As has Mike, and he's going to run it with me, too. :)

I have also gotten back on track with my WW tracking.  I've been lucky I think with the increase in my activity level at work, that it has covered up my slack in watching my intake.  I mapped out my week, and realized my go-to PB & J for lunch, and its 11 points could be better utilized with a salad that is only 8 points.  So, I got stuff to make a yummy grilled chicken salad for my lunches this week.  And I tried to give myself room each day for Yogurtland, or my no sugar added ice cream.   So at my most optimistic, I'll reach my 10% loss goal by Saturday.  At half optimistic, a couple of pounds lost.

So since my weigh-ins are on Saturday, I'm a little late posting my game plan for activity this week, but here it is:

Saturday: Week 1 Day 2 run-walk X2 (DONE)
Sunday: We went for an hour long walk today in the forest preserve.  (DONE)
Monday: Repeat of Week 1/Day 2 run-walk program since my ass was so kicked yesterday. (DONE)
Tuesday: 1.5 hour walk in the forest preserve with Mike if it is nice, and using my new wrist weights for the first time.  (DONE)
Wednesday: Week 1, Day 3 run-walk if Monday goes well, otherwise I'll be repeating Day 2. (DONE: TURNS OUT DAY 3 IS THE SAME AS DAY 2, WIN!)
Thursday: 2 hour walk in the forest preserve, may throw in some running to see how I do running on pavement. (DONE 5.72 miles!!)
Friday: Week 1, Day 3 run-walk for sure. (SURPRISE! WEEK 2, DAY 1 DONE INSTEAD)

And for documentation purposes, me at my heaviest:

Me at my thinnest (which was nearly 8 years ago):

Most Current:

I need to get better at taking belly pics, like pregnant woman do.  I've definitely shrunk down in my mid section since I've started, but have not done a good job of taking pictures.  So maybe every other week I'll have Mike take a picture of me like women take of their baby bumps so I have something to remind me of the progress I'm making.  Selfies (my favorite, lol) don't do this so well.

I'm not gonna start posting my WW tricks or meals, because I am certainly not at the point where I am willing to eat buckwheat pancakes, quinoa, or spinach smoothies.  Luckily, I can still eat things I like within moderation and stick to my daily points.  This I'm sure will change as the smaller I get, my sweet, sweet, daily points allowance diminishes.  All I can say for WW, is being honest with your tracking, and truly measuring things instead of eyeballing.  Even if you go over, its ok as long as you know exactly how MUCH you went over, and just make it up the next day with some activity.

Oh, and something about WW, that is awesome?  They give you trinkets for your progress!  I knew about the stickers, which excite me, but I didn't know about this keychain business.  When I reached 25 pounds, they gave me my first charm:

Once, I reach 30 pounds, which is my 10% goal, I'll get the keychain that you put the charms on.  And this actually makes me pretty giddy.  The last time I did WW, I never reached any of these milestones, so I had no clue about them.  I realize this make me seem like a dog getting excited for a treat after I learn a new trick, but this certainly does motivate me a bit and makes me giddy for the next trinket.

All else is well in the Casa B.  Mike got a plaque at work for completing his apprenticeship program, and being the first one ever to complete it!  I finally got my own automatic BP cuff and medication caddy for work.  It makes me feel so much more official.  I also had a conversation with my boss asking me how I was liking everything, and it made me feel good.  I make mistakes as I am learning, and honestly, my anxiety lately has been at its highest since I took my NCLEX.  So, any confirmation that I get that my boss doesn't think I am sucking beyond repair makes me happy.  I am going to be happy when I finish my first year.  I miss being confident in my job like I was at the dental office.  I miss knowing exactly what I need to do in any situation.  I miss not being anxious about the next mistake I made getting pointed out to me.  But, I definitely like getting to know my residents.  They really make the job worth it, even the grumpy ones. 

That's it until next week!!

Overwhelmed

So, my work life got turned upside down.  I was just about to begin my life of working the graveyard shift at the time of my last post.  I think I got a week or so into it, and was starting to adjust to it, and then my schedule completely changed.  The easy clerical-work-filled shifts with the occasional panic when someone falls and a decision must be made turned into 3-11, non-stop med-passing, overwhelming to the point of tears, kind of shift.

 I cried on my 2nd night of orientation on PM shift because all hell was breaking loose, and my preceptor left me to my own defenses pretty much.  I cried on the way home, I cried when I got home.  It was impossible.  There is no way I will ever to be able to time-manage my way out of this.  50+ med passes??  Just simply impossible.  Then of course, the realization that my full-time status would be taken away as a result of the change just made me feel like I had really done something stupid.   Plus, my dental office suddenly wasn't seeming to be as flexible as once promised.  It was a rough week, knowing that I potentially put us in a bad financial situation because of a split moment decision that this was better experience for me and my career. 

It has been rough.  Especially when cars start giving us issues, and student loans start creeping up on the horizon, demanding to be repaid.  Plus, feeling like I was so overwhelmed with adjusting to this shift, and making mistakes and beating myself up over them over and over and over.  This has not been fun. 

But this past month is over.

I have actually come very far from that first shift on my own.  Not knowing which room a resident is in, not knowing which hallway to go down to get to that room.  Forgetting my keys in the resident's room, at end of the hallway on the OPPOSITE side from where I was.  Grabbing the wrong MAR book, and thus not knowing which meds to give.  People going to bed early on me, or staying downstairs when they are usually in their rooms, or refusing to take the medications, or making the med pass take 20 minutes, when it should have been 2 minutes, etc.  I can go on and on and on.  The time I wasted in running from hallway to hallway to the nursing office and back to the residents' rooms, it just insane.

I've made mistakes, some of them I only made because that's how I was shown to do it, but regardless, I made them.  I also learned from them.  I am still learning, as well as I'm sure I have more mistakes that I will make.   It's so hard to face.  Going from being a near perfect student in nursing school, to realizing that everything isn't the cookie cutter process they teach you in school and you are no longer the rock star you thought you were is hard to face.  Sometimes, I want to call out sick, or hope my car breaks down, or just give up and be a receptionist because its so much easier.  But I haven't.

I keep going.  And I am starting to surprise myself.  Last night's shift for instance was a nightmare.  I had orders to process, I had to call a doctor, and then someone got hurt right before I needed to start my after dinner med pass.  Losing 30 minutes to an incident is not something I had time for, and I had already given up my lunch.  All I could think about was how screwed I was.  I was never going to catch up on my med pass.   "I'm fucked, I'm fucked, I'm fucked"  The other nurse on duty saw 4 residents for me, and then I was ok.  I actually had time to call and yell at the pharmacy for not delivering a resident's insulin as promised.  I finished my med pass relatively on time despite my serious set back.

I was truly surprised.  Not every night is going to be this cluster fuck of things going wrong, so if I can finish on time when everything is going to shit, I can actually do this!  Holy shift!  So, of course, I rewarded myself by spending a little extra time with the last resident I had to give medication to because she is one of my favorites, and then spent the rest of my shift finishing up my paperwork.  But I went home feeling good.  To my knowledge, I didn't forget to do anything or make a note of something I needed the day shift to look into. 

I am growing so attached to the residents.  There are one or two that I could do without, but most of them, even though it is stressful, I like getting to spend the couple of minutes with them while they take their medication.   And this is the part of my job that makes me happy to be a nurse.  The constant, on-the-go, walking everywhere nature of my shift is exhausting, and makes me sore by the time I get home, but there is a reason I do it, and it would be so much harder to do if I didn't care about the residents the way that I do.

So, the last month has been so difficult, yet so good in many ways.  And I am sure in a month from now, I'll be even more surprised at how far I will go from this point.

In other news, the sucky realization that I won't have enough vacation time accrued to go somewhere for our 5 year anniversary sunk in.  It sucks.  I may have wanted to cry because I was looking forward to the idea of it.  But, that is life.  I have to be happy that I got a job as a nurse, and remember there will be time for it later.  But this first year, its just gonna be hard to take any significant time off, and nothing can be done about it.  It doesn't make our anniversary any less special, and we will be able to have a day or two off together, so it will be wonderful regardless of what we do.

I thought my schedule would make it so that I never see Mike, but its been kind of the opposite.  He has still been up when I get home late at night, and we can truly enjoy our days together rather me being groggy when he gets home, or me sleeping until 3 or 4 on my "day off".  I'm actually pretty happy with my schedule now, and I am so happy that I can truly enjoy the time I do get with Mike.   Sure, I have to get some school work done here and there, but now that I am not spending HOURS obsessing over my med pass schedule, it is just so nice.

I also finally gathered up my courage and learned how to use my sewing machine.  Oh my goodness, I was so happy when I finally figured out how to thread that thing, which is super confusing for a newbie.  I haven't "made" anything officially yet, just practiced sewing with some fabric I had leftover from some other projects.  I haven't done much more due to being overwhelmed with work this past month, but I hope to see how I do making a simple throw pillow.  I just gotta get around to doing it! 

The weather is also starting to get back to its beautiful self, and we can't wait to go back on our walks again.  We found a new frozen yogurt place down the street, and we are in love.  It may be a bit long to walk to, but we figure it isn't an impossible walk, so we may be doing that quite a bit this summer!!  :)