Leave Me Alone!!

Any free time that I have this week, someone has tried to steal it away from me.  Some people just need to suck it up and work their shifts as scheduled.  I remember very well when I was about to drop dead from exhaustion, no one was willing to help me out.  And guess what? I sucked it up and worked my shifts.  It may not have been a pleasant experience, but I got through it.  This is the first weekend off where I had both days off completely in what feels like forever.  And as strange as it may seem, I have plans made for this rare and unusual occasion.  Especially given that my next weekend off after this was taken away from me with not so much as an offer to work a shift for me in exchange.  I'm so incredibly frustrated.  I have a life, I have a husband who would like to see me and spend time with me every once in a while.  I need rest, I need time where I don't have to put aside my need to go to the bathroom for an entire shift because my residents need me.  I need sleep.  I'm sorry that you got the virus going around at work and have to work 8 hours, but I can't always put everyone else's needs before my own.

I just wish I had the ability to stop the guilt I feel for standing my ground, and not sacrificing myself and my life for the sake of work every single freaking time someone asks me to.  It's not my job to fix this problem.

*sigh*

Ok, now that I have gotten that out of my system.

Our Christmas was lovely, as usual.  Lots of good food, lots of big laughs, lots of good presents.  We even got to Face time with my family this year while opening presents Christmas Day, which was awesome.  Everyone must have been good this year. :)  My favorite gift was a retro Nurse Barbie Mike got me.  I've had my eye on it since I graduated, and finally got my hands on one of them! :)  Mike's parents also gave me a little stuffed Nurse Bear, which I adore.

I finally figured out how to get my ticket paid, and now am registered for online traffic school.  It is sooo incredibly dull, but whatever.  Less scary than having to go to traffic court, so I can suck it up.

I need to sit down and figure out my New Year's resolutions.  Unfortunately, I am working a ton the next few days, so probably won't get to it until next week sometime!! :)  I think I've done a good job o my resolutions this year, so it won't be too hard.

:)

3 Shifts Until Christmas!!

It is my weekend to work again, and I'm up bright and early.  I could sooooo productive with my morning.  But what am I doing instead?  I'm spread out on the couch, under my favorite blanket, and sipping my coffee.  I am basically just a lazy bum today.  That's ok.  I have been productive enough this week to make up for my lack of productivity today.  :)  The only thing on my to do list is figuring out how to pay my darn traffic ticket online.  I just want to pay it online and do traffic school, and be done with the whole thing.  The cop told me I could go to court, and it would likely be dropped, but the thought of going to court is just intimidating.  I'd rather just hand over my money, please.  But my ticket isn't showing up yet.  I'll call on Monday and figure out what I am doing wrong.

I am all ready for Christmas.  :)  I have my gifts wrapped, cards sent out, supplies to make my favorite Christmas goodies.  Hair done, nails done, and plenty of wine to make wine slushies! :)  Presents to my family shipped.  We had a wonderful time downtown last weekend for our annual downtown extravaganza. lol  It was so nice on Saturday when we went with Mom and Dad-in-law to see Wicked, but when we went the next day, it was freeeeezzing.  But we warmed up with hot chocolate, and warm wine and bratwursts at Christkindlmarket at Daley Plaza.  Seeing Chicago lit up with Christmas lights is my favorite way to see it.  Oh, and tea at the Drake was amazing again as well.  They had a holiday menu this year, and while I was disappointed to miss out on my egg salad and roast beef mini sandwiches, what they served instead was just as delightful.  Turkey salad with cranberries?  My favorite. :)  The little girls in their party dresses at this time of year is just so adorable.  I would have loved to have tea time like this when I was a little girl.  

Side note: I'm glad there aren't any Garrett Popcorn stores out here in the burbs.  I've learned I have absolutely no self control around their Chicago mix, and will finish off an entire bag of it by myself.  Actually, I want more of it, lots and lots of it.  

I am in love with my North Face jacket.  It is incredibly soft, and it is warm.  I wore it when we went downtown on Sunday, and it passed the test.  I didn't think a fleece jacket could hold up so well in this Chicago winter, but this one did!  I have wanted one for a really long time, and just never could fit into them.  I hate wearing winter coats, I don't like how bulky they are or how they restrict how much I can move my arms.  So, I am very happy with my purchase.

I am gonna try to stop being lazy now. :)  Have a Merry Christmas!!

Sleep Deprivation

I am so running on fumes right now.  I don't mind working doubles at work, I get a 3 hour break between my shifts, so it is really not bad.  It would be worse if I had to work back to back 8 hour shifts like other places have nurses do.  But it is really, really, reallllllly hard to feel like I'm at the top of my game when I only got 5-6 hours of sleep the night before, and then I get stuck almost an hour past my shift because of things completely out of my ability to control, and come back to work at 700.  I'm exhausted physically and mentally, and yet, all I can do is think of my huge to do list:

Laundry
Address Christmas Cards
Wrap presents
Shower/Get ready for Wicked tonight
Be awake for Fedex delivery I managed to negotiate for 5 today (after they were late, and I missed both attempts thus far)
Spend time downtown tomorrow to see the lights, and afternoon tea at the Drake.
Ship presents for my family to TN
Plan Christmas goodies bake list and buy needed supplies
Start making and baking said goodies
Prepare goodie bags for nurse coworkers
Get nails done Friday-ish, maybe Monday
Get hair touched up
Figure out how to pay traffic ticket online
Declutter kitchen counter

And all I want to do is sleep!!  I'm so over everything I need to get done and just want to say eff it, and sleep.  But I won't do that.

I also got into a car accident yesterday during my break from work.  Just a fender bender, some jerk stopped suddenly to turn left as soon as we got through an intersection.  Luckily, no one is hurt, cars are fine, just some scratches.  In fact, maybe it is because of the snow, but the scratches one my bumper are hard to enough now.  But, this is what insurance is for.  So it will be fine, as long as the driver and his brother (the owner of the car) don't try to contact me again.  They got all of my information on the police report, and apparently felt it was necessary to to call the second I drove away to ask me to call their insurance with the info they already had.  My guess, is the guy's insurance lapsed, because otherwise they could have given their agent my information themselves.  But I don't know how any of that stuff works.

I did get my Christmas shopping done, despite the challenging week I have had.  So one thing can be crossed off my list.  However, my hubby is sick, and when it started, I totally brushed it off as just a scratchy throat.  Now he has hardly any voice left.  I feel bad, but there is also probably not much that could have been done.  It's most likely viral, but I still feel bad.

I must get moving!! More later maybe.

I've Got the Christmas Cheer!!

This has been an interesting week.  One of my coworkers put in her 2 week notice.  In the long run, I think this will be for the best.  I have been growing tired of her complaining about how she never has time for anything anymore because of her schedule, when I work more hours than she does, and I work  PMs, where she works days.  Her leaving may help the other complainer stop complaining so much because she'll be on day shift now.  So, in the long run, it will be a good thing.  Short term, it is going to suck, because that is a full time schedule we have to try to cover now.  And the newbies really aren't ready to start working more than what they are, it just makes for a disaster in my opinion.  My other worry is that if the other nurse quits, too, I could lose my Christmas off.  That was the main reason I allowed myself to get put on for so many shifts, because I was told I would get those days off.  I will be really upset if it gets taken away from me.

Other than that unsettling development, its been a good week.  We got our decorations up, and watched a lot of our favorite Christmas movies.  We started our shopping on Thursday.  We have his parents pretty much taken care of....actually we have mostly everyone on our list taken care of.  We need a few more things to finish up Mom-in-law's gifts, my little sister, and the White Elephant gift for Christmas Eve.  Of course, we do still need to shop for each other, but that will be done on our own time. :)  I also got my nails done in my favorite sparkly red color.  My residents will love them. :)

I just need to start addressing our Christmas cards so I can send them out this week.  I am waiting on a few things we ordered online to arrive, and once we finish shopping, I can wrap and ship the gifts we got for my family to TN.  I also have to start deciding on what Christmas goodies to make this year.  My yearly things are always my Santa cookies, Puppy Chow, No Bake Cookies.  Mike wants to make more than that, so I have to come up with some good ideas. :)  I'd love to get really good at making fudge.  That may be on my list now.

I just have to get through this week, and then we get to see Wicked with Mike's parents on Saturday.  I am soooo incredibly excited for this.  I love love love love love that show!  The book was really good, too!  Then we will spend the day downtown on Sunday, taking in the lights and window displays, and having afternoon tea at the Drake.  This is absolutely my favorite tradition we have each year, going downtown in the cold (hopefully snowy :)  ) weather, see how beautiful Chicago is when it is lit up with Christmas lights.  We did this the year we got married, and have done it every year since.  We also started collecting ornaments for each year when we got married, and I love it.  We have to get our 2013 ornament sometime soon, but I love our little collection.  It is still so hard to fathom we have been married for over 5 years now.  I feel incredibly blessed that this man fell into my life 12 years ago, and never left.  I never thought 12 years ago that he would end up being the man I get to sleep next to every night, and I'd be living in Chicago with him.  In fact, when I was 17, I didn't imagine my life to be anything like it is now.  But I am truly thankful it is far different from what my 17 year old, depressed self saw my life going, and Mike is responsible for so much of that.

Today I work.  And tomorrow, and the next day.  Blah!!

Memories.....the Not So Good Ones

The new grad I have been training got let out on her own the past few days.  I feel for her so much, because it has been rough for her.  Dealing with a re-admit on her very first shift alone, and having no one really tell her what she needed to do and how to do it, it just wasn't fair.  It is hard enough find your rhythm when everything is going well, much less when you are dealing with a resident who was sent back to us in an unstable condition.  So, her second shift alone wasn't much better, she had a lot getting thrown at her, and I helped her finish her med pass, and then walked her through how to do an incident report, how to chart on it, where you have to log it at, etc.  Explain to her what to do with discharge orders, and show her the errors she made so she can learn from them.  I felt bad, because I know how easy it is to beat yourself up over your mistakes....but if you don't know about your mistakes, you can't learn from it.  So, I think she knew I was just trying to help her, which made me feel better about being the bearer of the bad news.

Oh man, but did it make me remember my first shifts on my own.  It is so terrifying, especially as a new grad.  You second guess yourself so much, you waste so much time.  I remember the panic, the freaking out because you are late getting to people, late getting out.  Worrying you forgot something.  Worrying about the mistakes you made, and the ones you made but don't know you made yet.  Thinking the other nurses are bat shit crazy when they tell you it gets better, how the hell do they just walk around all slow like this is a piece of cake?  How are they not freaking out every single minute?  Why do they insist on repeatedly effing telling me it will get better?!?!?!?!  I remember crying on my way home the first night I was by myself practically because the person training me just left me to my own defenses.  It is so hard to get through that time of feeling unsure of yourself, and doubt over whether you would ever really get good at doing this.  I want so much to just pour everything I have learned in the last 10 months into her brain so that this time in her career is easier.

It didn't help that the dermatologist picked last night to see a bunch of our residents, and left us orders for all of them.  I should have been able to get to them except I had to help my coworker get through her shift.    So then I had to show the other new girl who is working overnights how to take off orders, and threw a bunch of them at her, and I felt bad, but it had to get done.  If she makes mistakes, it is ok, none of the orders were critical, so it was a not so bad place to start.  I hope anyway.  Today I am off, so today I will not worry about it.  Tomorrow I can deal with any of the problems that came about from my call to have the overnight nurse do the orders.  

Speaking of, I have the whole day off today with my hubby, and that makes me happy.  We have some errands to run, but otherwise I just want to enjoy the day with him.  :)  I have another double tomorrow, so I gotta make today count!

The Holiday Season has Arrived!

I do love this time of year so much.  I love decorating our house for Christmas.  I love the Christmas music.  I love making Christmas goodies. I love going downtown and seeing it lit up with lights.  I love the daily chocolates from our advent calendar.  I love shopping for gifts, even though it can be hard to figure out what to buy sometimes.

Thanksgiving was weird for me this year.  I felt like it was just show up, eat, and go to work.  I wish I could have stayed longer, but this is the life of a nurse.  My shift was definitely weird, a lot of my residents were out with their families, so it threw my entire routine off.  I usually see 8-9 people from 3:30-4:30, and only 2 of them were there.   So I took my break early so I could just get going as people starting coming back.  It all worked out, with only 1 person getting back really late.  I had a plate of my Mom and Dad in law's Thanksgiving leftovers to eat while I did my charting at the end of the night, and it made being at work not so bad. :)  Plus time and a half is nice, too, I guess.

Once I got home today from work and took a nap, we started on our Christmas decorations.  Everything is pretty much done except I need to buy new ribbon to put on or cabinets to hold the Christmas cards we get in the mail.  I had saved what we used last year, but it unfortunately isn't smoothing out to my liking.  And I want to buy some more poinsettias to kill again this year. :)  I'll take care of that all on Tuesday.  I will also get started on getting the Christmas cards addressed, too.  Then I have to start getting serious on the shopping.  I started on little goody gift bags to give to my coworkers, but nothing for family has been bought yet because we have no one's lists yet.  Story of my life.  It sucks, too, because we have to ship gifts this year to TN since we aren't going to be able to travel.  It will all get done one way or the other.

The biggest struggle?  I married my father, the man who doesn't "really want anything".  Last year was easy, because we got each other iPads.  So, I'm gonna have to put on my thinking cap and get to brainstorming.

This is the last week of overtime for me, I think.  I work a double tomorrow and Wednesday, and then it is back to normal for the most part.  My schedule is a bit mixed up because of the holidays, but I go back to my normal amount of hours each week.  Also, no more training, the new girls are on their own starting today, so I think all of us a (cautiously) relieved.  I hope they feel supported, I wanted nothing more than to make them feel comfortable with me so they weren't afraid to ask the "stupid" questions we all have to ask when we are starting out.  I am only one person, so its out of my hands after a certain point.  

So that is my update for now!  Just gonna relax with da hubs tonight since I won't see him tomorrow. 

Holidays as a Nurse

So, I have been scheduled off for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  Part of me feels bad that I won't see my residents on either of these days.  I should just be happy I got them off, but that thought popped into my head last night.  I won't see them, and who knows how many of them will get to go to their family's house to celebrate.  How many of them will be stuck there, how many of them won't even get a visit?  It is a sad thought, and that contributes to my sadness that I won't be there to see them those days.  It is pretty unexpected that I'd be having these thoughts about the holidays.  For example, I have to work Thanksgiving evening, and I'm really not too upset about it.  Would it be nice to have the whole evening to spend with the family? Of course, but my in-laws are amazing and moved dinner up to lunch time so I could still be with them, so I still get to see them and eat the amazing meal that they make!!  So, I still get to see Mike's family, so going to work isn't so bad.

It also unfortunately is a huge source of bitching amongst certain nurses.  They think because they have worked there for over a year and a half, that they are given a pass from having to work holidays.  And they are making the rest of us who are just accepting what we were given and trying to make the best of it miserable.  I really don't understand this.  People going into nursing should know that working holidays is part of the deal.  Maybe you'll get the better choice of shifts because of seniority, but you do not get out of working holidays all together.  If you want to work M-F, 7-3, with no weekends, and lots of time off for the holidays, you should consider a different profession.

Anyway, I am glad that I will be working/sleeping while the whole Black Thanksgiving thing is going on.  What a way to show you are thankful what you have, by shoving people out of the way to get to a TV that is 50% off.  The chance of physical injury because you want to buy some stuff really cheap just doesn't make sense to me.  What was wrong with waking up early on Black Friday, and by early, I mean 5 a.m., not waiting in line for the entire day on Thanksgiving so you are one of the first in line when they open at 6 p.m. Thanksgiving Day?  The only things I think would be worth it would be needing to be buy appliances for your house. Or maybe people with a LOT of kids and can't afford much.  Otherwise, I see no need for it.   Wake up early on Friday, and get your sales, but keep Thanksgiving where its supposed to be, eating lots of food and spending time with your family.  I'll end my yearly rant on this now. :)

In other news, I have officially worked every shift possible at work.  The last one was the 7-3 shift, and I've always been a bit scared of it because the girls who work it make it sound so stressful.  But it wasn't bad at all.  I was actually thankful that I got a call for someone having UTI symptoms, because it gave me something to do with my afternoon.  It was less fun working with the 2 nurses that bitch the most, but they kept it to a minimum around me thankfully, so I'm ok with that.  There is some drama/stress going on right now that we are all upset about, but there is nothing we can really do about it right now other than learn from it, so I'm kind of tired of talking about it.  I'm just done with all of the bitching going on at work.  I just want to go to work, do my job, go home and enjoy what little time I get with my husband.  But lately, its been a call about something or some mandatory meeting at the last minute for too many of my days off.  It kind of puts a damper on your days off.  It is hard enough to stop your brain from going into overload thinking about what happened on your shift, but then when you do and you get a call from your boss.....it ruins it.  

I am off today, and we bought tickets for Catching Fire a few weeks ago at the iPic theatre.  I am really excited about this, because we got the premium seating again with the reclining seats, pillows and blankets. :)  You can order food and drinks and they bring it to you.  The last time we did this was last year, and we loved it.  I am pretty excited to see this movie.  When my friends were all going nuts over the books and the first movie, I opted out because it sounded terrible.  What possibly could be enjoyable about reading about a bunch of teenagers fighting to the death?  Well, in typical fashion, Mike started watching the movie, and I got sucked in.  The books are so much better, and are worth it to read before you watch the movies, but the movies are still good without reading the books, too.

I also have officially killed my first pair of nursing shoes.  I bought these shoes in March, and they are amazingly comfortable, and my feet barely hurt after being on them all day.  The brand is Ahnu, and they are patent leather slip on shoes.  They look like clogs but without the huge platform.   8 months later, the patent is coming off, the sole is separating from the shoe, and the insert is destroyed.  Plus, they smell worse than my Nikes do.  But I ordered the exact same pair again and they should arrive today or tomorrow, and I'm super happy.  My feet are super happy.  I know Dansko shoes are really popular, but I wore them for clinicals my first year, and yeah, they were comfortable, but when I wore them as a PCT, I fell twice in one day and never put them on again.  The platform was just not good for my ankles, which tend to roll a lot.  So, Ahnu is now my go to brand for my nursing shoes, and they look dressy enough that I'm not self-conscious about them.

Anyway, back to the holidays.  I went super lazy this year for our Christmas cards.  I ordered customized cards, and our return address already printed on them, so all I have to do is write the address on the front.  I'm pretty happy about this, and won't feel like the overwhelming task like it usually does. I, of course, am slacking on making my list for Christmas.  It is bad that I keep thinking of nursing stuff, like a pulse oximeter, or a tympanic or temporal thermometer.  I have found some cute nurse wine glasses on etsy.  :)

Oh, and we had the Ditka Dash this weekend.  Of course, I'm not running it, I'm also not signing up for anymore 5ks until I can confidently run a 5K without stopping.  That is my goal I'm going to work on for now.  Otherwise, its gonna be fun to see everyone with mustaches and aviators. :)

Passing Away

Death is an inevitable part of life.  We like to try to control it, predict it, prevent it, delay it.  But ultimately, it is going to happen when it is supposed to happen.  I have had experience with people I was caring for passing away, I've done the after death care before.  It has never been a pleasant thing, but some are easier to deal with than others.  Most of the residents that have passed away at work have been on hospice, so its been more of an expected and managed passing.  They were comfortable, we medicated to maintain comfort, and they went peacefully when it was their time to go.  I haven't actually been there at the actual time of death, so I think that has helped me handle the loss a lot better.  It is easier to think of them being gone like they just moved out, rather than to have experienced the time of death so you know they aren't coming back for sure.

Last night was my first experience of a resident passing away on my shift, and it was unexpected.  To have just seen them shortly before, letting them see my nails because they liked my nail polish, telling them I'd see them later and that I hoped they would sleep well that night......to getting a call barely an hour later that they were unresponsive on the floor...it just floored me.  I did the best that I could, I stayed with her, I directed people to get help, to call 911, to call the family.  I wanted to do CPR, but luckily the care manager with me reminded me she is a DNR, and had the sheet to prove it to me.  All I could do was hold her, stroke her hair and her back, crying while we waited for the paramedics.  I knew she was gone, but part of me wanted so bad to hope that maybe the paramedics could do some sort of magic and bring her back.  Maybe I was wrong, maybe she did have a pulse, maybe she was breathing and I just was not assessing her properly.  I wanted so, so, so much for there to be a way to save her.  But there wasn't.  She is gone.  

I think I handled everything as well as I could have given that it was my first experience as an RN of managing the death of someone I was caring for.  I had no idea what to say to the family, but I felt so strongly to share with them how happy their mother was that day, how she gushed over my nails in her usual fashion, how positive she was all the time even when she wasn't feeling well.  They seemed to have really appreciated that.  I'm sure there are things I can handle better next time.  I know now to make sure the paramedics and police officers tell me the time of death before they leave.  I will hopefully keep it together and not cry so much next time.

I'm not going to go into the lack of help I received from the other nurse on duty, because I'm absolutely done with her after how she behaved last night.  That is all I will say about it.

I slept really well last night, and today I am off with my handsome hubby.  I want mostly to relax and de-stress after the awful day I had yesterday.  I worked a double, and it was honestly a bad day from the start.  I had a sick resident in the morning that I almost had to send out, but instead got STAT orders which sucked a lot of time away from when I was supposed to be training.  I apologized to my preceptee, because I had to take over a lot of it to get us caught up.  I did let her take over once we got caught up.  Anyway, today, I'm going to have a nice day with my hubby.  Simple as that.  And we are making my friends chicken tacos for dinner again, and I'm excited!!

RN to BSN

A lot of my classmates have either started or are about to start programs to complete their BSN, which is Bachelor of Science in Nursing.  I missed being in class a lot when I graduated, but the mental break was so beneficial to me.  I think Mike appreciated having the break of his wife not being crazy from studying.  Now that I am nearing the one year mark of working as a nurse, I need to start thinking about more than just surviving one shift at a time.  I'm not going to be at my current employer forever, and I really don't want to be hindered by the BSN only requirements a lot of hospitals are starting to attach to their job listings.  I need to just get over my fear of Chemistry and just do this already.  And the dreaded paper writing.  I hate writing papers.  That is why I stopped being a psychology major because I envisioned having to get my masters, and doing research, and then writing the dreaded research articles and trying to get published.  Ugh, no thank you.

I was registered for Chemistry, but I changed my mind at the last minute.  It turned out to be a good thing because of the hectic mess that developed at work.  I would have been pretty screwed.  We finally started training some new nurses this week, so hopefully this will resolve the problems with the schedule.  Which, I never thought about the day when I would be training the new grads!  I still feel so much like a new grad even though that label isn't really appropriate for me anymore.  I guess I should be honored that my boss thinks I'm ready to precept the new nurses.  Honestly, I just didn't anticipate that I'd be training other nurses at this point.  But I do like it, and happy that my preceptee has confided that they feel more comfortable with me than some of the other nurses who have not been so nurturing as preceptors.  I guess they have forgotten what it was like for them to be a new, terrified nurse.  I haven't, and I don't think I ever will.  How can you get mad at them later for their mistakes, if you didn't give them a good foundation to start and rush them on just the their second day of training?  Sure, it may have taken her longer to get through a med pass than if I were doing it alone, but I've been doing this for over 9 months now, this is her first week, how would I ever expect her to be as fast as I am?  I don't, and I don't want her to be fast.  I want her to be safe and accurate.  Speed comes later.  So, I hope they are spared from the eat-their-young-nurses as much as possible so they don't feel terrified every day.  Because we need them to stay and not go running for the hills!!

Anyway, once they are up and running (not for the hills, I mean, lol), I should get my set schedule back.  *yay!!!*  This is important to be able to sign up for classes.  I really just gotta get over it and get it done.  Chemistry will never just vanish from my nursing to-do list, unless I'm content to never better myself.  Which I am not.  So, chemistry will happen this next semester.  It just has to.

The part after that is researching RN to BSN programs.  I want to do it online, and I want it to be through a good school, just not just pop up online school.  I have always gravitated towards Northern Illinois University.  I just feel like this is where I should go.  I need to do a lot of research, and make sure I'm picking a school that will work best for me, both content and money wise.  But I'll be pretty surprised if I don't end up at NIU.  Also, I get tuition reimbursement through work, so that will definitely be a huge incentive for me to work hard, so I get all that money back hopefully.  I really don't want to use financial aid if I don't have to.  So we will see what happens, and just make it happen.

I have today off from work, and its been lovely just lounging, sipping my coffee.  I'm trying to talk myself into going back to the gym today.  And then maybe if I do that, I'll reward myself with a pedicure that I so desperately need, or I will settle for some soup from Panera.  Damn is that stuff addicting.  I have a lovely date night planned with this really handsome man tonight that I am really looking forward to.  Just don't tell my husband, he might get jealous. :)

Doctor Orders

I'm pretty over families who show up maybe once every month or so telling me how I should do my job.  Every diabetic patient I have ever cared for had their sugar checked before meals, and insulin given before meals.  There is a reason for this, there is research, science, and like, doctors and stuff, totally backing up me checking your mum's blood sugar before dinner.  If I need to give them insulin, its best to give it before a meal, so they don't go hypoglycemic.  Checking their blood sugar after a meal will only show a totally normal rise in blood sugar after meals (which everyone goes through), and if you are giving insulin based on this number, you are giving them too much, and they will be hypoglycemic later on.  So, when you give me attitude for doing my job the way its been ordered for me to do it, and the way scientifically and medically is the norm to do....you are forever on my idiot's list.

I really don't mean to come off as if I can't handle when people question me.  I'm totally ok with that, but this particular family regularly does this, and some of them are actually really rude about it, and I'm just done.  I believe my nursing license and training and experience, and more importantly, the doctor's license and training and experience trumps your 30 minute google education.  Maybe ask me why, and I can explain to you the physiology to you, and actually educate you, rather than acting as if I'm totally incompetent.  I also can't go rouge and decide to check your loved one's blood glucose and treat it with insulin whenever I feel like it..... I'm not a doctor, and I can't go around shooting people up with insulin without a doctor giving an order to do so.  I realize you may have taken it upon yourself to do this when you had your mother/father living with you, but you didn't have a license to protect.

Also gotta love when a family member asked me to wipe off the lancet needle with an alcohol swab and use it multiple times to save them money.  $10, the typical cost for a 100 lancet needles, is certainly not enough to have me risk my safety for you, sir.  Nope, Nope, Nope.

Moving on, today I have a spa day scheduled.  I'm getting a massage and then a facial.  I really need a pedicure, too, but I'm worried if I schedule it before the massage, they won't be dry enough and will get messed up, and I'd rather just go straight home after the massage and facial.  So, maybe I'll save that for the weekend.  I'm pretty excited for all the time I am going to get to have with Mike this week.  I am starting to feel like I'm able to get some balance back.  Still nervous that the new nurses still haven't been scheduled yet.  I really do want my normal schedule back, and the longer it takes for them to start orientation, the longer it will be before I get back to my set schedule and being able to plan things in advance again.

I am trying to get myself back into gear with running, and weight watchers.  But, it is so easy to eat comfort food when you are stressed, and justify Starbucks when you are working a ton.  And broccoli cheddar soup is healthy, right?  Man, I love that soup from Panera!!  Anyway, I really do want to get back on board, and now that I'm not working a bunch of overtime, I really don't have any excuse.  But, today??  Panera or Toasty Cheese probably is happening.  Just being honest!

I guess that is all for now. :)

Rainy Wednesday

So, for some odd reason, I am up super early today and feel exhausted still from my shift last night.  I am working a reasonable number of hours this week thankfully, and I even got my weekend off.  Of course I was a bit busy.  I had to run downtown to pick up my packet for the Hot Chocolate 5k, then I needed to do some super important makeup shopping, grabbed some lunch, and then off to 3 1/2 hour appointment at the salon to get my hair done.  Which went amazingly.  I decided last minute to schedule my hair appointments on Saturday, and threw caution to the wind and scheduled with a new colorist because it would have taken too long to get in with my normal girl, and I saw my friend from nursing school for my haircut instead of my usual guy.  It really worked out great, my hair is a lovely brunette with some red/violet tones to it with some minimal highlights.  My nursing buddy even curled my hair, and it was really cute.  It stayed curly all night, and even into the next day, with very little hairspray.  It worked out perfectly for us meeting up with Mike's parents for dinner then a show at Improv to see Chris Katan.  Too bad his opening acts were funnier than he was.

I was nervously checking my phone all day on Saturday to see if my coworker ended up calling in sick for her shift on Saturday.  She tried like hell to get out of it, and I was really worried about her screwing everyone over by just calling in.  Luckily that didn't happen.  I really do hope that this crap slows down once the new nurses that were hired are cleared to start training.  I have to request off my normally scheduled off weekend in December to make sure our plans to see Wicked with Mike's parents aren't ruined, as well as our reservations at the Drake for afternoon tea the next day.  Everything else is so up for grabs until the new nurses are ready to go on their own.  But oh well.

Sunday we did the Hot Chocolate 5k, and I'm so happy we were able to make it!!  We power walked our way through, because running has just not had a space in my life right now.  But we were certainly not the last ones to finish!  The chocolate goodies at the end were super delicious, and we had a really good time.  We also looked really cute in our matching pull-over sporty hoodies that they give you in your swag bag.  I think I definitely want to do it again next year!  We were pretty exhausted afterwards and took a 4 hour nap when we got home, and still went to bed early that night!  It was a great weekend off from work, and I was so thankful that I had both days off.

Everything else is going the same as it has been.  It is really nice that the holidays are coming up, and even though I'm working on Thanksgiving, we still get to see Mike's parents that day for a lovely Thanksgiving meal that isn't microwaved.  We had made reservations because we felt really bad about asking them to move things up earlier, but they ended up moving things up early and insisted on it.  It made me feel happy that I won't miss out on Thanksgiving with them.  It will be a bit rushed, sure, but that's ok with me.  Mom-in-law and I are still getting to make our annual visit to the craft fair at the Odeum.  It is important to me to keep up certain things even though my schedule is different now, and getting off of work isn't as easy as it was before.  I find a way to make it work. :)

I am hoping that nothing else happens to make my life more hectic work-wise, because I need things to slow down a bit so I can feel like home isn't just a place to sleep.  I miss my set schedule, knowing when I can plan things and when I can not.  I need the work/life balance thing back.  Some of the positives to this is I'm earning brownie points with my boss, and becoming more confident in my abilities.  But, oh what I would give to not be living on Panera and Starbucks right now!!!

Happy Halloween

I'm off of work today thankfully.  I could barely talk last night towards the end of my shift.  At least things went pretty smoothly.  I still don't know how I did this.  I still feel exhausted even after sleeping in today until nearly 10 a.m., but I'm determined to make something of my day besides being a lazy slug on the couch.

My boss finally posted the November schedule, and it really cheered me up the other night when I got the exclusive first peek before my coworkers got to see it.  My set schedule is gone, as is everyone else's, but I'm scheduled for a normal amount of hours, and my days are reasonably spread out.  So, I'm happy that I won't be working an insane schedule like I have been.  Most of us are ok with the set schedules being thrown out temporarily, but of course a couple are throwing a fit.  I don't even care at this point.  Hopefully, they suck it up because if they decide to quit like they have been threatening, it would really suck.  Otherwise, I'm really happy that I feel like I'm getting my life back.

I have to work a double tomorrow, but then I have my precious weekend off....the first one in over a month.  I'm so excited, I can't even decide what I want to do with it.  We were supposed to have the Hot Chocolate 5k on Sunday, but I've unfortunately been working too much to properly prepare.  I e-mailed them to see if its possible to switch to the walk instead, but we will see.  I really hate the idea of missing it when we have already paid for it.  We will see.  I think I want to try to make it somehow.

Today, I really hope I can get over it and just schedule my damn hair appointment already.  This is why I go so long between appointments, because I either don't have time or I'm too nervous to do it.  I definitely need a pampering day, and right now, a massage sounds amazing with how bad my back is hurting me right now.  Hair cut, color, facial, pedicure, maybe a massage.  That sounds like a pretty amazing day to me.  Once I have worked up the courage to actually schedule it all.

I'm slowly starting to feel human again.  I finally updated my planner and the calendar for Mike.  I finally decluttered and cleaned my caddy I carry with me at work....it was a jumbled mess.  Now, I need to sort through all the mail I've piled up, and clean out my purse, and get the checkbook in order again.  Right now, I've just been paying bills as they pop up in my banking account, rather than the set schedule I made up.  We have more than enough money in the account to cover everything, so I haven't been balancing.  Which I hate.  I hate it so much, but I'm not going to go back and balance the last month's worth.  I'm just gonna start from today and be more on top of it going forward.

I also finally got around to buying malpractice insurance.  With the last 2 nurses getting fired for things that could have happened to any of us, it really made me regret not buying it sooner.  You just think, what could possibly happen? Well, now that I have an idea, I really couldn't justify not buying it anymore.  So, hopefully I never have to use it, and I feel like I will have some protection in the event something does go wrong at some point.  Best $100 I ever spent.

I have also surprised myself this past week or so.  My gut is my lifeline.  There have been things that have happened, and my brain would have told me to disregard it as usual symptoms for a resident.  My gut however told me to investigate, and I may have very well saved the life of one of my residents.  I also knew when to up the comfort meds for a resident with just a feeling that something more was starting to happen, and she passed away a few hours later.  I actually think I wouldn't make such a horrible hospice nurse.  I have found I do a pretty good job of managing the resident's symptoms that have been on hospice.  It is definitely easier in the end to figure out what is needed.  In the early stages, it is really hard to tell (for me anyway) if someone is just agitated or in pain.  But closer to the end, I have found I just know what to do without much thought.  I never thought I'd be playing the role of hospice nurse as much as I have in this job, but its not as awful as I thought.  I've been able to keep it together for my resident's family, and support them as much as the resident through this time.

 I really have surprised myself lately with how much of a nurse I feel like.  I still have so much to learn, but I definitely can see my confidence growing.  It feels good to not second guess myself as much as I used to.  This feels really good.  And while I may be exhausted from the amount of hours I've been putting in, I don't regret it because I know my residents are being taken care of.  I love them all.  On my usual shift, I have 45+ grandparents now that I get to take care of, joke with, learn about their past, and feel like they are my family now.  I get hugs on a daily basis at work. It  really makes it easy to forget all the coworker drama/stress.  I love it.

I am such a Wimp

I caved.  I am working tomorrow night unless someone decides to see the light, and stop being selfish assholes.  So, 6 days in a row, 55+ hours in one work week.  I have lost track of how many hours I've actually worked in the last couple of weeks.  I barely know what day it is.  I'm basically only working and sleeping at this point.  I know this is temporary, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle.  Like I said in my last update, I broke down bawling like a baby in the nurses' office after my coworker left.  I was a step away from crying all night, or I was severely deficient in my patience.  This is extremely uncommon for me, usually I am able to set aside my troubles when I start working.  I don't think about any of my personal stress when I make my rounds.  I put them aside and put on a happy face for my residents because they don't need to know I'm having a rough time.  The last thing I would want is for them to feel like they are a burden to me, so I try to do everything I can to make them see only happy me, not sad, stressed, exhausted, near tears me.

I can't even plan anything right now for my days off because who knows what is going to happen.  And I don't even know what my days off are going to be for the next month.  I hate not being able to plan my life.  I hate that I can barely do anything for myself other than sleep right now.  Weight Watchers and exercise?? Pssshh, what's that?!?!  A social life?? Yeah, right!  Being able to put my head on the pillow and NOT think about work??  Not happening.

I have to work on Thanksgiving, so I asked Mike to make us reservations for Wildfire for lunch time that day so I can still have a hot (non-microwaved) Thanksgiving meal.  His parents usually don't start having people over until 3, and that's the time I have to be at work, and I feel incredibly selfish asking them to move dinner time up to lunch time just for me.  So, Mike mentioned it to them, but I may just have him tell them to disregard it.  We'll just have a nice meal out, and then I'll go to work, and that will be the end of it.  It sucks to know I'm missing my first Thanksgiving after 8 years of spending it with his family.  I really feel incredibly sad about it.  But I guess I'll just have to add that to the list.

I will hopefully still get my weekend off coming up.  I was really worried I would be forced to work, but my boss assured me she would still give it to me.  I guess we will see what happens.  It will be really nice to have a weekend off, and be able to spend it with Mike, and not sleep the entire time.  I just have to try to put all the stress and drama at work behind me.  It's really not having a good effect on me right now, and I need to find some inner peace about it all, because otherwise, I may very well lose it.  I have not been this stressed and exhausted and emotionally wrecked since nursing school.  But at least my anxiety seems to be under control, its just everything else that is a mess right now.

Another First

Closing the door to the nurses office and having a massive cry fest.  The overtime has officially gotten to me, I think.

What a Mess

So, we definitely lost another nurse.  And another one put in her notice.  And 2 others are threatening to quit and refusing to pick up any extra shifts.  I don't know what to say about it all other than I think it is really disappointing.  Everyone is showing their true colors, and certain nurses are lashing out at everyone else.  I'm trying not to engage, and so far I have controlled my urge to scream at them to get over it.  I made cupcakes for everyone, and luckily they were well received, but I'm not delusional to think that they were going to fix everything.  I just hoped it would signal everyone to remember we are all drowning, and we need to be kind to each other right now, not lashing out.  It really makes going to work so much worse, and so much more stressful.

So, my life is going to continue to be crazy for at least the next month.  My boss is throwing out everyone's set schedule and putting all of us where she needs us.  Which sucks, but I also can appreciate why she has to do this.  It spreads the burden to everyone, not just the few who are willing to pitch in and help.  But, it could also blow up in my boss's face and forces the two nurses to quit.  I hope this doesn't happen.  So, I already told Mike I'll be working a crazy schedule for a while most likely, and I'm so thankful of how understanding and supportive he has been during this time.  I am so so so thankful he knows I'm not choosing work over him just because I'd rather be at work.  He understands my need to make sure my residents get taken care of, my sense of responsibility to them.  He also knows how much I'd rather be at home with him than working as much as I am.  I'm really blessed to have a husband who is so understanding and supportive, I really am.

I've softened on the one coworker who bit my head off a while back when SHE was late.  She will probably never be my bestie, but seeing how much she is pitching in right now, while others are throwing their 2 year old-style temper tantrums.....she just gained some respect from me.  She's also getting shit thrown on her from everyone, and its just not fair.  You can dislike someone without being so blatantly rude and in your face about it.  Maybe she makes mistakes, and maybe she doesn't always have the best approach to acknowledging her mistakes, but I can see that she's trying after working with her a few times.  So, right now, I'm trying to get her a second chance, and finally trying to adjust my attitude.  We'll see how it goes.

One possible upside to this shit show, is that if the 2 nurses throwing their temper tantrums do in fact quit, I will be able to move to day shift.  That would be really nice to get my evenings back with Mike. But I'm not going to hold my breath waiting for it to happen, because I really hope they don't quit anytime soon because we are already short on nurses, and we'd be royally screwed if they left right now.  But it is a nice thought that eventually that may be my reality.

So, today is an off day for me thankfully.  I worked a double last night, and I work another double tomorrow night.  Then my weekend to work, off Tuesday, then another double on Wednesday.  After that, who knows what shifts I'll be on.  I have a really bad headache that has lingered since last night.  I need to get my nails done, but then staying home sounds really nice, too.  Maybe I'll take my no chip off tonight and go during my 3 hour break tomorrow.  I got this dark navy blue with a glitter polish on my ring fingers, and I loved it, but now I'm bored of it and need something else.  I also am starting the process of obsessing about my hair and what to do with it.  It has been horribly neglected for the past 7 months because I just didn't care.  It usually is up in a pony tail or bun at work, so its just not been a big priority to keep it trimmed and colored.  But I'm thinking about it now because I am in desperate need of some pampering, and getting my head shampooed at my salon is one of my favorite things.  I also want a facial because my face has been breaking out so bad from all the stress and sweating at work.  A massage is also something I'm considering.  I've never had one before, but I'm getting myself closer and closer to being ok with being naked under a towel in front of a perfect stranger after all the stress on my back lately.

But who knows when I'll be able to schedule it all, by the time I've obsessed about my hair a long enough time, I'll have no free time at all to do it.

Spoke Too Soon

I was supposed to have the weekend off, and get to enjoy time with Mike and his parents, and have our friends over on Sunday for Sunday TV Funday.  But instead, I worked last night, and I'm working again tonight.  We may be short another nurse on top of the one we lost a couple of weeks ago.  I am pretty upset over the whole thing, but I also understand why it is necessary even if I wouldn't make the same call.  So, while I could have said no, and held strong to it, I just couldn't leave my boss high and dry, and ultimately, I'm going to make sure my residents are taken care of.  Therefore, I work.  I was super sad about having to cancel plans that I was looking forward to so much.  Luckily, everyone was understanding of my situation.

My last day at the dental office yesterday, and I did fine until people started hugging me.  Then, when I had to take the keys to the office off of my keychain, I just lost it.  I started bawling to my boss.  This place has been a great place to work, despite any drama or stress that may have come with it.  My coworker there did the flowers for my wedding, the whole office supported me while I went back to school.  It still doesn't feel real to me that I've worked my last day there.  I just can't get my brain to accept it yet.  I just don't get why I have such a hard time quitting jobs.  I didn't go to school just to be a receptionist, so why is it hard for me to remove that title from myself finally?  I'l get over it eventually, but right now, it just simply hurts my heart.

I don't have much else to say because I'm working too much to have had anything of substance happen.  And I can't even really discuss the current drama going on at work.  This is my life right now.  Tired, overworked, bitchy, and living off of Panera, Wendy's, and lots of Starbucks.  If only I could get an IV of pure caffeine initiated and infusing during my shift....a nurse can dream, right?

Time for a Break

I work another double tomorrow.  Then I have my last day at the dental office on Saturday.  And I don't have to be back at work until Wednesday.  I finally managed to get someone to take just one of my shifts from me, and luckily they picked one that resulted in a 4 day break for me.  I'm so beyond excited.  This is the first time I've had more than 2 days off together since Christmas time.  I am so relieved to know I'm getting a real chance to recuperate from this madhouse schedule of mine.  I'm sad that they haven't found another nurse yet, because it means we all have to keep pitching in to cover the open shifts.  Seeing how difficult it has been to get someone to help me out, I am not going to be so quick to say yes anymore.  I was so worried that I'd be viewed as unwilling to help by saying no, that I have rarely said no when someone asked me to work for them.  Now I know to be more selective, lesson learned.  Moving on.

In the midst of this week, we lost a resident unexpectedly.  I am pretty upset about it, but it has been easy to keep myself busy to distract me from it.  I know this comes with the territory of the work that I do, and its part of life.  Ultimately, everyone will pass away.  Of course, the setting of my work means I see the same residents on a daily basis for an indefinite period of time.  This allows a certain level of bonding that isn't always possible in the hospital setting.  You learn about their families, their life, their likes, dislikes.....you can tell when something isn't right with them before any measurable symptoms start appearing.  So, when they pass away, its a weird place to be, you aren't their family, but its a loss that hurts nonetheless.  Not being able to fully disclose everything I know when the other residents start asking what happened.  Its also is worse when it happens unexpectedly.  I would have given them a hug had I known it was the last time I would be seeing them, and told how wonderful it was getting to know them and care for them.  But I never got to do that, and it eats me up a bit when I allow myself to think about it.  One of the few upsides to how busy I have been lately, is I don't have much time to do that.

I guess there is no good way to explain how my heart hurts over this, and that this is just one part to the life of being a nurse.  And part of me hopes I never get good at letting it not bother me.

Nurse Exhaustion

I have been insanely busy lately with work.  I survived my 60 hours in 5 days last weekend, and now I'm just working on the latest stretch of work, while its not as bad because I can actually sleep again, I can't get over the exhaustion I'm feeling.  Everyone keeps telling me "Oh, but I bet the paycheck will be nice", I couldn't care less about the money.  You can't buy time, you can't buy sleep. But it is what it is, its likely to be like this for a while until they hire another nurse and get her trained for overnights.  I'm working a lot, but at least now there is time allotted for sleep.  I do at least feel pretty human again, rather than the zombie I felt like last Wednesday night.

This Saturday is my last day at the dental office.  I guess that has been one upside to all the working, is I haven't had much time to think about it.  It is going to be weird to have to hand over my keys to the office.  I've had those keys on my keychain for over 6 years.  This office has been a part of my life for so long, it just feels so unnatural that I will no longer be an employee there, just a patient.  I always knew this day would come eventually, but I still can't believe it.

Working in our memory care unit has gone much better than I thought it would.  I was pretty scared of learning all the residents, and figuring out who takes what medications what way.  I wouldn't say I have the shift perfected, but its not scary to me anymore.  Which feels good to be able to say that I can adapt, and overcome fears I have.  It just makes me a better nurse in the long run.

There is so much over the next few months that I am looking forward to soooooo much! Saturday we are going to Fright Fest at Six Flags with Mom and Dad-in-law, Sunday (TV) Fundays with N & J, Pumpkin Patch, Hot Chocolate 5k, Thanksgiving (yummmm), Ditka Dash, Wicked with Mom and Dad-in-law (soooooooooo excited for this!!!!!), Our 5th Annual Downtown Christmas Extravaganza, Christmas and the cookies that come with it.  New Year's :)  It's really weird to think that next year I'm gonna be 30 years old.  The age that I thought was soooooo old when I realized that's how old my parents were, and worried they would up and die on me when I was little.

I've been slacking big time on the running and Weight Watchers, but its just been too hectic in my life to focus.  I will start back up tomorrow.  I promise. :)

I Made a Mistake

So here it is.  That moment where I realize I made a mistake as a nurse, and must face the music and own up to it.  I had the first shift on my own in our memory care unit the other day.  I was pretty disoriented by how most of the residents were in the common area instead of their rooms like how it is in the area I normally work.  I did an ok job of remembering who everyone was from my orientation last week, and only had to ask about who one resident was.  I was slow because I don't know the medications/schedule for these residents yet, so I took a while trying to figure it out.  I thought I was good to just sign my books later because I felt like I was being careful about what pills I was pulling to administer.  The shift could have gone smoother, but I felt like I did a decent job overall given that it was my first time working it alone.

So, I knew I rushed out towards the end and figured I'd go over the MARs really good later to make sure I signed everything.  I didn't get to to do it the same day, I did it last night, and realized I missed a couple of medications.  They were narcotics, which our supply of those medications are closely monitored, and others would surely notice that I didn't sign them out.  I did not want to lie and say they were refused, because that just didn't make sense and would look suspicious no matter what.  After asking a coworker what to do, I decided to just tell my boss and face whatever consequences may come.  You never know when someone is going to decide to point out your mistake, and trying to cover it up just makes it look worse.  So, I did what she told me to do, and felt better about owning up to my mistake.  I may get written up for the medication error, but there was no harm to the residents as a result, so I'm ok with it.

I also took the high road and didn't point fingers at other nurses who had done the same thing this week.  I figured trying to point out that I wasn't alone in making this type of mistake would just make me look like I was trying to direct the attention away from myself to others, and I'll let the others handle their mistakes on their own, and let them deal with getting sleep at night over their integrity and honesty.  I missed 2, someone else missed far more this week, and several others made the same mistake with different residents.  It happens, we're human, not robots.  But for my own sake, I didn't want the anxiety hanging over me wondering when/if someone would point out my error, and my boss getting upset with me for not catching it and telling her myself, or worse realizing (if I had tried) I tried to cover it up.  I do not want to be branded a liar.  I want my boss to be able to trust me and what I say. So, telling my boss wasn't the easy way out (i.e. wasting the drug by myself and writing it as given in the Narc book and praying no one says anything to my boss about them seeing the discrepancy in the mean time), it was hard, I was crying a bit when I told her I understood if she had to write me up, shaking when I said I deserved it.  But after I hung up the phone, I took a deep breathe and moved on.  I did the right thing, I took control of the situation once I realized my mistake, and no one will be able to hold it over my head or expect that I owe them something for their silence.  And I have learned a lesson here, to always check and double check, and triple check.  Especially when dealing with new residents I am unfamiliar with.  I will only get better, and these mistakes will not happen again.

So, I survived my two days in a row of working early morning to late night.  I have today off to recoup a bit, then I'll move into 3 days of working in a row.  A double on Monday, 3-11 Tuesday, then another double on Wednesday.  Luckily, I have Thursday off and can recover some more.  Then things slow down a little bit.  I'm still working a couple of extra shifts over what will be my new schedule now this month, but then it will go back to normal.  It's nice to make some overtime, sure, but it is a whole different situation to jump into overtime when you don't need it.  When I was poor when I first moved up here, I would gladly take any hours I could get.  Now, I'm just not desperate for the extra money, so it is a lot harder to work all those extra hours.  Right now, its just a matter of my work needs me, and I'm doing my part to help out.  I will eventually not feel so tired and worn out.  I had a worse time in school, got less sleep than I am right now, and somehow survived.  My only worry is that I will get sick from working so much.  But life goes on.

So, today is just gonna be a relax day, and then we are having friends over to finally watch the series finale of Breaking Bad!! :)

Sometimes Good Things Make Me Sad

So, a coworker was let go yesterday.  I'm sad about her not being there anymore, she was a good coworker to have.  It came as a complete shock to everyone.  But, it is what it is, and we have to just accept it and move on.  The good thing about this, is that I was given some of their shifts.  This makes me a full time employee again, after 7 months since I went down to being part-time.  Why this makes me sad is that it makes it necessary for me to quit my job at the dental office.  This is really hard for me. While obviously, I didn't go back to school and become a nurse just to keep my job there, its been my work home and work family for so long....its really hard for me to give that up.  My boss has done so much for me during the last 6 years, it just makes me sad to be leaving her.  I'm sad that I won't get to catch up with my work bestie in person as often.  I'll still go there as a patient, so its not like it is goodbye forever or anything, but it just is an end to a job that has been such a (mostly) good place to me.

On the other side, I'll only have one job now and be making a lot more money.  The extra shifts I picked up are in our memory unit, so while its scary to have to learn a whole different group of residents, its only good for me career wise.  I'll be a more well-rounded nurse as a result.  I'll be able to talk to any of the doctors or family members about any of the residents.  And I will be able to pick up more shifts when needed because I'll be more comfortable.  It's all going to be good, it is just new and a little terrifying right now, but I know I'll be fine once I get the swing of it.

I guess another downside, is I'm gonna be working a ton of overtime until they get another nurse hired. We all will be.  Its going to suck, but it is what it is.  Sure, nice paychecks are involved, but I'm going to be working a bunch of doubles , and it is just exhausting.  Lots of Starbucks will be consumed.  And chocolate.  Nurses survive on caffeine and chocolate.  My nurse crew can go through an entire bag of chocolate like a gang of fat kids who have been on a strict diet for the last month.  Yeah, it is super hypocritical, but we gotta do what we gotta do.

So today, I'm doing some stuff around the house, and we'll go do our shopping, but I want to rest up as much as I can because I'm working a double tomorrow.  It's also my first day of working in our memory unit on my own, so that adds a little special frosting of stress to my double cupcake.  But Mike is only working a half day today, and he's bringing me Toasty Cheese for lunch. :)  And Scandal's 2 hour season premiere is tonight!  Lots of happy :)

Change My Attitude

So, the coworker who tried to bite my head off last week because SHE was late.  I've been thinking about it.  She has given me a lot of reasons to dislike her, true, but I need to change my attitude that I've developed towards her.  Acting like she knows everything, never makes mistakes, isn't responsible for the mistakes she makes, and can't be bothered to smile and say hello when she comes in.  While these may be things that make her easy to dislike, giving a cold front isn't going to change it.  Instead of getting irritated when she doesn't bother to say hello, just "What are you doing here?", I'm going to say "Hello to you, too" and hope she can catch on.  I'm going to stop wishing for her to mess up big time so that she will learn to be humble, and admit she doesn't know it all.  This may never happen, and its not worth my energy to think about it.  I feel like having this attitude about her makes me just as bad as the nurses who I felt were picking on me, even if I don't take it as far as they did.  So, I have to stop.  And I will.

Of course, speaking of, I'm probably gonna get chewed out by the nurse I work with on the weekends, because other coworkers were complaining about her, but of course, she thinks because she only works with me, that I was the one to complain about her.  It is true that she never helps me, but I went into it knowing she would not help me, so I've never expected anything else from her.  I'm actually thankful for this, because it helped me a great deal in being able to get through my shift without needing any help most of the time.  I'm a terrible liar, so I hope I can play dumb well enough to get her to calm her jets with me.  But we will see.

Women are so catty.  We are.  It is not easy to work with a bunch of women without having drama.  Even if most of the women get along, there is usually that one or two that like to stir the pot.  It isn't enough for them to come to work and do their job, they want to make it interesting.  This was one of the big driving forces in me going back to school in the first place, because this was constantly happening with coworkers who were old enough to be my mom.  I was wrong to think that once I was working as a nurse, that this wouldn't be a problem.  Luckily, my interaction with my fellow nurses is pretty limited due to the way we are scheduled, so I am not constantly confronted with it.  I can go about my way without having to sit next to someone for 8 hours giving me attitude, or making my shift hell.  I do wish there was more time to chat like there is at my dental office, but my hourly salary is not what it is just for me to have tons of down time to chat.  That's ok.  I do enjoy being able to go in and do my work, and go home and not take work with me as much as I used to.

Anyway, fall definitely feels like it is here, and I'm really happy about this.  We got our pumpkin dish all filled up with candy corn this week.  I don't really like to decorate for fall that much, because its just not as fun to me without having kids.  I like carving pumpkins, though, so that will definitely happen again this year. :)  I can't wait however to decorate for Christmas, I absolutely love how festive our place looks with everything up.  And I'm excited for Christmas cookies, it makes me happy to bake and decorate my goodies each year.  We have our annual M & E downtown window display and high tea extravaganza all planned.  We have done this every year since we got married.  The tea at the Drake was just added last year though, but its a keeper.  I am so happy my mom-in-law turned me onto hot tea, it is a daily staple in my life now.

I'm not looking forward to the inevitable crappy drives to work as winter arrives this year, but it is amazing how well I handle them now compared to my first winter experience up here.  The first time I flew up here to visit Mike, i bought a coat, scarf, and gloves to prepare.  I thought I was good to go.  Oh no.  I wasn't.  I was wearing my favorite Mary Janes with ankle socks, and long sleeve t-shirts.  I would freeze in the 30 seconds between the door of the hotel to the door of Mike's car.  It was sub zero that week, which I had never experienced temperatures that cold in my life.  Getting below 32 is hard enough in Nashville, being -16 is unheard of.  Yet, this boy that I was head over heels in love with made me move up here despite the crappy winters.  It took about 4-5 winters before I stopped being completely miserable in the winter time.  Now I feel like an old pro at it.  What a difference in 9 years from that first winter visit!! :)

I Love My Mornings

I work the 3-11 shift most of the time, and when I first started working it, I didn't think I would like it.  Not getting home until nearly midnight (which is way past my usual bedtime - I like my sleep), and also the thought of never seeing Mike because I'd be sleeping when he's leaving for work, and he would be asleep when I got home from work.  Add in the fear I had of seeing 45+ residents every night, and that I would be going down to part-time hours, I almost didn't take this shift.  At least working night I could still have dinner with Mike every night, and it was relatively non-scary due to the more clerical nature of that shift.  But my brain kept nagging at me that it would be the better experience, no matter how scary it was to take on a shift with non-stop med passing.  I knew only being able to put "Chart auditing" on my resume was not what I wanted to get out of my first year as a nurse.

So, I made that scary call to my boss to ask her if I could still take the 3-11 shift.  I wasn't sure if it would still be available since I had made it pretty clear that I didn't want it when she first approached me.  Luckily, it was still available, and it was mine.  It was a pretty rough day because then I had to negotiate myself hours at my dental office to make up for going down to part-time.  I was pretty upset that day because I was worried about how our finances would work out.  But once I sat down and did the numbers, I knew we would be ok.  I was terrified, but I knew it was the right thing for me and my career.

It was rough getting used to this shift.  Any free time I did have, I spent it obsessing over the list of people I needed to see, trying to absorb it, making the list over and over a few times to make it easier for me to learn the rooms, which hallways to go down, which MAR book to grab.  I cried the first time I attempted to do the shift on my own because the person training me kind of left me to my own devices.  I cried the entire 35 minute drive home.  I cried when I got home.  I never, ever thought I would be able to work this shift and get out on time.  Or that I'd make a mistake and get fired.  I never thought I would learn all the medications like the other girls seem to know like the back of their hand.  Honestly, I thought my coworkers must be crazy to be able to get through this shift like it was nothing.  It definitely made me feel like maybe I would start looking for another job sooner than originally planned.

7 months later, and my perspective on it is completely different.  I have my routine for my shift down pretty well.  I don't have all the meds memorized by heart, but most of them I do.  I still have crazy nights where all hell breaks loose and I get behind, but those are usually because of things that I have no control over or ability to foresee.  When those nights happen,  I accept whatever help my coworker that night can give, and just keep swimming....it all does get done eventually, and my residents will forget soon enough that I was late or rushed seeing them.  I am far more confident than I was when I first started this job.  Someone falling does not send me into a panic anymore like it used to.  I still have so much to learn, but I'm not nearly as terrified as I used to be.

Now, I get to enjoy most of my mornings not rushing around trying to get ready.  I can get my coffee ready, and lounge on the couch while I catch up on my Perez Hilton gossip, and wake up as slowly as I would like.  I can be productive if I need to because I'm not about to crash from exhaustion after working a long day (and not getting enough sleep the night before).  And I still have plenty of nights where I get to have dinner with Mike, and we have Tuesdays off together usually, so my worry about never seeing him wasn't really warranted.  Plus, my shifts go really quickly due to the number of people I have to see, so it doesn't usually feel like I just put in 8 hours of work.  I'm not watching the clock, wishing it would move faster.  I'm usually hoping it will slow down a bit.  I am really happy that I work this shift versus doing overnights, because the one week where I did overnights, I had the hardest time sleeping.  I think I would have been a mess if I kept that up.

Moving on! :)

Mike's parents did a great job in their play Friday night.  The play was what it looked like behind the scenes of an old time radio show.  So you saw how they did certain sound effects, and how certain people did multiple parts on the show.  We really enjoyed it, and my in-laws did a really great job in their roles.  I wasn't sure what to expect at first, but figured we were going to support Mike's parents.  But I am glad we went, because it was a pretty fun show to watch.  I would happily go see them again if they do another show.



Breaking Bad is only one episode away from being over forever.  I am so sad about this.  We have been watching the last season with my friend and her husband, and we have all been in complete disbelief after each episode.  My boss and a couple of other friends are all in disbelief and don't know what to expect next week when the last episode plays.  There is just no way it ends now in a good way where everyone we want to stay alive is alive or stays out of jail.  We will be delayed in watching it because I am working next weekend, so it's gonna suck sooooo bad to have to wait a whole week to watch the finale.

Anxiety is also a lot better.  I haven't taken a Xanax for a whole week now.  I am feeling like the new medication is definitely helping.  Not that I don't still have anxiety, I do, but I feel like I am able to manage it a lot better without having to medicate myself with a Xanax.  This makes me happy.  The anxiety I do have usually motivates me to just get up and do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing, cuz usually my anxiety is present when I'm being lazy.  So, the bed that is unmade gets made, and my dishes get put in the sink, and then I feel better.  Not too bad.  :)

I also learned I am in love with Panera's Broccoli Cheddar soup.  I tried their chicken noodle soup once, and didn't like it, so I wrote off all of their soups. (That's just the picky eater in me) But I made Mike order it when we went there on Friday before the play so I could try it, and I was in love.  I was in full out puffy heart love.  I took over the soup from him and gave him my salad.  And we had it Saturday and Sunday for lunch.  And I want to convince him to go get more soup with me today when we gets home from his half-day of overtime and I get home from my session.  I looooooove that soup. :)

I am also loving the weather right now.  It is bright and sunny outside, but its totally cool enough to rock out my cardigans.  I love my cardigans so much.  We've been taking a lot more walks now that its not so humid out.  Walking to go get a coffee at Starbucks or soup at Panera or frozen yogurt at Yogurtland.  It is a really nice walk to take, and I am happy those things are close enough for us to walk to, but long enough of a walk to count it as exercise. :)  Plus, we have some really good talks when we go walking.  If there is something bothering one of us, or a problem we are trying to work out how to handle it, we always seem to be able to do that on our walks.

I also really love Jenna Marbles and this video. :)

Yay for Friday

I'm so happy my work day is over!  This is the last Friday where I get to enjoy being done after 5 hours, because I'm going to be working 2 shifts from now on.  It is a good thing, more hours, more money, but every other Friday is going to be really long for me now.  Mike and I had a hard time getting moving today because its just so gloomy outside, we just wanted to keep cuddling and go back to sleep.  But we were responsible adults and got our butts moving.  Work today went smoothly, for once, I was waiting on my residents to wake up instead of them waiting on me.  It is always a good day when nothing happens on your shift.  The same thing happened Wednesday night, too.  Of course, that always seem to ensure the next shift I work will be the exact opposite.  Oh well. :)

Today, I just plan on going and getting a mani/pedi and then relaxing a bit before my darling husband comes home.  We are gonna catch a bite to eat and then go see his parents in the play they are a part of. I have girls' night on Saturday, and we are having friends over on Sunday to catch up on the latest Breaking Bad episodes.  It is crazy that this how is going to be over after next week.  We won't watch it until the week after it airs, so I may have to stay off the internet for that week to avoid having anyone spoil the ending for me.  DVR and Tivo have been around long enough to warrant from ground rules on posting about TV shows online, in my opinion, people.

I am kind of glad I am not working in a hospital right now because it seems left and right you hear about hospitals cutting jobs to prepare for Obamacare.  I will admit to being completely ignorant about what is actually going to happen when it all goes into effect, but it just seems that everyone having insurance in some form has to be better than the current situation of hospitals providing care without being reimbursed.  I don't expect there to be any effect at my workplace, but you never know.  I do feel more secure being in an assisted living facility over a hospital right now.  I can say that for sure.

It is really challenging right now to skip the mani/pedi and just take a really long nap.   *sigh* I feel so exhausted when its all gloomy like this, and coffee usually doesn't do much to ward off the sleep monster for me.  But if I don't go now, I won't have time the rest of the weekend.  I'll get myself moving.  :)

Sometimes I'm Just a Bitch

Sometimes the person has it coming to them.  If you are late because you didn't allow enough time for someone to answer the door because our facility is completely locked down after 9pm, you do not get to cop an attitude with me.  It is not my problem, not my circus, not my monkeys.  No one is purposely not answering the door the instant you arrive just to mess with you, they are busy.  Residents come first, door comes second.  And instead of greeting me, you start out berating me for not answering my cell phone that is supposed to be turned off and in my purse per corporate policy, you don't win any points with me, dear special one.  You get no sympathy from me, given that the other overnight nurse is NEVER late.  So, you should really save the drama for someone who cares.  And you try biting my head off for YOUR problem, you get bitchy nurse, not the sweet, helpful nurse that I have always tried to be to you.

Ugh.  I didn't even feel bad on my way home after that encounter.  Some people need to learn to be humble.  I am grossly aware of all that I still need to learn, I have more confidence now than I did 6 months ago, but I'm not stupid to think I know it all.  Nurses will never be done learning.  There is something new to learn every single day.  And given the state of the job market for new graduate nurses, you need to watch yourself very carefully.  You lose your first nursing job because of something stupid, you've seriously harmed your ability to get another job.  That was why I was so terrified the first 3-4 months, because I had this completely overwhelming fear of making a mistake and getting fired.  I have cooled my jets a bit on that front, but I still dread learning I've made a mistake.  But I would rather know I made one so I can learn from it.

Saturday was a rough shift for me, sending someone out sucks my time away from me, but that person coming back the same night right after another resident came back after an extended hospital stay unexpectedly with no orders sent over before hand is far, far worse.  I was at work until midnight doing all the charting and paperwork and order transcription and ordering of the new medications, and notifying of the doctors, etc.  But I got it all done, and didn't make any mistakes that I know of.  It was exactly the price I had to pay for taking Sunday off.

It was really weird for me not going to work on Sunday.  I am so used to working my three days in a row, that it just felt so unnatural.  I kept expecting to get a call that I needed to come in, or even when we left the party, I was like "its 7 p.m., I can go and take over the rest of the night".  Its probably because I don't really trust the nurse who was covering for me.  I was still able to enjoy myself at the reunion party.  It was really nice to catch up with some of Mike's family that I haven't seen in a while, and got completely pooped out by his relative's daughter.  We thought we were going to tire her out for her parents, but she tired us out instead.  We came home and crashed.  We joked that we may have to take up crack to keep up once we have kids of our own.  It was fun to entertain her, but it definitely made me feel ok with waiting to have kids.  Anyway, so happy I was able to make this, I always have a good time at these get togethers, and reminds me that they are just as much my family as they are Mike's.  Plus, my oreo rice krispie treats were a big hit. :)

Today I have my session, and Mike is at work doing overtime cause of a huge problem at work. I may go for a walk outside and enjoy the sunshine.  I just need a down day to relax.  So that's all for now! :)

6.4

That is what I have lost since my last weigh-in.  In a dream world, I would have lost every pound I gained in 6 weeks between weigh-ins.  But this was certainly way more than I was anticipating, since weigh-ins sometimes are unpredictable.  You may know a loss is coming, but how much is the part you can never be completely sure of.  I've had weeks where I worked my butt off, and only lost a pound.  Others where I feel like I didn't do that much, and lost 3 or 4 pounds. So, I knew I would lose at least 2 or 3 pounds this week, hoped for 4 or 5, but what I got was 6.4.  Another 2.4 pounds and I will have undone the last 6 weeks of enjoying summer too much.  :)

I just tracked every day pretty much, did at least 30 minutes of activity 5 days out of the week, which included 2 run/walk days at the gym, 60 mins of Zumba class at the gym, and 2 3-4 mile walks.  Plus all the activity I get in at work being on my feet all night.  I ate all of the fruit I bought last week, if I got Starbucks, I got a tall skinny vanilla latte which is only 2 points.  And Nature Valley's granola thins are a perfect replacement to all those chocolates at work.  I still had some cheat moments (or cheat days when you look at my Sunday last week) like nutella on a chocolate chip waffle (amazing) and nutella on my cheesecake frozen yogurt and strawberries (amazing too).  But I did really well this week, so I'm happy I got things moving again on the weightloss front! :)

I have been having a pretty rough week this week anxiety wise.  My doctor started me on a new medication that I hoped would even out my anxiety without having to take my xanax as often, and this week I have felt like I was going insane from anxiety.  I have been desperate to get rid of that feeling, more so than I think I have ever in the past.  But today has been ok so far, so I am thinking it was temporary.  I have been fortunate so far to not have any other major side effects.  I really want to be able to get out of my anxiety episodes without needing to take a xanax and risk being drowsy the rest of the day.  So we will see.  Tonight is work, so that will be a good test for me, as the anticipation of what my shift will be like (or ends up being like) usually results in a good amount of anxiety for me.

I must have gotten a spider bite Thursday or Friday.  I have this spot with 2 little spots that look exactly like all the pictures of spider bites I have seen.  Mike is a bit worried, especially because my sister's boyfriend ended up in the hospital from a bad spider bite.  But I doubt this is the same kind of spider bite.  I need to see something else develop than induration the size of half a pea and redness the size of a quarter.  I do have some warmth at the site which is weird to me, but I'm watching it, and will get myself to the appropriate medical professional if I feel it becomes necessary.  I'm just trying my best to not scratch it, that's all I can really do.  I can't afford to take a Benadryl, because that knocks me out, and I can't really do much good for my residents if I'm passed out on a couch somewhere.

So, right now, I'm gonna try to take a nap since I woke up far earlier than I really wanted to today.  Damn hubby, always making sure I get up when I am supposed to.  ;)

Ditka Dash

Oh my goodness, I am so incredibly, irrationally excited to do this 5k.  A girl who graduated a semester before me posted this on Facebook, and I checked it out, and was immediately on board to do this.  Sure, wearing a mustache and aviators is not my usual look, but it just sounds like such fun.  I just got confirmation that Mike was able to get the day off, so we can actually do this!!  So, definitely gonna be doing 3 5Ks this year instead of the one I was aiming for.  I feel really good about this!

I have been good tracking wise since Saturday, except for Sunday.  Sunday was just not possible to be good.  My friend's baby shower was at Cooper's Hawk, and they filled our Sangria glasses again and again like they do with water, and the food was just amazing.  Crispy onion thingys? Not so bad as I thought they would be.  I stuffed myself so bad, and then came home and stuffed some more because we made pulled pork sandwiches and my friend brought over this amazing onion dip she makes.  Sunday was bad in the most delicious, satisfying way.

I did get back on track on Monday, and even talked myself out of snacking on the chocolate in the nursing office, and instead of stopping for Wendy's to treat my post shift hunger that seems to come no matter what I do, I ate my orange on the way home that I wasn't able to get to on my dinner break.  Sure, I had plans to go to the gym this morning, but I had a really rough day yesterday anxiety-wise, plus a pretty hellish shift (nothing major, just a million annoying phone calls), I needed some down time this morning.  but I am going to Zumba tonight, so its alright. :)

I am excited for Mom and Dad-in-laws' reunion this weekend.  I was pretty sad at first when I realized it was on my weekend to work, knowing how little my chances were of getting the day off.  But luckily, one of the overnight nurses is pretty hungry to pick up extra shifts, and she wanted to take it.  I personally wouldn't have done it if I was her because of how difficult my shift is to pick up without having a decent orientation, but if my boss was gonna allow it, I'll happily give it to her.  It just would have sucked to miss it because they don't do it every year, and I'm happy to see some of Mike's family that we haven't seen in a while.  Plus, I get to make something to bring, and I have to come up with amazing ideas. :)

I also got inspired at my friend's baby shower to start crocheting again.  I was trying to find a navy and white throw blanket, but haven't found any I liked that weren't ridiculously expensive.  So, I started a chevron pattern I found, and so far so good.  Getting started is the hardest part, because you have to make sure you are meticulous with your counting, or else you have to start all over.  But then its easy.  Then you have to keep motivated to not stuff it in the back of a closet somewhere like I did with the last project I started.  I am excited to try a new pattern and see how it turns out!

8.8

That's how much I have gained back during my Weight Watchers hiatus.  I have definitely been enjoying my summer a bit too much!  It was not easy getting myself to go and get weighed in today, but I knew it was what it was going to take to jump start  things back up.  Plus, today was the last day I was gonna be able to cash in an offer for a free cook book for coming back.  The leader of the meetings I usually go to was the one to weigh me in, which set the stage for extra-shame, but he was really awesome about it.  If he can't make gaining nearly 9 pounds sound positive, then no one can.

Today has been pretty good, I have tracked everything.  I went to the gym.  I even got a drink at Starbucks that was only 2 points, and liked it.  I only had one serving of sausage gravy tonight for dinner (which is super hard for me given it is one of my favorite Southern things I make).  Tomorrow presents a challenge because I have a baby shower for a friend at Cooper's Hawk, and then we are having friends over to get caught up on Breaking Bad, and I'm making pulled pork sandwiches.  But dessert will be somewhat healthy, angel food cake with strawberries and Nutella. :)  Gosh, I do love Nutella.  But, as long as I go to the gym in the morning, I will feel less guilty.

I didn't make it to Zumba this week for a couple of reasons, but I am definitely going this week.  I am looking forward to it.  I HAVE to get back on track with my running, as well.  Our Hot Chocolate 5k is less than 2 months away, and we are considering signing up for another at the end of November.  Who would have thought when I said for one of my goals this year that I wanted to run a 5k, I'd end up doing 3.

Work has been going well.  I am starting to feel less anxious.  I still have shifts where everything is going to hell, but they are usually due to things completely out of my control.  I have been able to handle those things pretty well, but the stress level has not been fun.  Everything gets done, all meds are given, all things are charted, all meds get ordered.  It all eventually gets done.  I do have a hard time dealing with some of the more difficult residents, but I'm not alone in this either.  So, seven months in so far, and it is amazing the difference in how I feel now versus how I felt the first night I had to work the 3-11 shift myself versus just shadowing.  I am far more confident than I was, and I am starting to assert myself a bit more to keep situations/residents/families/etc. from sucking my time away from me.  I am getting more and more comfortable with this little ol' title of mine, Nurse. :)

I think now I am going to do some quality control for the strawberries and Nutella. ;)  Make sure they are the finest quality Mariano's has to offer. lol

I LOVE Zumba!!

I had such a fun, sweaty time at my first Zumba class the other night.  Loved it.  Absolutely loved it.  I'll admit, my mind was going 100 miles an hour while I was waiting for the class to start.  It went something like this:

"Oh, no, I'm the only one who doesn't speak spanish, this is no bueno"
"Where is the instructor, he's late, this is not cool"
"Really?  Why does there have to be windows, and why did I plant myself in front of one? Now when the people using the weights look in, my big ass is the first one they will see."
"I bet all these other girls are gonna be amazing at this, and laughing at the rhythmless white girl in the back in spanish"
"Seriously, where is the instructor??  Class was supposed to start 10 minutes ago"
"I already hate the mirrors in here, I look so big....this is a cruel punishment to put mirrors AND windows"
"Maybe this isn't the right class for me, if the instructor is already 15 minutes late, and I'm the only one who doesn't speak Spanish, maybe I should have gone with the granny Zumba class....I would definitely out dance them!"
"Was the class cancelled and no one told us?"
"If he's not here by 6:15, I'm leaving"
"Oh shit, he's here.....oh man, lets try not to suck"
"Oh yay, I can do this!! And the girls in front of me keep messing up big time!!!!  And more non-spanish-speaking people came in!! yay!!"

A lot of it was easy, but there were ones I had trouble with, but I'll get better.  It was intense, though. A song would end and I'd start wiping the sweat from my face and the next song was already starting before I could get a drink of water.  You don't get much down time.  Luckily, each time I felt like I was going to completely lose my breath, he slowed down the pace a bit.  I'm really looking forward to going on a weekly basis.  It was a lot of fun, and part of me is really happy because I am sort of getting to live out my childhood dream of being in dance class.  I wanted to be in dance so so so so bad, but never got to, I was put in Girl Scouts instead.  So this is definitely my new thing. :)

I decided against weighing in this week, bloating from it being that time of the month PLUS us making our own versions of Toasty Cheese again last night just isn't fair.  I don't mind so much showing a gain, but lets give it another week, lol