I work with the elderly. This population of people have lost so much, loved ones, good health, independence. So depression is something that certainly isn't unexpected. It is really hard to face those losses, and the fact that your life is in its final phase. I won't pretend to know how it feels, for I can only imagine, but the thought of being one bad fall away from death is one I can imagine to be especially painful to bear.
Some handle it better than others. Some throw themselves into activities as much as they can, or find other people they can do hobbies with, playing cards or working on puzzles. Or entertain themselves by reading as many books as they can. Or they surround themselves with pictures of their families and cherish the time they do get to spend with them. Or they people watch while sitting outside basking in the sun. These are all great ways to enjoy life, despite being in what could be your final days.
But what about those who can't find joy in any of these things? What do they do? Unfortunately, I think its possible they just sit and wish they weren't such a burden, think about all the regrets they have have, the independence they've lost and are not likely ever to reclaim. And sadly, some may wish death to come to them sooner than later. My heart truly breaks at the idea of any of them wishing to take their own life. I wish I had the ability to make them see the positives in their lives, instead of the negatives, but I feel it is so ironic that I think this way for them, despite how difficult that has been for myself.
I find it so truly ironic. Me, the one who is the queen of "What ifs" and jumping to the worst possible assumption I can. The girl who had a hard time being proud of myself for finishing nursing school because I was sure I was this hated, horrible person who didn't deserve to be celebrated. The girl who didn't think anyone in her life (besides my husband) cared about her feelings. The girl who never feels she is good enough, assumes rejection will come so I either wall myself off or somehow make the rejection happen so I no longer have to worry about when it will happen. Here I am, trying to talk my residents into being more positive.
What the fluff?
How can I lead those with anxiety and depression into a more positive way of thinking when I struggle with that myself? How do I know what to say to my residents, yet can't say it to myself? How have I been a source of comfort to them, but can't be that to myself? I have to say, I was really surprised my therapeutic communication skills came out of me so much better than they ever did in my psych clinicals. I was called "Saint Erica" by one of my resident's family members, and I was actually embarrassed they showered me with so much praise for how I cared for their loved one. I don't do what I do for praise, nor do I really ever expect any acknowledgement. It is just something that feels good in my heart. That feeling that I've helped others, that's why I am a nurse.
But maybe my own struggles are the things that help me know what to say. Even if I have a hard time challenging myself when I am thinking negatively, at least it gives me some insight to how the negative thought process works.
Anyway, I don't feel I am a perfect nurse, that is something I don't think anyone can truly achieve. We all can do things better, improve, learn, and admit our mistakes. But I have felt so much like a nurse this week, like truly, truly....TRULY felt like a nurse. I'm still learning, but I've identified problems, contacted MD, got orders, put the orders into action, and watched healing happen. My gut instincts have not proven me wrong at all this week. I am beginning to feel more comfortable in this role. I am a nurse. I am doing what I set out to do so so long ago (9 years ago was when I had decided I wanted to be a nurse instead of a psychologist). It may have taken me a long time to get to this point in my life, but I am so thankful to be here. And I am working on making myself feel good about that, rather then feeling regret over all the obstacles that stood in my way that made it take this long.
No comments:
Post a Comment