I Passed!!!

As official it gets for now!!! I am so relieved, and I am so thankful to have had so many supporting me as I went through this!! My husband, most importantly, for dealing with my crazy panic attacks, and my in-laws for helping us make this possible! And my parents, of course, for giving me my brain!

I am a nurse!!!!

Pearson Vue Trick

So.

I took my boards today.

I had about 20 days to study, and I put in an effort to study for about 4 days.  I did not study ever disease process, or every medication there is, or obsess over my notes from the last two years.  I did about 800 practice questions.  I did a little bit of reviewing here and there.  But that was the extent of my prep.  I wanted to reschedule soooo bad.  I just couldn't shake this feeling that I was screwing myself over by not studying more.  I should have been takng this more seriously.  $400 is no laughing matter, and having to pay even half of that again if I had to retake the exam was making me cringe.   But, I didn't reschedule.  I had some reassurance from a friend that my scores on my practice exams meant I was ready.

I had dreams that I had already taken it and had forgotten.  Then I had a dream that I didn't print my Authorization to Test, and missed my test time because I was trying to find a printer that worked.  I took a few days off of work so I could study and then relax prior to the big test time.  My husband and I went to breakfast this morning so I had some brain food.  I got really anxious as I was preparing to leave.  Again, some reassurance from Mike and my friend S. helped calm my nerves, plus some help from my friend Mr. Xanax.

It wasn't quite what I was expecting when I got there.  I thought there would be a bunch of us waiting, and that we would start the test all at the same time.  But no, you get a number, some some rules, get your fingerprints and palms scanned and then they take you in.

The test itself wasn't completely awful.  I had a ton of Select All That Apply.  But I felt the same way as I did when I took my HESI, I may have had no clue at all about what medication or condition they were questioning me on, but I did my best and otherwise just simply guessed if I had to.  I got cut off at 75 questions, and I was relieved that it was over.  One of my friends from school got there right after me, and we were talking before, and I was just resolved that if I fail, I fail.  So, I wasn't freaking out that I failed, I just wanted the pain of having this hanging over my head to be over.  So as soon as I got to my car, I tried to reschedule another test date.  I was freaking out because it was asking me all the same questions as I it did when I first registered, and the next screen was going to ask me for my credit card info.  But then I got a sweet little pop up telling me I couldn't schedule another test date at this time.

I have to find a single post online or talk to a single person who got this pop up and failed.  So, of course, I have barred hubby from saying anything on Facebook, and I'm not openly advertising my pop up, but I have shared with some key people in my life.  I will get the unofficial quick results on Friday, and after that I will officially feel relieved and feel comfortable talking about it.  But otherwise, I cried the whole way home, and cried in my hubby's arms as I processed this information.  This has been 3 years of my life, from my CNA class, pre-requisites, nursing classes, clinicals.  3 years of doing nothing but studying, and being under constant stress and pressure.  3 years of this, and this one super expensive test determines whether I can put any of it to use or not, and I have seemingly passed it.  It took me about an hour to get out of sob mode.  There just aren't any words that can fully describe this feeling.

So, now I can focus on life again.  Hubby's birthday is this weekend, we move into our new place in less than 2 weeks now.  I can read a book that doesn't involve bowel patterns and electrolytes.  I will resume my job search after we move and get settled in.  But I feel more confident now in looking for jobs because my license will be on its way soon!

Life certainly is never perfect, but it feels pretty good at this moment.

Scheduled to Test!

I have never in my life gotten nauseous so instantaneously.  I got my ATT (Authorizaton to Test) today.  So, I went to see what dates were available, and June 27 (20 days to study), July 11 (more study time, but the day we were going to start moving into our new apartment), or Late July (TONS of time to study, but super far away and I want to get it over with).  One of my friends from school convinced to take the June 27th day, and I am freaking out. I just can't explain how truly terrifying it is to take a test that costs almost $400 and is the one thing left to do so that I am an official, legal and licensed RN.  I just don't want to mess it up, and I'm scared to death of failing.

So, for the next 20 days, I will be working, eating, sleeping, and studying.  Nothing else!

Aside from this development, we just got back from Nashville!  We had a really good time visiting with my family.  We ate lots of good food, like enough Waffle House to last us for a while.  The weather was absolutely perfect the whole time.  Our sleeping got off of track because we were up with my family til midnight pretty much every night.  But luckily I was able to sleep in today since I am working 3-11 at the hospital.  I was happy that Mike got to spend time bonding with my dad while working on his boat.  There were some stressful spots, but for the most part, we had a great time and it made me miss Nashville alot!

Job Search Underway

I have the OK from my references, and finally bit the bullet and completed my application for a few jobs.  I will go full-steam ahead once we get back from Nashville.  Hopefully by the time I come back, I will be able to schedule for my NCLEX and feel the pressure to start studying.  I hate job applications, they take SOOOOOOO long to fill out. 

Now its time to sleep, then breakfast, last minute errands and packing to do tomorrow!

Let the disappointment begin....

I got my first rejection from my own hospital. :(

It is something I knew would happen, census has been low, and they laid off 100 employees a couple of months ago.  So it is far from shocking that I would not be getting a nurse resident program spot, especially considering my unit is dependent upon elective surgeries.  I just had a small little beam of hope that was hanging on, waiting on the e-mails back and forth between the nurse recruiter and myself until the final decision was made this week about how many positions they could offer.  The units that are able to commit to a nurse resident already have new graduates working on their floor as PCTs.  So, at least I know where I stand, and won't feel guilty as I apply to other hospitals. 

It is a scary thing to begin this job search, as I have mentioned before.  It is a safety thing.  I feel safe in my role now, and I'm shoving that safety out there door once I take on my first position as a nurse.  I no longer have that safety net of being a student, something goes wrong, it will be on my license (once I have one, of course!).  I mean, someone could sue me.....how freaking scary is that to think about?  I actually need to buy malpractice insurance soon.  It's just a whole new level of employment concerns, lol.

I have been working like a mad woman lately between the two jobs, but I was able to squeeze in some time with my hubs, and we got to grill out for my in-laws, and have yummy cake for my FIL's birthday.  We had to skip the Memorial Day stuff, because I was just exhausted, but it was ok.  And we fly down to Nashville to see my family, and have lots of yummy Southern food.  But once we come back, its onto packing up and studying for my boards!  Which I got finger-printed yesterday, and I just have to mail my receipt in, and then wait for my letter that OKs me to test! I'm scared, because I feel like the last two years of school has completely left my brain. And I don't want to pay all this money again to retest!

But TODAY my friends, is my 4th year anniversary with my husband.  We aren't doing anything too big because of all that we have going on in our life between our trip, the move, work, and job search stuff.  But I am excited to have a night out with him, have some yummy food, and celebrate 4 years of happiness!  When I was 17, he came into my life as a friend that turned into my rock.  And when we finally met in person 8 years ago, something in me knew he was the one for me.  Sure, we have had our ups and downs, but he has never stopped making me laugh every day, and he makes me smile even when we aren't together.

We have grown together, supporting each other in all of life's trials and triumphs.  He has been an amazing friend and husband to me, and I only hope to spend the rest of my life returning the favor.

I am a new graduate NURSE!

Still waiting on the whole NCLEX/License thing, but I'm no longer a student nurse!  My classmates and I graduated last Sunday.  It was insanely humid and miserable sitting outside, we were beyond being the polite and classy ladies that we are and were fanning our hoo-haas and were cursing the speakers when they were taking for-EVER, but we graduated.  It is still so hard to believe that I am done.

The next step for me is taking my NCLEX to be made legal, and job applications.  I am sooooo scared about the job application part.  If I were searching for another receptionist/office position, that would be easy, because I know how to sell myself because I am confident in my skills and qualifications in that area.  I have no clue how to sell myself as hire-worthy as a newly minted nurse who barely knows anything and still needs training as I transition into practicing as a nurse on my own.  I don't want to over-sell myself, but I don't want to undersell myself either. 

Either way, chances are that my hospital will not be hiring any new graduate nurses this go-round, which is upsetting because I put in a year at a hospital I had no chance of being hired at, when my position was specifically open only for nursing students.  Luckily, I still have my dental office to use as steady income til I have a nursing position with a boss who is completely understanding of my situation and has done so much to help me with my journey.  No matter how frustrated I get with some of the office politics, I will feel extremely sad the day I have to leave this office.

In other news, Mike and I are moving in the middle of July into our new home!









I am completely excited about our new apartment!  We will be on the 3rd floor, so less noise to worry about, and only one other apartment on our floor, which is nice.  It's weird that we have 2 entrances to our apartment, but I'm sure we'll end up only using one for the most part.  But that is nice in the event that my other boyfriend needs to sneak out quickly....haha j/k :)  We have a fireplace, a washer and dryer, two bedrooms and two baths, lots of windows (which is a huge increase from our ONE window in our last apartment).  It's also upgraded, so the cabinets are nice, the doors are six paneled, nice counter tops.  The only thing that could make it better is it had a garage and driveway!

It's funny because when we went to look at the models, I expressly told Mike not to act super in love with ANYTHING, and to not act like we were already decided.  Yet as soon as I saw the new cabinets model versus the old cabinets, I was done. OH, and the closets in the smaller floor plan was just NOT going to work.  The rent was a little more than what we were aiming for, but when we walked into the upgraded Ashley floor plan, it just felt like home to me.  We will definitely need to grow into it, as we  really only have enough furniture for a one bedroom apartment, but that is just fine with me as we had too much stuff for our last apartment and everything felt cramped.

And I LOOOOVVE the french doors that open up to the patio! And all of the storage space we will have! And Mike is excited for the flat screen TV we will be getting to made the living room lay out work for us.

We are going to try to move as much of it ourselves, but we are likely hiring movers for our furniture because getting our couches into this room sucked.  I am also trying to get ideas for decorating, too.  Our kitchen will need LOTS of stuff, like curtains, a baker rack or bar/buffet table.  Our old kitchen was so small the extent of the decorating was 3 little wall accents pieces we got as wedding presents.  So I definitely have WAY more space to play with, and have no idea what I want to do. We can even paint if we want to.  Luckily the dining table we bought when we first moved in together matches the cabinets from what I remember of it, lol. Hard to remember because I haven't seen it in 2 years.

A bit overwhelmed with all that is going on, but I feel so happy.  We leave next Saturday to go see my family in Nashville.  It's been way too long because of school and work, so it will be great to see them, and go to some of my favorite places like Centennial Park. :)  Just 5 work days to get through!

Stick a fork in me, cuz I am DONE!!

2 years ago, I was planning our vacation to Vegas.  I was really excited about this trip, and wanted to do Vegas right because I knew the next 2 years would be rough on Mike and I.  I got teary eyed two years ago as I saw my school setting up for graduation, because I knew I was on my way to that being set up for my graduation just two short years away.  I panicked about stupid things like having internet and "What if I have to share a bathroom with my in-laws, and I accidentally expose myself or something?". 

It is hard for me to believe that I am no longer a student.  I have no more assignments to turn in, no more clinicals to get through.  No more clinical evaluations, or holistic assessments, or simulations to freak out about.  No more books to buy.  Only one more exam to freak out about.

I somehow never believed I would be at this point in my life.  When I got discouraged about school, I tried really hard to be content with my life as a receptionist (and I'm damn good at it, too!), but it never mattered, I always hated that I never finished school.  So, while this is a super important event because I am one step closer to being in the career that I want, the most important thing to me is that I am finally completeing this thing that has been eating away at me for the last 10 years since I finished high school.  In 13 days, I will officially be a college graduate.  I have an education,  I will have those sweet letters behind my name....R.N.

The last two years have not been easy in any aspect.  I have had drama just about everything where I turned.  The stress of not being able to study because I was stressed about family issues made everything in my life worse.  My tolerance and patience was in short supply.  Friends were made and lost.  I saw classmates fall behind, and felt guilty about not being there with them.  No one understands the burden nursing school places on you, and as a result, family relationships have suffered....and this is extremely painful for me.

I feel the most guilt over how much time has been lost with my husband.  He has been my rock, and truly supporting me when no one else seemed to care.  No matter how stupid or petty the situation that was trigging my anxiety was, he always tried to make me feel better.  He truly spoiled me in so many ways, that I probably will never be able to repay him.  I am happy that now I can return to the working world, he and I can get our place again and be the married couple that we are with some privacy.  It feels almost like when we first moved in together, and getting excited about nesting again.

I am however, most grateful for the many years I hope to have getting to take care of patients.  All poop, blood, urine, and vomit aside.......when you know a patient truly appreciates how you take care of them, there is nothing else in the world that is better than that.  I may be a bit of an introvert, but feeling a connection with my patients is extremely rewarding, and it makes the poop and blood not seem so bad.

So, now that this big stress is over, I have nothing but good things to look forward to.  Graduation is in 13 days.  Our 4th anniversary is in 24 days, and we leave for Nashville a couple of days after that to see my family.  Then its NCLEX time (*frown*), and moving into our home again!  And hopefully getting my first nursing job!  I am just super excited for all of the amazing things we have been blessed with coming up!

Now, I must sleep!! :)

P.S. I still can't believe I am done!!