I really hate the last 3 weeks of the semester. It seems to bring out the worst in all of us. I have been struggling with some rough emotions the past couple of weeks, I've written a couple of posts that seemed to always get messed up somehow before they were actually posted. I think that was a good thing.
I am not going to get into specifics. But I am disappointed in a lot of my fellow classmates. I respect anyone's will to not like a teacher, to feel like the class is too hard, or be scared at the idea of not passing. It's totally ok if our personalities don't mesh well, or if we disagree with each other. But the extent that people have taken things this last 8 weeks is sickening to me. Are we bashing other people to make ourselves feel better? Are we disregarding the hardwork of our peers simply because WE didn't get the grades that we wanted, so no one else must have deserved their grades if they did better? Must we say that people are getting special treatment or just freaks of nature, and that must be the explanation for their success? Do we have to try to get the teacher in trouble, because she must not be grading fairly if we didn't get the grade we felt we should have?
I will not speak for anyone but myself. I read the material, most of the time twice. I did the case studies, I did the study guide work, I did the online practice exams. I could have probably done a lot more work than I did, and I am positive that there were people who did 2 or 3 times the amount of studying that I did. But the one thing that is different about all of us is how our brain works. Application of the material is mostly what they are testing us on. And we are not all going to apply the material in the same way. This is why I believe there are so many people who have dropped the class or who are going/maybe going to fail the course. Not because they didn't study, but because they are wanting us to think in a certain way, and that is not easy to train your brain into a new way of thinking. It will just take more time for some of us, and there is nothing wrong with that.
What is important is that we don't give up. We need to support and celebrate each other in our journey. We are the only ones who will even remotely understand what each of us is going through, and struggling with in this program. Yet, we are trying to tear down our classmates, and downplay the hardwork they have put in. And why? Because maybe they were successful, and we were not? Is that what makes you feel better? If so, I sincerely hope you recognize this, and find a way to fix whatever it is inside of you that makes you feel this way.
I feel hurt right now, and that's ok. I will not add fuel to the fire by confronting anyone. All I can do is do my best to stay positive, and continuing to push myself to be better. I believe that I have worked hard, and I have earned my grades fairly. I can't do anything about how other people behave or how they treat me, I can only control how I choose to respond. I will be happy for my classmates in their successes, and I will be sad but encouraging for those whose journey just got a little longer . I will also continue to be scared out of my mind that failure could come my way at any moment just as easily as my success has. I will be grateful for the amazing wisdom and guidance I have been fortunate enough to have experienced from my clinical instructors so far. I will remember that I am only responsible for myself, and that all this negativity means nothing because all that matters is that I know I have earned my acheivements fairly, and not needed to hurt or push others down to boost myself up.
And yes, I got an A in clinical. I had anxiety each and every clinical day. I beat myself up for my mistakes, but I took action to correct them immediately. I pushed myself to be better. I went and bought a 100 count box of subQ needles because of one nerve-wracking bubble that I couldn't get rid of in front of my instructor so that I could practice. I can't offer any explanations on why my other classmates didn't or won't receive an A or an B. All I can be concerned with is that my clinical instructor determined I had earned it. It does suck if others are told they would have gotten an A or B if the instructor were ALLOWED to give it to them, but that is not my problem. And it certainly doesn't mean that I should be guilty for getting my A. So, if I upset anyone because I felt like celebrating this one grade, I can't do anything about that. I have purposely not posted my grades this semester, and I have not talked specifically about them to anyone unless they asked. I was ecstatic on Monday when I found out, yet I was also crying tears of relief because I have been so scared of not making it through. I deserve to be celebrating, just like the rest of my classmates who have survived and those who put in a good fight but just have a lil longer journey. In the end, the A doesn't really matter, its the fact that I passed that is most important.
So, I have a Cancer Walk on Saturday, my pharmacology final on Tues, and my final head to toe assessment on Wed, and then I am officially done for the semester. I am so excited to relax, and we have some amazingly exciting things planned. I am even ok working some extra hours in my office with all the gossip-mongers that come along with it. I am just happy to be able to spend time my hubby again without feeling guilty that I should be studying!
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