I'm a Slacker!

I've been a bit preoccupied lately.  Between work, class, my body being a fucking weirdo, this blog just hasn't been a huge priority of mine.  Plus, I feel so much more confident as a nurse now, and don't want to share stuff that could be in trouble with the HIPAA police, I just feel less inclined to talk about my life as a nurse.  The only people who would find what I have to talk about interesting are other nurses, or my husband.  The majority of people don't want to hear about how the old man was digging out his own poop from his butt himself, rather than asking for a stool softener.  Or, how high school drama apparently survives even in the nursing home.  Yes, old people are catty bitches, too.  It will never end people, just get used to it.

Chemistry is almost fucking over, thank god!  I only have about a month of it left, and then I'm done!  It really hasn't been that bad, thanks to a teacher who dumbs it down for us quite a bit and explains the equations properly.  I still could really give 2 shins about it, and that affects my motivation to do the homework.  And yes, I have homework to do that I am avoiding now.

Otherwise, work is going well.  School is going well.  Trying to figure out my body? Not so well, but I'm in the safe hands of a specialist, and hope to have more answers soon.  That's all I want to say about that right now.

I have an amazing day off yesterday, up early for a doctor's appointment, but then I got a pedicure and did some shopping.  I was super amazingly productive!  We also had company over, and I learned how to make buttercream frosting from scratch that was amazing.  I made these Oreo Brownies that I found on pinterest, and they were everything I hoped they would be and then some.  Our visit with our company went well, I was worried it would get awkward.  It gives my heart some hope.  Again, that's all I want to say about it.

Right now, I'm just relaxing, and contemplating getting back to crocheting the blanket I started after a friend's baby shower.  I am just enjoying the day of doing nothing.  I'm on a medication right now that is making me dizzy in the morning, and extremely tired.  Like sleeping pill tired.  It's really weird.  So, I need this day of just doing nothing right now!

No longer a New Grad

I had my yearly review this week.  I really can't believe a year has passed since I was hired for my first nursing position.  I was so insanely terrified of how this new chapter in my life would go.  I had read so many stories on nursing message boards about first time nurses getting fired while on orientation, for seemingly no reason at all.  Or because they didn't get enough of an orientation, and then made a huge mistake.  Surviving through an entire year seemed like it was never going to happen.  I would get such awful anxiety before going in for my shifts, like HOURS of anxiety.....just because I was scared I'd walk into an awful night of being behind, or people needing to go out to the hospital.  Or of making a mistake.  Or of being scolded for a mistake I had no idea I made.

Flash forward to now, its completely different.  Yeah, I still worry about making mistakes, and honestly, I never want to lose that fear.  But it doesn't control my every waking moment like it used to.  I feel more comfortable in managing my shifts, calling doctors when I need to.  What orders to ask for when my residents start having certain symptoms.  I'm not always 100% sure of myself 100% of the time, but I'm not as terrified as I once was.  Which makes my life much better overall.

It has also been an extremely exhausting week.  I had made the mistake of thinking I could work Tuesday 3-11, then a double on Wednesday, on a regular basis.  I just can't.  And I also agreed to work Thursday 7-12 to help my boss out without thinking about the fact that I'd be working it right after the awful Tues/Wed combo, and then follow it with class and lab.  Luckily, a nurse put in her notice, so I was able to rearrange my schedule to undo the Tues/Wed double combo.  But holy heck was I tired!  8 hours of sleep in 48 hours is not a good thing.  Then I'm working 7 days in a row, and working OT.  Then I have my physical coming up, and I needed to get blood work done, and the only time I could go was after my 7-12 shift yesterday.  So I was on my feet working for 5 hours, with no coffee, no food, just water to sustain me.  I'm honestly surprised I made it through without snapping at anyone from hunger.  It really didn't help smelling the sausage and bacon they were serving the residents while I'm giving them their medications.  But, my blood work was all normal, so that makes me happy :)

In 2 weeks, I'm gonna be 30.  It's super weird in some ways, but honestly, I feel way older than 30 in a lot of ways.  I grew up pretty quickly, became independent far younger than most people have to.  My path in life has not been the easiest one, but I'm a survivor (cue Destiny's Child song lol).  My imperfect life has taught me a lot, and I am happy with the way my life has turned out.  10 years ago, I would have never thought I would be where I am today.  So, I am not afraid to be passing the 3 decades of life mark.  :)  Luckily, I was able to secure the 3 day weekend we had planned to spend together for my birthday since I have to work the 15-17th.  And no, I am not having a party.  The last time I had a party was when I turned 13 or 14.  That was the last year before everyone started coupling off, and planning dates for Valentine's Day.  I'm not a big party person at all, so I'm perfectly content in letting my hubby spoil me double time as he always done :)

Chemistry is going well so far. :)  I'm enjoying feeling like I'm learning something.  My nurse measuring skills come in very handy. :)   I'm also extremely good at getting the bunsen burner going. :)

Right now, I'm just relaxing while watching the snow fall down in big, fluffy clumps.  I'll be driving in it soon enough and cursing it, but right now its just pretty to see.

Successful So Far

I am pleased to announce that I haven't been to Wendy's at all this week.  Nor have I gone to Starbucks.  I have gone to Panera, and got a salad instead of a grilled cheese, tropical hibiscus iced tea instead of pepsi, and I DID NOT eat the bread that comes as a side.  I had enough points to enjoy half a cranberry orange muffin, but didn't eat the entire half because I realized fresh cranberries are not my thing, WAY too tart!  Diet A&W root beer has become my friend, never thought I'd see the day where I'm drinking diet soda and enjoying it.  I have refused the advances of the box of donuts in the nurses' office, and the box of pastries from Panera.  The food whoring has come to a stop.

I have not been able to get myself to the gym this week.  Blame it on cramps, stress from work, feeling sore in my back because of work, class, the fact that is is -20 with windchill right now.  It just hasn't worked out this week for me.  Which I sad about, I want to get back to running, which is so strange to WANT to work out.  But doing it makes me feel good, so, I'm thinking Saturday will be the day. :)

I found out last night another coworker put in her notice at work.  I'm pretty over this constant reworking of our schedule.  At least we just got 2 new girls hired and they are training now, so they should be ready (well, as ready as they can be) by the time the coworker's last day comes around to be on their own.  But it still leaves us with a gap to cover.  Who knows what will happen at this point, I had to request off the weekend before my birthday to be sure I still have it off because otherwise I could be forced to work.  I really hate giving up my weekends off.  Hopefully the schedule will be ready this week sometime, and I can figure out my life.  I only have 2 weekends off in February, one of them is when we planned to celebrate my birthday, my 30th at that.  I'm not giving up that weekend off.  The nature of our facility doesn't allow us to have a large nursing staff to absorb these changes in staffing, so it just sucks when we all have to give up our lives to keep it afloat.

Oh well!

I've not been the rockstar student this week, I feel behind in my classwork.  I'm writing this instead of looking over the lab material for today's lab.  Or showering to get ready in general to go to class.  That is how I plan on spending my Saturday morning, getting caught up on everything.  But the mornings after I work until 11, it is so hard to get moving, because I really enjoy sipping my coffee and just relaxing.  It is how I like to recharge. But I unfortunately do need to get my butt in motion.  Boo!!

Oh, Weight Watchers....

Please forgive me, but I've been having the naughtiest affair, and neglecting you.  With Fontina Grilled Cheese from Panera, Broccoli cheddar soup from Panera, the Sierra Turkey Sandwich from Panera, paninis from Panera and Corner Bakery, the mac n cheese from Corner Bakery, White Mochas from Starbucks, Mac n cheese from Noodles, Wendy's #1 combo, Pizza on nights we didn't feel like cooking, and loads of holiday goodies and chocolates and cookies, and I'm just ashamed at how long this list is.  Please forgive me, Weight Watchers, I've been kind of a food whore lately.

It started with the craziness that happened at work when we lost a few of our nursing staff, then the holidays hit, then we got sick.  It is totally full of excuses.  The last 3 months has been a load of excuse after excuse.  It is hard to keep going when you have a ton of stress and constant business.  It's really hard to resist the urge to stuff a bunch of chocolate in your mouth really quick when you feel like you are about to die towards the end of your 7am to 11 pm day, and all of your residents are getting sick, or tons of orders are coming in, or their BS coworker drama infiltrating your happiness.  Someone is ALWAYS bringing us something.  Home health or hospice agencies who want us to keep giving them our referrals.  Sometimes it is a god send when you weren't able to take your lunch, sometimes its just an evil temptation that is burning the back of your head when you try to turn the other way to do your charting.

But I stepped on the scale today, and I definitely gained more weight back than I had anticipated.  So, I'm back on the bandwagon.  I did switch from going into meetings to be weighed to just doing it online.  My schedule is so weird sometimes, that I don't want to have that excuse for being bad ("Oh, I can't go to my set weigh in meeting, so I guess I can be bad today and just make it up before the next meeting!")  I can always change back if I find it isn't working for me.  But I bought a WW scale, so I feel more confident in its figures than our Wii Fit.

My work pants have also been snug, and it drives me nuts.  Another reason to get back on the band wagon.  I actually ordered some new work pants from Gap that are the same size as the ones I have now, but given my history with Gap clothes, they probably won't fit just yet.  Which is what I intended.  I want something short term to motivate me.  And cute work pants would be just the ticket.

In other news, I successfully managed to not drop my chemistry class before it even started this time!  I even made it to both lectures and the lab session this week.  I actually could tell I was learning stuff already!  I don't think it will be as bad as I fear it will be.  It is realllllllly weird going to Harper and not taking a nursing program course.  But good news, I was not late to class this week!  Progress, people....I'm making it.

I'm also realllllllly, reallllly, ridiculously excited about going to this painting class with some friends tomorrow before before work.  You can bring your own booze to make mimosas (or just drink OJ), and they walk you through a painting.  I've been dying to go to one since I learned about these places that do this.  So that is going to be fun :)

Today, I am working.  Yet, I'm looking out the window and seeing all this beautiful fluffy snow falling outside, and I just want to stay under my blanket and sip my coffee, and not move from my cozy lil spot all day, but I'll be an adult and go to work. :)

Sick

We're a couple of sick mofos over here.  Da hubs got sick on Sunday, and I was nursing him while I was at work, asking about his symptoms, his fever, telling him what to take and when.  His fever wasn't really responding to Tylenol, so I had him take ibuprofen, which was effective in bringing his temp down finally.  I still made him go to the doctor on Monday, because he was coughing horribly, and his temp just kept coming back.  I'd like to point out I didn't just brush off his symptoms and tell him to suck it up. :)  Of course, Tuesday night, I started having the same symptoms Tuesday night.  And sure enough Wednesday morning it was full blown.  I had to call out of work, and I felt incredibly guilty doing so.  I knew it meant someone else would have to give up a day off or work a double, and I hate doing that to someone.  Normally, I just suck it up the best that I can, but this was not possible this time.   Especially with a fever, I'd feel terrible if my residents came down with this.  I just sleep and take mucinex and hope for the best, they would require chest x-rays and tylenol and cough syrup and possibly antibiotics.  Plus, with my voice practically non-existent, half of them wouldn't even be able to hear me.  Luckily, I have today off, and I hope I can rest up enough to be ok for tomorrow.  I don't have much choice, since I'm working a double. :(

I am also ready for my Chemistry class.  I bought the book for my iPad, which I can't return due to the format, so this class is happening whether I like it or not.  I keep trying to remind myself it is only 5 months of my life, 2 days a week.  I can handle it.  But I just hate chemistry soooooooooooo much.  After this, I can start applying to BSN programs, and do everything online, on my own time.  It won't be such a pain on my schedule.  

Otherwise, it has been too much work and sickness around here for too much excitement to have occurred.  Just trying to baby my voice so I don't lose it completely.  So, that's all for now.

Nice to See You, 2014!!

I finally have a day off today, and I need it sooooo much!  The last several days have been pretty busy. I haven't had a day to relax and do nothing for.....crap, I don't even remember now.  I have worked a lot of doubles this week, and they take such a toll on me.  My coworkers may have been mad at me for a little bit for not working for them (they got over it once they realized how much I was working, AND I had gotten the nasty little stomach bug, too, and I still came to work after taking some Pepto and was fine), but I am glad I said no, because I would be dead right now.

Last night was just a day from hell.  Sick residents, I'm trying to nurse them back to health, all while I'm on the phone with the pharmacy for their huge errors at least 6 or 7 times.  How hard is it to get the correct form of Potassium.  Cl = Chloride, ER = Extended Release.  KCl 20 meQ only works for this resident if it is ER, so when you send me the form that isn't ER, we have a problem.  And then when you send me K Citrate ER, again, we have another problem.  When the correct dose that finally got entered into your system correctly at 6:30 gets to me in 2 hours, yet the antibiotic I ordered at 12:00 is still not here when I leave at 11:00pm, I'm full out enraged.  I was so angry with the pharmacy that I gave myself a headache.  I wish the people taking the phone calls from us understood the importance of them doing what they are supposed to do, within the time frame they are supposed to do it in.  But they don't, and my residents suffer as a result.

But, the days where I have sick residents, and they aren't as sick by the time I leave because of my direct actions, it makes me feel like a real nurse.  Even though I sometimes get chewed out by irate family members for things that aren't my fault (don't shoot the messenger, folks), I still love what I do.  The benefits of seeing that you have nursed someone back to health, eased their suffering, and gave them comfort......its worth all the stress and politics that come with my job.  I still feel embarrassed for some reason when my care managers tell me that my residents tell them I am their favorite nurse.  I don't do this because of the praise or pay, I really do love taking care of my residents.

So anyway, 2013 was a great year, and I actually kept a lot of my New Year's resolutions:

"So, moving forward with 2013, there are some things I need to achieve:

- Find a job as an RN so I can start to FEEL like an RN.   DID IT
- Lose weight (I have to stop starting and stopping and just DO it!) DID IT, THOUGH NOT AS MUCH AS I HOPED, BUT THIS IS STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS
- Stop being late. DID IT (WELL, I HAVE BEEN HABITUALLY EARLY TO WORK FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, I'M STILL LATE TO OTHER THINGS)
- and prepare myself for trying to start a family. DELAYED"

I was doing well on the weight loss front until work got hectic, but I will keep marching on.  I got a lot of running/work out gear for Christmas, so I am really looking forward to getting to put it on and head over to the forest preserve once its not -100 degrees outside. :)

Our NYE was really nice.  I had to work 7-12 that day right after working a double the day before, so I was pretty exhausted.  I napped until an hour before Mom and Dad-in-law came over, and quickly straightened the house up, and showered up.  We had a great time, but I crapped out after 10, I knew I was gonna have to get up earlier than usual because of the snow, and I was still tired from the last couple of days.  Luckily, Mike woke me up right before midnight so I could say goodbye, and give my honey a midnight kiss. ;)  Catch Phrase is now officially my favorite party game, Apple to Apples not so much.  I will need to be drunk, very drunk for that game to be much fun, IMO.

My New Year's resolutions for 2014 are:

1.  Continue losing weight
2.  Run a 5k straight without walking
3.  Get this freaking Chemistry class over with, and not drop it before the class even starts this time!!
4.  Stop getting Wendy's after my shifts, no matter how much I am starving....the workers know my face far too well.

It is my weekend to work this week, and I have my annual Chrismukkah with my friends.  I'm just happy to not be doing any doubles this week!! :)  But today?  This girl is gonna be lazy as fudge. :)

Leave Me Alone!!

Any free time that I have this week, someone has tried to steal it away from me.  Some people just need to suck it up and work their shifts as scheduled.  I remember very well when I was about to drop dead from exhaustion, no one was willing to help me out.  And guess what? I sucked it up and worked my shifts.  It may not have been a pleasant experience, but I got through it.  This is the first weekend off where I had both days off completely in what feels like forever.  And as strange as it may seem, I have plans made for this rare and unusual occasion.  Especially given that my next weekend off after this was taken away from me with not so much as an offer to work a shift for me in exchange.  I'm so incredibly frustrated.  I have a life, I have a husband who would like to see me and spend time with me every once in a while.  I need rest, I need time where I don't have to put aside my need to go to the bathroom for an entire shift because my residents need me.  I need sleep.  I'm sorry that you got the virus going around at work and have to work 8 hours, but I can't always put everyone else's needs before my own.

I just wish I had the ability to stop the guilt I feel for standing my ground, and not sacrificing myself and my life for the sake of work every single freaking time someone asks me to.  It's not my job to fix this problem.

*sigh*

Ok, now that I have gotten that out of my system.

Our Christmas was lovely, as usual.  Lots of good food, lots of big laughs, lots of good presents.  We even got to Face time with my family this year while opening presents Christmas Day, which was awesome.  Everyone must have been good this year. :)  My favorite gift was a retro Nurse Barbie Mike got me.  I've had my eye on it since I graduated, and finally got my hands on one of them! :)  Mike's parents also gave me a little stuffed Nurse Bear, which I adore.

I finally figured out how to get my ticket paid, and now am registered for online traffic school.  It is sooo incredibly dull, but whatever.  Less scary than having to go to traffic court, so I can suck it up.

I need to sit down and figure out my New Year's resolutions.  Unfortunately, I am working a ton the next few days, so probably won't get to it until next week sometime!! :)  I think I've done a good job o my resolutions this year, so it won't be too hard.

:)

3 Shifts Until Christmas!!

It is my weekend to work again, and I'm up bright and early.  I could sooooo productive with my morning.  But what am I doing instead?  I'm spread out on the couch, under my favorite blanket, and sipping my coffee.  I am basically just a lazy bum today.  That's ok.  I have been productive enough this week to make up for my lack of productivity today.  :)  The only thing on my to do list is figuring out how to pay my darn traffic ticket online.  I just want to pay it online and do traffic school, and be done with the whole thing.  The cop told me I could go to court, and it would likely be dropped, but the thought of going to court is just intimidating.  I'd rather just hand over my money, please.  But my ticket isn't showing up yet.  I'll call on Monday and figure out what I am doing wrong.

I am all ready for Christmas.  :)  I have my gifts wrapped, cards sent out, supplies to make my favorite Christmas goodies.  Hair done, nails done, and plenty of wine to make wine slushies! :)  Presents to my family shipped.  We had a wonderful time downtown last weekend for our annual downtown extravaganza. lol  It was so nice on Saturday when we went with Mom and Dad-in-law to see Wicked, but when we went the next day, it was freeeeezzing.  But we warmed up with hot chocolate, and warm wine and bratwursts at Christkindlmarket at Daley Plaza.  Seeing Chicago lit up with Christmas lights is my favorite way to see it.  Oh, and tea at the Drake was amazing again as well.  They had a holiday menu this year, and while I was disappointed to miss out on my egg salad and roast beef mini sandwiches, what they served instead was just as delightful.  Turkey salad with cranberries?  My favorite. :)  The little girls in their party dresses at this time of year is just so adorable.  I would have loved to have tea time like this when I was a little girl.  

Side note: I'm glad there aren't any Garrett Popcorn stores out here in the burbs.  I've learned I have absolutely no self control around their Chicago mix, and will finish off an entire bag of it by myself.  Actually, I want more of it, lots and lots of it.  

I am in love with my North Face jacket.  It is incredibly soft, and it is warm.  I wore it when we went downtown on Sunday, and it passed the test.  I didn't think a fleece jacket could hold up so well in this Chicago winter, but this one did!  I have wanted one for a really long time, and just never could fit into them.  I hate wearing winter coats, I don't like how bulky they are or how they restrict how much I can move my arms.  So, I am very happy with my purchase.

I am gonna try to stop being lazy now. :)  Have a Merry Christmas!!

Sleep Deprivation

I am so running on fumes right now.  I don't mind working doubles at work, I get a 3 hour break between my shifts, so it is really not bad.  It would be worse if I had to work back to back 8 hour shifts like other places have nurses do.  But it is really, really, reallllllly hard to feel like I'm at the top of my game when I only got 5-6 hours of sleep the night before, and then I get stuck almost an hour past my shift because of things completely out of my ability to control, and come back to work at 700.  I'm exhausted physically and mentally, and yet, all I can do is think of my huge to do list:

Laundry
Address Christmas Cards
Wrap presents
Shower/Get ready for Wicked tonight
Be awake for Fedex delivery I managed to negotiate for 5 today (after they were late, and I missed both attempts thus far)
Spend time downtown tomorrow to see the lights, and afternoon tea at the Drake.
Ship presents for my family to TN
Plan Christmas goodies bake list and buy needed supplies
Start making and baking said goodies
Prepare goodie bags for nurse coworkers
Get nails done Friday-ish, maybe Monday
Get hair touched up
Figure out how to pay traffic ticket online
Declutter kitchen counter

And all I want to do is sleep!!  I'm so over everything I need to get done and just want to say eff it, and sleep.  But I won't do that.

I also got into a car accident yesterday during my break from work.  Just a fender bender, some jerk stopped suddenly to turn left as soon as we got through an intersection.  Luckily, no one is hurt, cars are fine, just some scratches.  In fact, maybe it is because of the snow, but the scratches one my bumper are hard to enough now.  But, this is what insurance is for.  So it will be fine, as long as the driver and his brother (the owner of the car) don't try to contact me again.  They got all of my information on the police report, and apparently felt it was necessary to to call the second I drove away to ask me to call their insurance with the info they already had.  My guess, is the guy's insurance lapsed, because otherwise they could have given their agent my information themselves.  But I don't know how any of that stuff works.

I did get my Christmas shopping done, despite the challenging week I have had.  So one thing can be crossed off my list.  However, my hubby is sick, and when it started, I totally brushed it off as just a scratchy throat.  Now he has hardly any voice left.  I feel bad, but there is also probably not much that could have been done.  It's most likely viral, but I still feel bad.

I must get moving!! More later maybe.

I've Got the Christmas Cheer!!

This has been an interesting week.  One of my coworkers put in her 2 week notice.  In the long run, I think this will be for the best.  I have been growing tired of her complaining about how she never has time for anything anymore because of her schedule, when I work more hours than she does, and I work  PMs, where she works days.  Her leaving may help the other complainer stop complaining so much because she'll be on day shift now.  So, in the long run, it will be a good thing.  Short term, it is going to suck, because that is a full time schedule we have to try to cover now.  And the newbies really aren't ready to start working more than what they are, it just makes for a disaster in my opinion.  My other worry is that if the other nurse quits, too, I could lose my Christmas off.  That was the main reason I allowed myself to get put on for so many shifts, because I was told I would get those days off.  I will be really upset if it gets taken away from me.

Other than that unsettling development, its been a good week.  We got our decorations up, and watched a lot of our favorite Christmas movies.  We started our shopping on Thursday.  We have his parents pretty much taken care of....actually we have mostly everyone on our list taken care of.  We need a few more things to finish up Mom-in-law's gifts, my little sister, and the White Elephant gift for Christmas Eve.  Of course, we do still need to shop for each other, but that will be done on our own time. :)  I also got my nails done in my favorite sparkly red color.  My residents will love them. :)

I just need to start addressing our Christmas cards so I can send them out this week.  I am waiting on a few things we ordered online to arrive, and once we finish shopping, I can wrap and ship the gifts we got for my family to TN.  I also have to start deciding on what Christmas goodies to make this year.  My yearly things are always my Santa cookies, Puppy Chow, No Bake Cookies.  Mike wants to make more than that, so I have to come up with some good ideas. :)  I'd love to get really good at making fudge.  That may be on my list now.

I just have to get through this week, and then we get to see Wicked with Mike's parents on Saturday.  I am soooo incredibly excited for this.  I love love love love love that show!  The book was really good, too!  Then we will spend the day downtown on Sunday, taking in the lights and window displays, and having afternoon tea at the Drake.  This is absolutely my favorite tradition we have each year, going downtown in the cold (hopefully snowy :)  ) weather, see how beautiful Chicago is when it is lit up with Christmas lights.  We did this the year we got married, and have done it every year since.  We also started collecting ornaments for each year when we got married, and I love it.  We have to get our 2013 ornament sometime soon, but I love our little collection.  It is still so hard to fathom we have been married for over 5 years now.  I feel incredibly blessed that this man fell into my life 12 years ago, and never left.  I never thought 12 years ago that he would end up being the man I get to sleep next to every night, and I'd be living in Chicago with him.  In fact, when I was 17, I didn't imagine my life to be anything like it is now.  But I am truly thankful it is far different from what my 17 year old, depressed self saw my life going, and Mike is responsible for so much of that.

Today I work.  And tomorrow, and the next day.  Blah!!

Memories.....the Not So Good Ones

The new grad I have been training got let out on her own the past few days.  I feel for her so much, because it has been rough for her.  Dealing with a re-admit on her very first shift alone, and having no one really tell her what she needed to do and how to do it, it just wasn't fair.  It is hard enough find your rhythm when everything is going well, much less when you are dealing with a resident who was sent back to us in an unstable condition.  So, her second shift alone wasn't much better, she had a lot getting thrown at her, and I helped her finish her med pass, and then walked her through how to do an incident report, how to chart on it, where you have to log it at, etc.  Explain to her what to do with discharge orders, and show her the errors she made so she can learn from them.  I felt bad, because I know how easy it is to beat yourself up over your mistakes....but if you don't know about your mistakes, you can't learn from it.  So, I think she knew I was just trying to help her, which made me feel better about being the bearer of the bad news.

Oh man, but did it make me remember my first shifts on my own.  It is so terrifying, especially as a new grad.  You second guess yourself so much, you waste so much time.  I remember the panic, the freaking out because you are late getting to people, late getting out.  Worrying you forgot something.  Worrying about the mistakes you made, and the ones you made but don't know you made yet.  Thinking the other nurses are bat shit crazy when they tell you it gets better, how the hell do they just walk around all slow like this is a piece of cake?  How are they not freaking out every single minute?  Why do they insist on repeatedly effing telling me it will get better?!?!?!?!  I remember crying on my way home the first night I was by myself practically because the person training me just left me to my own defenses.  It is so hard to get through that time of feeling unsure of yourself, and doubt over whether you would ever really get good at doing this.  I want so much to just pour everything I have learned in the last 10 months into her brain so that this time in her career is easier.

It didn't help that the dermatologist picked last night to see a bunch of our residents, and left us orders for all of them.  I should have been able to get to them except I had to help my coworker get through her shift.    So then I had to show the other new girl who is working overnights how to take off orders, and threw a bunch of them at her, and I felt bad, but it had to get done.  If she makes mistakes, it is ok, none of the orders were critical, so it was a not so bad place to start.  I hope anyway.  Today I am off, so today I will not worry about it.  Tomorrow I can deal with any of the problems that came about from my call to have the overnight nurse do the orders.  

Speaking of, I have the whole day off today with my hubby, and that makes me happy.  We have some errands to run, but otherwise I just want to enjoy the day with him.  :)  I have another double tomorrow, so I gotta make today count!

The Holiday Season has Arrived!

I do love this time of year so much.  I love decorating our house for Christmas.  I love the Christmas music.  I love making Christmas goodies. I love going downtown and seeing it lit up with lights.  I love the daily chocolates from our advent calendar.  I love shopping for gifts, even though it can be hard to figure out what to buy sometimes.

Thanksgiving was weird for me this year.  I felt like it was just show up, eat, and go to work.  I wish I could have stayed longer, but this is the life of a nurse.  My shift was definitely weird, a lot of my residents were out with their families, so it threw my entire routine off.  I usually see 8-9 people from 3:30-4:30, and only 2 of them were there.   So I took my break early so I could just get going as people starting coming back.  It all worked out, with only 1 person getting back really late.  I had a plate of my Mom and Dad in law's Thanksgiving leftovers to eat while I did my charting at the end of the night, and it made being at work not so bad. :)  Plus time and a half is nice, too, I guess.

Once I got home today from work and took a nap, we started on our Christmas decorations.  Everything is pretty much done except I need to buy new ribbon to put on or cabinets to hold the Christmas cards we get in the mail.  I had saved what we used last year, but it unfortunately isn't smoothing out to my liking.  And I want to buy some more poinsettias to kill again this year. :)  I'll take care of that all on Tuesday.  I will also get started on getting the Christmas cards addressed, too.  Then I have to start getting serious on the shopping.  I started on little goody gift bags to give to my coworkers, but nothing for family has been bought yet because we have no one's lists yet.  Story of my life.  It sucks, too, because we have to ship gifts this year to TN since we aren't going to be able to travel.  It will all get done one way or the other.

The biggest struggle?  I married my father, the man who doesn't "really want anything".  Last year was easy, because we got each other iPads.  So, I'm gonna have to put on my thinking cap and get to brainstorming.

This is the last week of overtime for me, I think.  I work a double tomorrow and Wednesday, and then it is back to normal for the most part.  My schedule is a bit mixed up because of the holidays, but I go back to my normal amount of hours each week.  Also, no more training, the new girls are on their own starting today, so I think all of us a (cautiously) relieved.  I hope they feel supported, I wanted nothing more than to make them feel comfortable with me so they weren't afraid to ask the "stupid" questions we all have to ask when we are starting out.  I am only one person, so its out of my hands after a certain point.  

So that is my update for now!  Just gonna relax with da hubs tonight since I won't see him tomorrow. 

Holidays as a Nurse

So, I have been scheduled off for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  Part of me feels bad that I won't see my residents on either of these days.  I should just be happy I got them off, but that thought popped into my head last night.  I won't see them, and who knows how many of them will get to go to their family's house to celebrate.  How many of them will be stuck there, how many of them won't even get a visit?  It is a sad thought, and that contributes to my sadness that I won't be there to see them those days.  It is pretty unexpected that I'd be having these thoughts about the holidays.  For example, I have to work Thanksgiving evening, and I'm really not too upset about it.  Would it be nice to have the whole evening to spend with the family? Of course, but my in-laws are amazing and moved dinner up to lunch time so I could still be with them, so I still get to see them and eat the amazing meal that they make!!  So, I still get to see Mike's family, so going to work isn't so bad.

It also unfortunately is a huge source of bitching amongst certain nurses.  They think because they have worked there for over a year and a half, that they are given a pass from having to work holidays.  And they are making the rest of us who are just accepting what we were given and trying to make the best of it miserable.  I really don't understand this.  People going into nursing should know that working holidays is part of the deal.  Maybe you'll get the better choice of shifts because of seniority, but you do not get out of working holidays all together.  If you want to work M-F, 7-3, with no weekends, and lots of time off for the holidays, you should consider a different profession.

Anyway, I am glad that I will be working/sleeping while the whole Black Thanksgiving thing is going on.  What a way to show you are thankful what you have, by shoving people out of the way to get to a TV that is 50% off.  The chance of physical injury because you want to buy some stuff really cheap just doesn't make sense to me.  What was wrong with waking up early on Black Friday, and by early, I mean 5 a.m., not waiting in line for the entire day on Thanksgiving so you are one of the first in line when they open at 6 p.m. Thanksgiving Day?  The only things I think would be worth it would be needing to be buy appliances for your house. Or maybe people with a LOT of kids and can't afford much.  Otherwise, I see no need for it.   Wake up early on Friday, and get your sales, but keep Thanksgiving where its supposed to be, eating lots of food and spending time with your family.  I'll end my yearly rant on this now. :)

In other news, I have officially worked every shift possible at work.  The last one was the 7-3 shift, and I've always been a bit scared of it because the girls who work it make it sound so stressful.  But it wasn't bad at all.  I was actually thankful that I got a call for someone having UTI symptoms, because it gave me something to do with my afternoon.  It was less fun working with the 2 nurses that bitch the most, but they kept it to a minimum around me thankfully, so I'm ok with that.  There is some drama/stress going on right now that we are all upset about, but there is nothing we can really do about it right now other than learn from it, so I'm kind of tired of talking about it.  I'm just done with all of the bitching going on at work.  I just want to go to work, do my job, go home and enjoy what little time I get with my husband.  But lately, its been a call about something or some mandatory meeting at the last minute for too many of my days off.  It kind of puts a damper on your days off.  It is hard enough to stop your brain from going into overload thinking about what happened on your shift, but then when you do and you get a call from your boss.....it ruins it.  

I am off today, and we bought tickets for Catching Fire a few weeks ago at the iPic theatre.  I am really excited about this, because we got the premium seating again with the reclining seats, pillows and blankets. :)  You can order food and drinks and they bring it to you.  The last time we did this was last year, and we loved it.  I am pretty excited to see this movie.  When my friends were all going nuts over the books and the first movie, I opted out because it sounded terrible.  What possibly could be enjoyable about reading about a bunch of teenagers fighting to the death?  Well, in typical fashion, Mike started watching the movie, and I got sucked in.  The books are so much better, and are worth it to read before you watch the movies, but the movies are still good without reading the books, too.

I also have officially killed my first pair of nursing shoes.  I bought these shoes in March, and they are amazingly comfortable, and my feet barely hurt after being on them all day.  The brand is Ahnu, and they are patent leather slip on shoes.  They look like clogs but without the huge platform.   8 months later, the patent is coming off, the sole is separating from the shoe, and the insert is destroyed.  Plus, they smell worse than my Nikes do.  But I ordered the exact same pair again and they should arrive today or tomorrow, and I'm super happy.  My feet are super happy.  I know Dansko shoes are really popular, but I wore them for clinicals my first year, and yeah, they were comfortable, but when I wore them as a PCT, I fell twice in one day and never put them on again.  The platform was just not good for my ankles, which tend to roll a lot.  So, Ahnu is now my go to brand for my nursing shoes, and they look dressy enough that I'm not self-conscious about them.

Anyway, back to the holidays.  I went super lazy this year for our Christmas cards.  I ordered customized cards, and our return address already printed on them, so all I have to do is write the address on the front.  I'm pretty happy about this, and won't feel like the overwhelming task like it usually does. I, of course, am slacking on making my list for Christmas.  It is bad that I keep thinking of nursing stuff, like a pulse oximeter, or a tympanic or temporal thermometer.  I have found some cute nurse wine glasses on etsy.  :)

Oh, and we had the Ditka Dash this weekend.  Of course, I'm not running it, I'm also not signing up for anymore 5ks until I can confidently run a 5K without stopping.  That is my goal I'm going to work on for now.  Otherwise, its gonna be fun to see everyone with mustaches and aviators. :)

Passing Away

Death is an inevitable part of life.  We like to try to control it, predict it, prevent it, delay it.  But ultimately, it is going to happen when it is supposed to happen.  I have had experience with people I was caring for passing away, I've done the after death care before.  It has never been a pleasant thing, but some are easier to deal with than others.  Most of the residents that have passed away at work have been on hospice, so its been more of an expected and managed passing.  They were comfortable, we medicated to maintain comfort, and they went peacefully when it was their time to go.  I haven't actually been there at the actual time of death, so I think that has helped me handle the loss a lot better.  It is easier to think of them being gone like they just moved out, rather than to have experienced the time of death so you know they aren't coming back for sure.

Last night was my first experience of a resident passing away on my shift, and it was unexpected.  To have just seen them shortly before, letting them see my nails because they liked my nail polish, telling them I'd see them later and that I hoped they would sleep well that night......to getting a call barely an hour later that they were unresponsive on the floor...it just floored me.  I did the best that I could, I stayed with her, I directed people to get help, to call 911, to call the family.  I wanted to do CPR, but luckily the care manager with me reminded me she is a DNR, and had the sheet to prove it to me.  All I could do was hold her, stroke her hair and her back, crying while we waited for the paramedics.  I knew she was gone, but part of me wanted so bad to hope that maybe the paramedics could do some sort of magic and bring her back.  Maybe I was wrong, maybe she did have a pulse, maybe she was breathing and I just was not assessing her properly.  I wanted so, so, so much for there to be a way to save her.  But there wasn't.  She is gone.  

I think I handled everything as well as I could have given that it was my first experience as an RN of managing the death of someone I was caring for.  I had no idea what to say to the family, but I felt so strongly to share with them how happy their mother was that day, how she gushed over my nails in her usual fashion, how positive she was all the time even when she wasn't feeling well.  They seemed to have really appreciated that.  I'm sure there are things I can handle better next time.  I know now to make sure the paramedics and police officers tell me the time of death before they leave.  I will hopefully keep it together and not cry so much next time.

I'm not going to go into the lack of help I received from the other nurse on duty, because I'm absolutely done with her after how she behaved last night.  That is all I will say about it.

I slept really well last night, and today I am off with my handsome hubby.  I want mostly to relax and de-stress after the awful day I had yesterday.  I worked a double, and it was honestly a bad day from the start.  I had a sick resident in the morning that I almost had to send out, but instead got STAT orders which sucked a lot of time away from when I was supposed to be training.  I apologized to my preceptee, because I had to take over a lot of it to get us caught up.  I did let her take over once we got caught up.  Anyway, today, I'm going to have a nice day with my hubby.  Simple as that.  And we are making my friends chicken tacos for dinner again, and I'm excited!!

RN to BSN

A lot of my classmates have either started or are about to start programs to complete their BSN, which is Bachelor of Science in Nursing.  I missed being in class a lot when I graduated, but the mental break was so beneficial to me.  I think Mike appreciated having the break of his wife not being crazy from studying.  Now that I am nearing the one year mark of working as a nurse, I need to start thinking about more than just surviving one shift at a time.  I'm not going to be at my current employer forever, and I really don't want to be hindered by the BSN only requirements a lot of hospitals are starting to attach to their job listings.  I need to just get over my fear of Chemistry and just do this already.  And the dreaded paper writing.  I hate writing papers.  That is why I stopped being a psychology major because I envisioned having to get my masters, and doing research, and then writing the dreaded research articles and trying to get published.  Ugh, no thank you.

I was registered for Chemistry, but I changed my mind at the last minute.  It turned out to be a good thing because of the hectic mess that developed at work.  I would have been pretty screwed.  We finally started training some new nurses this week, so hopefully this will resolve the problems with the schedule.  Which, I never thought about the day when I would be training the new grads!  I still feel so much like a new grad even though that label isn't really appropriate for me anymore.  I guess I should be honored that my boss thinks I'm ready to precept the new nurses.  Honestly, I just didn't anticipate that I'd be training other nurses at this point.  But I do like it, and happy that my preceptee has confided that they feel more comfortable with me than some of the other nurses who have not been so nurturing as preceptors.  I guess they have forgotten what it was like for them to be a new, terrified nurse.  I haven't, and I don't think I ever will.  How can you get mad at them later for their mistakes, if you didn't give them a good foundation to start and rush them on just the their second day of training?  Sure, it may have taken her longer to get through a med pass than if I were doing it alone, but I've been doing this for over 9 months now, this is her first week, how would I ever expect her to be as fast as I am?  I don't, and I don't want her to be fast.  I want her to be safe and accurate.  Speed comes later.  So, I hope they are spared from the eat-their-young-nurses as much as possible so they don't feel terrified every day.  Because we need them to stay and not go running for the hills!!

Anyway, once they are up and running (not for the hills, I mean, lol), I should get my set schedule back.  *yay!!!*  This is important to be able to sign up for classes.  I really just gotta get over it and get it done.  Chemistry will never just vanish from my nursing to-do list, unless I'm content to never better myself.  Which I am not.  So, chemistry will happen this next semester.  It just has to.

The part after that is researching RN to BSN programs.  I want to do it online, and I want it to be through a good school, just not just pop up online school.  I have always gravitated towards Northern Illinois University.  I just feel like this is where I should go.  I need to do a lot of research, and make sure I'm picking a school that will work best for me, both content and money wise.  But I'll be pretty surprised if I don't end up at NIU.  Also, I get tuition reimbursement through work, so that will definitely be a huge incentive for me to work hard, so I get all that money back hopefully.  I really don't want to use financial aid if I don't have to.  So we will see what happens, and just make it happen.

I have today off from work, and its been lovely just lounging, sipping my coffee.  I'm trying to talk myself into going back to the gym today.  And then maybe if I do that, I'll reward myself with a pedicure that I so desperately need, or I will settle for some soup from Panera.  Damn is that stuff addicting.  I have a lovely date night planned with this really handsome man tonight that I am really looking forward to.  Just don't tell my husband, he might get jealous. :)

Doctor Orders

I'm pretty over families who show up maybe once every month or so telling me how I should do my job.  Every diabetic patient I have ever cared for had their sugar checked before meals, and insulin given before meals.  There is a reason for this, there is research, science, and like, doctors and stuff, totally backing up me checking your mum's blood sugar before dinner.  If I need to give them insulin, its best to give it before a meal, so they don't go hypoglycemic.  Checking their blood sugar after a meal will only show a totally normal rise in blood sugar after meals (which everyone goes through), and if you are giving insulin based on this number, you are giving them too much, and they will be hypoglycemic later on.  So, when you give me attitude for doing my job the way its been ordered for me to do it, and the way scientifically and medically is the norm to do....you are forever on my idiot's list.

I really don't mean to come off as if I can't handle when people question me.  I'm totally ok with that, but this particular family regularly does this, and some of them are actually really rude about it, and I'm just done.  I believe my nursing license and training and experience, and more importantly, the doctor's license and training and experience trumps your 30 minute google education.  Maybe ask me why, and I can explain to you the physiology to you, and actually educate you, rather than acting as if I'm totally incompetent.  I also can't go rouge and decide to check your loved one's blood glucose and treat it with insulin whenever I feel like it..... I'm not a doctor, and I can't go around shooting people up with insulin without a doctor giving an order to do so.  I realize you may have taken it upon yourself to do this when you had your mother/father living with you, but you didn't have a license to protect.

Also gotta love when a family member asked me to wipe off the lancet needle with an alcohol swab and use it multiple times to save them money.  $10, the typical cost for a 100 lancet needles, is certainly not enough to have me risk my safety for you, sir.  Nope, Nope, Nope.

Moving on, today I have a spa day scheduled.  I'm getting a massage and then a facial.  I really need a pedicure, too, but I'm worried if I schedule it before the massage, they won't be dry enough and will get messed up, and I'd rather just go straight home after the massage and facial.  So, maybe I'll save that for the weekend.  I'm pretty excited for all the time I am going to get to have with Mike this week.  I am starting to feel like I'm able to get some balance back.  Still nervous that the new nurses still haven't been scheduled yet.  I really do want my normal schedule back, and the longer it takes for them to start orientation, the longer it will be before I get back to my set schedule and being able to plan things in advance again.

I am trying to get myself back into gear with running, and weight watchers.  But, it is so easy to eat comfort food when you are stressed, and justify Starbucks when you are working a ton.  And broccoli cheddar soup is healthy, right?  Man, I love that soup from Panera!!  Anyway, I really do want to get back on board, and now that I'm not working a bunch of overtime, I really don't have any excuse.  But, today??  Panera or Toasty Cheese probably is happening.  Just being honest!

I guess that is all for now. :)

Rainy Wednesday

So, for some odd reason, I am up super early today and feel exhausted still from my shift last night.  I am working a reasonable number of hours this week thankfully, and I even got my weekend off.  Of course I was a bit busy.  I had to run downtown to pick up my packet for the Hot Chocolate 5k, then I needed to do some super important makeup shopping, grabbed some lunch, and then off to 3 1/2 hour appointment at the salon to get my hair done.  Which went amazingly.  I decided last minute to schedule my hair appointments on Saturday, and threw caution to the wind and scheduled with a new colorist because it would have taken too long to get in with my normal girl, and I saw my friend from nursing school for my haircut instead of my usual guy.  It really worked out great, my hair is a lovely brunette with some red/violet tones to it with some minimal highlights.  My nursing buddy even curled my hair, and it was really cute.  It stayed curly all night, and even into the next day, with very little hairspray.  It worked out perfectly for us meeting up with Mike's parents for dinner then a show at Improv to see Chris Katan.  Too bad his opening acts were funnier than he was.

I was nervously checking my phone all day on Saturday to see if my coworker ended up calling in sick for her shift on Saturday.  She tried like hell to get out of it, and I was really worried about her screwing everyone over by just calling in.  Luckily that didn't happen.  I really do hope that this crap slows down once the new nurses that were hired are cleared to start training.  I have to request off my normally scheduled off weekend in December to make sure our plans to see Wicked with Mike's parents aren't ruined, as well as our reservations at the Drake for afternoon tea the next day.  Everything else is so up for grabs until the new nurses are ready to go on their own.  But oh well.

Sunday we did the Hot Chocolate 5k, and I'm so happy we were able to make it!!  We power walked our way through, because running has just not had a space in my life right now.  But we were certainly not the last ones to finish!  The chocolate goodies at the end were super delicious, and we had a really good time.  We also looked really cute in our matching pull-over sporty hoodies that they give you in your swag bag.  I think I definitely want to do it again next year!  We were pretty exhausted afterwards and took a 4 hour nap when we got home, and still went to bed early that night!  It was a great weekend off from work, and I was so thankful that I had both days off.

Everything else is going the same as it has been.  It is really nice that the holidays are coming up, and even though I'm working on Thanksgiving, we still get to see Mike's parents that day for a lovely Thanksgiving meal that isn't microwaved.  We had made reservations because we felt really bad about asking them to move things up earlier, but they ended up moving things up early and insisted on it.  It made me feel happy that I won't miss out on Thanksgiving with them.  It will be a bit rushed, sure, but that's ok with me.  Mom-in-law and I are still getting to make our annual visit to the craft fair at the Odeum.  It is important to me to keep up certain things even though my schedule is different now, and getting off of work isn't as easy as it was before.  I find a way to make it work. :)

I am hoping that nothing else happens to make my life more hectic work-wise, because I need things to slow down a bit so I can feel like home isn't just a place to sleep.  I miss my set schedule, knowing when I can plan things and when I can not.  I need the work/life balance thing back.  Some of the positives to this is I'm earning brownie points with my boss, and becoming more confident in my abilities.  But, oh what I would give to not be living on Panera and Starbucks right now!!!

Happy Halloween

I'm off of work today thankfully.  I could barely talk last night towards the end of my shift.  At least things went pretty smoothly.  I still don't know how I did this.  I still feel exhausted even after sleeping in today until nearly 10 a.m., but I'm determined to make something of my day besides being a lazy slug on the couch.

My boss finally posted the November schedule, and it really cheered me up the other night when I got the exclusive first peek before my coworkers got to see it.  My set schedule is gone, as is everyone else's, but I'm scheduled for a normal amount of hours, and my days are reasonably spread out.  So, I'm happy that I won't be working an insane schedule like I have been.  Most of us are ok with the set schedules being thrown out temporarily, but of course a couple are throwing a fit.  I don't even care at this point.  Hopefully, they suck it up because if they decide to quit like they have been threatening, it would really suck.  Otherwise, I'm really happy that I feel like I'm getting my life back.

I have to work a double tomorrow, but then I have my precious weekend off....the first one in over a month.  I'm so excited, I can't even decide what I want to do with it.  We were supposed to have the Hot Chocolate 5k on Sunday, but I've unfortunately been working too much to properly prepare.  I e-mailed them to see if its possible to switch to the walk instead, but we will see.  I really hate the idea of missing it when we have already paid for it.  We will see.  I think I want to try to make it somehow.

Today, I really hope I can get over it and just schedule my damn hair appointment already.  This is why I go so long between appointments, because I either don't have time or I'm too nervous to do it.  I definitely need a pampering day, and right now, a massage sounds amazing with how bad my back is hurting me right now.  Hair cut, color, facial, pedicure, maybe a massage.  That sounds like a pretty amazing day to me.  Once I have worked up the courage to actually schedule it all.

I'm slowly starting to feel human again.  I finally updated my planner and the calendar for Mike.  I finally decluttered and cleaned my caddy I carry with me at work....it was a jumbled mess.  Now, I need to sort through all the mail I've piled up, and clean out my purse, and get the checkbook in order again.  Right now, I've just been paying bills as they pop up in my banking account, rather than the set schedule I made up.  We have more than enough money in the account to cover everything, so I haven't been balancing.  Which I hate.  I hate it so much, but I'm not going to go back and balance the last month's worth.  I'm just gonna start from today and be more on top of it going forward.

I also finally got around to buying malpractice insurance.  With the last 2 nurses getting fired for things that could have happened to any of us, it really made me regret not buying it sooner.  You just think, what could possibly happen? Well, now that I have an idea, I really couldn't justify not buying it anymore.  So, hopefully I never have to use it, and I feel like I will have some protection in the event something does go wrong at some point.  Best $100 I ever spent.

I have also surprised myself this past week or so.  My gut is my lifeline.  There have been things that have happened, and my brain would have told me to disregard it as usual symptoms for a resident.  My gut however told me to investigate, and I may have very well saved the life of one of my residents.  I also knew when to up the comfort meds for a resident with just a feeling that something more was starting to happen, and she passed away a few hours later.  I actually think I wouldn't make such a horrible hospice nurse.  I have found I do a pretty good job of managing the resident's symptoms that have been on hospice.  It is definitely easier in the end to figure out what is needed.  In the early stages, it is really hard to tell (for me anyway) if someone is just agitated or in pain.  But closer to the end, I have found I just know what to do without much thought.  I never thought I'd be playing the role of hospice nurse as much as I have in this job, but its not as awful as I thought.  I've been able to keep it together for my resident's family, and support them as much as the resident through this time.

 I really have surprised myself lately with how much of a nurse I feel like.  I still have so much to learn, but I definitely can see my confidence growing.  It feels good to not second guess myself as much as I used to.  This feels really good.  And while I may be exhausted from the amount of hours I've been putting in, I don't regret it because I know my residents are being taken care of.  I love them all.  On my usual shift, I have 45+ grandparents now that I get to take care of, joke with, learn about their past, and feel like they are my family now.  I get hugs on a daily basis at work. It  really makes it easy to forget all the coworker drama/stress.  I love it.

I am such a Wimp

I caved.  I am working tomorrow night unless someone decides to see the light, and stop being selfish assholes.  So, 6 days in a row, 55+ hours in one work week.  I have lost track of how many hours I've actually worked in the last couple of weeks.  I barely know what day it is.  I'm basically only working and sleeping at this point.  I know this is temporary, but it doesn't make it any easier to handle.  Like I said in my last update, I broke down bawling like a baby in the nurses' office after my coworker left.  I was a step away from crying all night, or I was severely deficient in my patience.  This is extremely uncommon for me, usually I am able to set aside my troubles when I start working.  I don't think about any of my personal stress when I make my rounds.  I put them aside and put on a happy face for my residents because they don't need to know I'm having a rough time.  The last thing I would want is for them to feel like they are a burden to me, so I try to do everything I can to make them see only happy me, not sad, stressed, exhausted, near tears me.

I can't even plan anything right now for my days off because who knows what is going to happen.  And I don't even know what my days off are going to be for the next month.  I hate not being able to plan my life.  I hate that I can barely do anything for myself other than sleep right now.  Weight Watchers and exercise?? Pssshh, what's that?!?!  A social life?? Yeah, right!  Being able to put my head on the pillow and NOT think about work??  Not happening.

I have to work on Thanksgiving, so I asked Mike to make us reservations for Wildfire for lunch time that day so I can still have a hot (non-microwaved) Thanksgiving meal.  His parents usually don't start having people over until 3, and that's the time I have to be at work, and I feel incredibly selfish asking them to move dinner time up to lunch time just for me.  So, Mike mentioned it to them, but I may just have him tell them to disregard it.  We'll just have a nice meal out, and then I'll go to work, and that will be the end of it.  It sucks to know I'm missing my first Thanksgiving after 8 years of spending it with his family.  I really feel incredibly sad about it.  But I guess I'll just have to add that to the list.

I will hopefully still get my weekend off coming up.  I was really worried I would be forced to work, but my boss assured me she would still give it to me.  I guess we will see what happens.  It will be really nice to have a weekend off, and be able to spend it with Mike, and not sleep the entire time.  I just have to try to put all the stress and drama at work behind me.  It's really not having a good effect on me right now, and I need to find some inner peace about it all, because otherwise, I may very well lose it.  I have not been this stressed and exhausted and emotionally wrecked since nursing school.  But at least my anxiety seems to be under control, its just everything else that is a mess right now.

Another First

Closing the door to the nurses office and having a massive cry fest.  The overtime has officially gotten to me, I think.