The new grad I have been training got let out on her own the past few days. I feel for her so much, because it has been rough for her. Dealing with a re-admit on her very first shift alone, and having no one really tell her what she needed to do and how to do it, it just wasn't fair. It is hard enough find your rhythm when everything is going well, much less when you are dealing with a resident who was sent back to us in an unstable condition. So, her second shift alone wasn't much better, she had a lot getting thrown at her, and I helped her finish her med pass, and then walked her through how to do an incident report, how to chart on it, where you have to log it at, etc. Explain to her what to do with discharge orders, and show her the errors she made so she can learn from them. I felt bad, because I know how easy it is to beat yourself up over your mistakes....but if you don't know about your mistakes, you can't learn from it. So, I think she knew I was just trying to help her, which made me feel better about being the bearer of the bad news.
Oh man, but did it make me remember my first shifts on my own. It is so terrifying, especially as a new grad. You second guess yourself so much, you waste so much time. I remember the panic, the freaking out because you are late getting to people, late getting out. Worrying you forgot something. Worrying about the mistakes you made, and the ones you made but don't know you made yet. Thinking the other nurses are bat shit crazy when they tell you it gets better, how the hell do they just walk around all slow like this is a piece of cake? How are they not freaking out every single minute? Why do they insist on repeatedly effing telling me it will get better?!?!?!?! I remember crying on my way home the first night I was by myself practically because the person training me just left me to my own defenses. It is so hard to get through that time of feeling unsure of yourself, and doubt over whether you would ever really get good at doing this. I want so much to just pour everything I have learned in the last 10 months into her brain so that this time in her career is easier.
It didn't help that the dermatologist picked last night to see a bunch of our residents, and left us orders for all of them. I should have been able to get to them except I had to help my coworker get through her shift. So then I had to show the other new girl who is working overnights how to take off orders, and threw a bunch of them at her, and I felt bad, but it had to get done. If she makes mistakes, it is ok, none of the orders were critical, so it was a not so bad place to start. I hope anyway. Today I am off, so today I will not worry about it. Tomorrow I can deal with any of the problems that came about from my call to have the overnight nurse do the orders.
Speaking of, I have the whole day off today with my hubby, and that makes me happy. We have some errands to run, but otherwise I just want to enjoy the day with him. :) I have another double tomorrow, so I gotta make today count!
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