Passing Away

Death is an inevitable part of life.  We like to try to control it, predict it, prevent it, delay it.  But ultimately, it is going to happen when it is supposed to happen.  I have had experience with people I was caring for passing away, I've done the after death care before.  It has never been a pleasant thing, but some are easier to deal with than others.  Most of the residents that have passed away at work have been on hospice, so its been more of an expected and managed passing.  They were comfortable, we medicated to maintain comfort, and they went peacefully when it was their time to go.  I haven't actually been there at the actual time of death, so I think that has helped me handle the loss a lot better.  It is easier to think of them being gone like they just moved out, rather than to have experienced the time of death so you know they aren't coming back for sure.

Last night was my first experience of a resident passing away on my shift, and it was unexpected.  To have just seen them shortly before, letting them see my nails because they liked my nail polish, telling them I'd see them later and that I hoped they would sleep well that night......to getting a call barely an hour later that they were unresponsive on the floor...it just floored me.  I did the best that I could, I stayed with her, I directed people to get help, to call 911, to call the family.  I wanted to do CPR, but luckily the care manager with me reminded me she is a DNR, and had the sheet to prove it to me.  All I could do was hold her, stroke her hair and her back, crying while we waited for the paramedics.  I knew she was gone, but part of me wanted so bad to hope that maybe the paramedics could do some sort of magic and bring her back.  Maybe I was wrong, maybe she did have a pulse, maybe she was breathing and I just was not assessing her properly.  I wanted so, so, so much for there to be a way to save her.  But there wasn't.  She is gone.  

I think I handled everything as well as I could have given that it was my first experience as an RN of managing the death of someone I was caring for.  I had no idea what to say to the family, but I felt so strongly to share with them how happy their mother was that day, how she gushed over my nails in her usual fashion, how positive she was all the time even when she wasn't feeling well.  They seemed to have really appreciated that.  I'm sure there are things I can handle better next time.  I know now to make sure the paramedics and police officers tell me the time of death before they leave.  I will hopefully keep it together and not cry so much next time.

I'm not going to go into the lack of help I received from the other nurse on duty, because I'm absolutely done with her after how she behaved last night.  That is all I will say about it.

I slept really well last night, and today I am off with my handsome hubby.  I want mostly to relax and de-stress after the awful day I had yesterday.  I worked a double, and it was honestly a bad day from the start.  I had a sick resident in the morning that I almost had to send out, but instead got STAT orders which sucked a lot of time away from when I was supposed to be training.  I apologized to my preceptee, because I had to take over a lot of it to get us caught up.  I did let her take over once we got caught up.  Anyway, today, I'm going to have a nice day with my hubby.  Simple as that.  And we are making my friends chicken tacos for dinner again, and I'm excited!!