The Deed is Done

I put in my notice yesterday at the hospital.  I've been going back and forth on this for quite some time.  I didn't want to leave and take my foot out of the door for a possible position at the hospital, but then the reality of the situation at the hospital has forced me to realize that this is likely to never happen.  I am sad to leave the unit, and will miss my co--workers who have been so supportive as I finished my program, but its time for me to move on.  My last day is on the 15th.

I also got my CPR certification renewed.  I am still sore from practicing on the manikins.  I had a great partner, and we got done early.  I also was pleased to find out that we got paid for our time in the class.  I was about to put down at least $50 for the class, so to get paid to take it was pretty sweet.  I always feel nervous about taking the CPR class, like I will be awful at it...but then I rock it. :)

I will have every other Saturday off after my last day at the hospital, and this has allowed Mike and I to have a few rare 2-day weekends together.  We both have always worked every Saturday, so now that I have every Saturday off, he could use vacation/personal/summer days to give us some weekends off together.  We have to take advantage of this while we can!

I am happy that life is slowing down a bit.  It's the little things that I'm looking forward to, like going for walks, carving pumpkins for Halloween, doing more with my baking, Christmas shopping and decorating.  I am excited to wear my new sweaters, and to see the snow start to fall.  I am so happy to not have to be so pre-occupied on exams, and clinical evaluations, and I can actually enjoy life.  Sure, one I get a nursing position, life will be stressful as I navigate my first year as a nurse, but it will be a good stress. 

I am still working on my personal goals, like working on my sparkle, trying to get better about being on time.  I am also now convinced beyond any shadow of a doubt that there was never any chance of fixing certain situations.  I have been struggling with this awful feeling of being labeled as the bad guy.  I am not a perfect person, but I had nothing but good intentions.  I cared about fixing the relationship, and I still do, but now I know I can't possibly reason with someone who is still this upset about their sides being uneven 6 months later.  What a petty reason to not want to resolve things, and let healing happen.  Again, I am not a perfect person, but at least I come from a place of wanting to fix things.  So, I am letting go.  I have struggled with wanting to speak up again, and try to get the talking going again, but then I remember how much that backfired the last 2 times, and I'm just not doing it.  Even though I truly fear that it will never happen if I wait for the other parties to speak up for a change, and the effect on our family is heartbreaking, I know that if the other side doesn't want to fix it, any attempts on my part just add fuel to the fire.  I am convinced now that I am not the one keeping things from getting better, and will not let myself feel like the bad guy anymore.  I will never stop hoping that someday we can fix things, but the longer this goes on, the less likely I feel it will ever happen.  And that is so sad to say, for so many reason.  Truly sad.

But, in short, I am over it.

Mike and I are excited for our 2 1/2 day weekend!  We plan on relaxing and grilling out on Monday.  We went out with friends last night to see the Batman movie at the iPic theatre, and oh my goodness, was I impressed!!!  Wine bar, full bar, and cheesecake at the concession stand, reclining seats with your own pillow and blanket....It was awesome!!  The tickets are expensive, so its not something I would want to do for every movie we see, but I definitely want to go again!!  And Mike and I are probably joining a couples bowling league with some friends, so that is exciting!  Too bad it isn't Wii bowling, because I would be a rock star! lol

Last Day #1 of 3 at the hospital tomorrow!

Ah ha! There it is!

So the predicted rejection letter from that ICU position came today. I was pleased that it was different from the other letters I've gotten. I just gotta keep trucking along!!

I have decided that I am going to put in my notice at the hospital. I am exhausted from working so much, and it's taking away from my job search. I am sad about leaving, but I have to give up on this idea that there will be a position for me there. Maybe down the road I can come back when I have more experience under my belt, but for now, I gotta let it go.

The dinner we made for our friends went really well. We haven't been able to invite people over for the last 2 years because I was just too busy, and it was just a bit awkward to arrange. I would have friends over for study sessions, but that was it. So it was nice to be able to get back to having people over and entertaining again!

I am at a standstill with decorating. I am wanting to up floating shelves everywhere, and I need to slow it down before I put a bunch of holes in the walls. The curtains are up, the prints I bought are framed and on the wall, and it's definitely feeling more like home more and more every day. Mom-in-law helped us a couple of weeks ago get this awesome utility table carted to our place from Hobby Lobby. It definitely was the piece I was wanting for the kitchen.

I am still struggling with what to do with the dining table. More and more, I fall back in love with the one we have. We got it when we first moved in together, and I loved. There is a big chip on the top, and scratches. I think I may get a white tablecloth and dress it up somehow. I just can't find any tables that I like enough, or within the amount I'm willing to pay. But I'm a bit tired of looking at this stuff right now. I am pleased with the progress of our place, but I still have a ways to go!!

Oh, and I have found a new wine I love... Moscato!! I finished my first bottle of that tonight!! :) I am definitely looking forward to building up a good stockpile of wine! :)

Weekend Update

I am still dealing with this sinus cold.  It truly isn't as bad as it was, but I would say yesterday was the first day I felt like my normal self.  I was starting to think I may have had a sinus infection because my upper teeth were getting sensitive every time I sneezed.  Weird, yet true.

Its the weekend for me, now.  Today was pretty quiet at work today, other than some serious shuffling of our schedule.  People who schedule their entire family of 6 for a Saturday, and then doesn't remember, and claimed to not have gotten the reminder call we gave, and as a result doesn't show up and can't keep any of the 6 back to back appointments shouldn't be allowed to have that large of a family.  Nor should they schedule with our office again, just my 2 cents.

Mike and I are entertaining some friends tonight, so I got a lot I have to do to prepare for dinner.  But I'm taking a moment to relax before I jump in. 

I did a little happy dance at my desk yesterday because I didn't get an auto-reject on a position I applied for.  It absolutely means nothing, the e-mail was just a "we will be in contact in a few days with those who meet our needs blah blah blah" sort of e-mail.  But that felt so much better than the insta-reject of "don't even bother, honey".  I'd love to even get a phone call at this point, even if it doesn't lead to a job offer.  I just want someone to look at my application and resume, and think "Hmm, she could be a possibility" rather than it going straight into the trash can because I'm a new graduate.

My brother-in-law is a firefighter/paramedic, and he gave me a tip about a possible opening at a hospital around his work.  I swear, I turn around and there is a whole new hospital group that I've never even heard of.  On one hand, this is good, because it means more positions I can apply for, yet on the other hand, its one more hospital to reject me.  I'm trying really hard to remember that I knew this wasn't going to be easy, and to be grateful that I am over-employed right now, rather than unemployed.  But it still sucks to feel like you aren't good enough, even though you just went through hell to finish nursing school and excelled at it. 

So, the hospital my BIL told me about is on my list to tackle tomorrow.  Plus some projects I want to do around here.  Like our blinds, upon closer inspection, they are dirty and need a serious wiping down.  I did our kitchen blinds, and it took me an hour to get them clean.  They are white, so you would think the dirt would be more obvious, but its not unless you get up close to them.  I am convinced the people who lived here before up were direct descendants of Pigpen from Charlie Brown.  Once I'm done with the blinds, I will have scrubbed basically everything there is to scrub in this apartment besides the walls.  At least the walls were clean because they were painted.....everything else was given the Caviwipe treatment, and then the Clorox bleach wipe treatment.  My new found germa-phobe-ness really came out when we moved in.  I didn't mind cleaning the apartment at all until I saw the shower door in Mike's bathroom, and threw a fit. lol

But even that situation was no match against me armed with gloves, steel wool pads, and tilex.  Good as new!  ;)

Must begin preparing for tonight! :)  By preparing, I mean, pour myself a glass of white zin or moscato. lol

Well How About That!

No auto-reject on the ICU position.  Doesn't mean that the reject isn't coming, but it does feel good to not be auto-rejected so quickly.  I just don't want to feel like I'm putting in all these applications, and just wasting my time.  It is so frustrating.

I'm also feeling a lot better, still blowing my nose and sneezing, but I was able to put in full day at work. 

Tonight Mike is at class.  Which I'm a little sad about for a couple of reasons.  Its one less night I get to have dinner with him this week, and I'm missing being in class.  He started his last class of the program he's doing at school this week, and my friends who are either starting or repeating their 4th semester went back this week as well, and I don't know what to do with myself.  I have been obsessively checking Harper's website to see if some of the classes I'd like to take online had any spots open up, and so far no luck.  I know this is crazy, but I've been in class for the last 3 years, its not natural to me yet to not be in class.

It would be nice to be able to have a nursing position before I begin anymore classes so that I can plan accordingly, but I really am feeling like I want to go back in the Spring.  I need to take nutrition, chemistry, and MAYBE statistics.  I can take everything but the chemistry online, and that is what I would like to do. I need to get these classes under my belt in order to get started on my BSN at NIU.  I don't want to be hindered later down the road because I only have an Associate degree.

There is so much on my brain lately about everything, my two jobs, whether to drop the part time one, looking for a new job to replace both, taking classes to advance my degree.  I don't know how there is room for much else sometimes, but yet there is!

Sick :(

I feel awful.  It started yesterday with a bunch of sneezing, and an awful headache when I got home last night from work.  And I woke up today congested, and just feeling like poo.  I didn't think I was that bad where I couldn't work, but that is where I turned out to be wrong.  I tried to hang on as long as I could, but I called it quits at about 1:30 and came home and slept.  I still feel icky, but I'm hoping I'll feel better in the morning.  My sweet husband brought me some roses to try to perk my day up a bit.

It was definitely sweet of him, and I love them!

I've been trying to just relax tonight, but of course, I got a bit jealous when I saw yet another classmate who has a job before I do.  I wish it didn't sting so much, and I feel terrible that all I can think of how much I wish it was me.  You can't help but compare yourself to your classmates in this type of over-saturated job market.  It makes me wish I hadn't been so ambitious with trying to be in the ICU for my capstone, because I could have had a better chance at establishing a job offer had I been on a med-surg floor.

A position for the ICU where I had my Capstone has been taunting me for months.  I would love to begin my career in the ICU, but I know my lack of experience is probably not want they need.  When you have people who are on the brink of dying, do you really want some green, new-graduate nurse?  Or an experienced nurse?  Plus, there was an issue during my Capstone that left me feeling like the assistant director didn't like me very much.

So, this has kept me from being able to bring myself to put in my application.  The thought of sitting down for an interview with this woman is terrifying.  The thought of my application spreading laughter throughout the whole ICU department is depressing.  But tonight, I figured what's another rejection letter in my mailbox tomorrow morning?  It isn't like I haven't seen enough of those already, and like it even matters anymore.  And heck, maybe the fact that I was able to hold in my tears of fear around this woman will count for something.  But either way, at least I can say I put my name in the hat, regardless of what they decide to do with it.

I did put in a couple of other applications that surprisingly didn't ask me that infamous question on the last page "Do you have X years of experience as an RN?".  So maybe I won't be auto-rejected.

I'm starting to think that if I don't have a position by the new year, I will start looking at other types of positions at places I don't even want to say the word, but you know what I'm meaning.  I just don't want to accept a position, and then another one come along that is more of what I was looking for, and then feel like an ass for jumping jobs.  But I just can't go forever without getting a job, or else my degree is useless.

Time to get some sleep, and hope to sweet 8lbs 7oz. baby Jesus, in a tuxedo shirt, that I'm feeling better.

Saaaa-Weeeeeet!!

Remember that CPR class that would have been for free at my hospital had there been openings?  Well by-gosh if they didn't open up more seats!   Problem solved!!  Now I'm glad that it was storming and my hubby was sick the other day, cuz that saved me $$$$!

Ghetto Hair No Mo!

Popped a Xanax before, but I made it to my hair appointment. Loved my girl J! She went through all my pictures with me, and worked with me on how to proceed. I always feel bad because I have a huge head, and it takes them forever to foil my hair, but it all worked out!!

I really have to stop letting so much time pass between colorings, and trust it will be ok!! But I love my hair!!