Feeling Blue

This past week has been discouraging for a few reasons.  As I mentioned, I had been in pain since last Thursday.  Then when I did start to feel better, my shifts aggravate my knee.  THEN, I break out in hives everywhere.  My arms, legs, and in places one should not discuss.  I have had this happen before, and its probably from something I ate, but who knows.  Then of course, because of my discouragement from not being able to run this week, my intake has just been ridiculous and untracked.  It snowballs easily.

Then I got my head bitten off by one of the more seasoned nurses because I am an idiot and ordered Bacitracin from the pharmacy because I thought she didn't.  I learned yesterday that Bacitracin is nothing more than neosporin.  She was being far more dramatic about it, like she was incensed because she thought I was questioning her handling of the order  Sure, I am an idiot for not knowing I could have just used our own supplies, but was it necessary to berate me over antibiotic ointment?  I'll pay the cost of whatever the pharmacy charges, it isn't like I overdosed someone on insulin, and this isn't like it was a full out regimen of antibiotics for someone with a UTI.  Just laugh at me as you point out my mistake and drop it.

It really got to me, however, and I was nearly in tears.  I was only at work for her to carry out her berating because I had to attend a class on challenging behaviors.  Quite fitting, right?  I know I'm new at this, and stupid, and will make mistakes....but if you talk to me like a respectful adult, I have no problem with being corrected.  She however was talking to me like I was a child.  I hope to never be like this when I am a more seasoned nurse.  I will not be not one of those nurses who eat their young.  And I hope to approach the situation with a more kind hearted humor when I see a young nurse not realize Bacitracin is simply Neosporin, of course, there is the possibility I was the only one stupid enough to not realize this.

Of course, then today, I wake up for work at the dental office, and I'm alternating between freezing, and sweating and just not feeling well.  Luckily, my boss was ok with me taking the day off, so I slept until 9ish and have been trying to relax a little before my 3 shifts in a row begin tomorrow.  Luckily we are still able to see my mom-in-law for Mother's day even though I have to work.  And then Mike is having his graduation ceremony on Tuesday.  I'm really happy for him.  He finished up in December, but his school only does commencement in the Spring.  I am really proud of him for sticking through it. He took one class at a time, and would go to class right after work and not get home until after 10 at night.  He did this for four and a half years somehow. :)  Luckily, both of his parents will be able to make it, and we're gonna celebrate at the Buffalo afterwards. 

There was good news for me this week.  I gave up and decided to finally buy some new jeans.  I knew my jeans were getting more loose, but I didn't think they were loose enough to go down a size.  I opted to start with a pair of skinny jeans, because they are the trend right now, in one size smaller.  To my surprise, they fit and didn't look terrible on me.  However, I couldn't get over how claustrophobic my calves felt, and I thought I looked like Cathy.  Yes, the cartoon character.

Skinny jeans aren't for me right now. They didn't have a size smaller in my go-to jeans, so I had grabbed one two sizes smaller.  After I tried on the skinny jeans, I was convinced this other pair wouldn't fit.  But I tried it anyway, and hot diggity, they fit!  I hadn't fit into this size jeans in 7 years.  I was ecstatic.  I also found my favorite cardigan on clearance in a few different colors, and I was able to fit into the XL size.  I had bought one earlier this year in a XXL, and it was kind of swallowing me now.  So I was happy to find them for only $10, and get some that fit me now.  I got a few tops and wife beaters in XL, too, and I was one happy girl.

I am a bit in disbelief, I must say.  The XL clothes are more snug, but I am ok with that because that means I'll get more time out of them.  I am hoping to get some more use of my dresses this summer to hopefully avoid having to buy a ton of clothes as I get smaller. As long as they fit me around my girls ok, then I am good to go.  Of course, that is a whole other issues.  My girls will begin to shrink on me, too.  Goodbye DDs, and hello C cups.  Sigh.

I hope that I can get out of my little blue slump I have found myself in today.  Definitely gonna have to skip weigh in tomorrow, which means I must kick ass this week to make up for it at the next weigh-in.  I think the fact that we don't have much sunshine today is affecting things, too.  I hate when I feel like this, I just feel like a slug.  A lazy, hive-ridden, stupid slug.

Happy Nurses Week!!

I am beyond thrilled to get to celebrate my first Nurses week as a true and bonafide nurse.  I still have a hard time saying "I am a nurse" sometimes, because it is still so new to me.  It still feels good to say.  I am still so incredibly grateful that I was able to accomplish this dream of mine, and all of the support I received along the way, and for everyone who believed in me even when I wasn't so sure of myself.  I officially had completed all of my requirements for graduation by this point last year, and it is really hard to believe it has already been that long. 

Nursing school feels more and more like a distant memory, which is a good thing when it comes to certain aspects.  The paralyzing anxiety before simulation testing, while waiting for your test scores, and the gut punch when you see your holistic back in your mailbox with your teacher's grading on it.  I would honestly suggest anyone about to start nursing school to get to your doctor, and get medication for anxiety immediately.  I'm not sure how many more breakdowns I would have had without it.

So, now that I am a working nurse, it feels so good to truly celebrate Nurses week.  Sure, I may not have ended up where I wanted to for my first job, but it isn't a bad job at all, and I love my residents.  We were at a flea market yesterday, and I kept seeing things that I would have loved to buy because they reminded me of certain residents.  I stopped myself because I didn't know how appropriate it would be to buy things for them, but it was hard to do so because I knew so-and-so collected these, or this would be aweseome because so-and-so used to play this instrument in their younger days.  I've grown attached to them, and I know this will be an extremely difficult factor for me when I do someday land a nursing position in a hospital.

I have been halted in my running progress.  I decided to start a May Squat Challenge, and foolishly off of one posted that started you at 80 squats for day one, 100 for day two, and so on.  I did 100 squats Thursday night, and I have been in utter pain since then.  Sitting down or standing up is incredibly painful, walking is painful, and my knee has been extremely
painful even just laying down.  I have been told before to work through the pain, but this isn't just soreness, its been an almost crying in pain with each moment kind of situation.  Sadly, I gave myself a break.  I'm not going to be able to run at all if I push myself into a full-on injury.

 Today has been the first day where I'm not in as much pain, so tomorrow, I may just go for an easy walk, and then on Wednesday, start my run/walk app over again.  I am sad to be slowed down in my progress, but it is what it is.  Normally, when this happens, I just stop going to the gym all together.  This time is different for me, I know I need to get back as soon as it is safe to do so.  Plus, we may be going to Milwaukee with my friend and her husband to do the Color Run in Milwaukee in August.  That will give me 3 months to get into running mode, so resting now is in my best interest..  I know I can do it if I am smart about it!  It also gives me a concrete goal, and it is a realistic one.

My weigh-in went alright on Saturday. I lost 0.8 pounds. I was a little disappointed, but I can't beat myself up after just having 5.2 loss the week before. It made it a little harder to enjoy myself when we went out with friends on Saturday and with Mom and Dad in law on Sunday, knowing I can't really work out much until I heal up. But it's ok, as long as I keep going, I'm still making progress. I did get an exercise mat and some hand weights so I can do other exercises at home, and it makes me feel good to get a collection of exercise items going.

Work is in a couple if hours, so I gotta get moving!!

I Feel Like a Bag Full of Suck

Being a nurse requires long hours on your feet, abusing your back bending over people in their beds or sitting in their chairs.  During my shifts, I work through the pain.  I don't notice my feet are hurting until I slow down at the end of the night, and my back doesn't really bother me until I sit down to do my charting.  How I am able to ignore my pain for hours on end is a complete mystery to me.  I guess it has to do with the fact that I don't have a choice.  I can't have a work day where I'm not as productive because I'm not feeling well.  I can't say "Oh, Mrs. Sweet Resident won't mind if I don't administer her medications to her tonight.", or "I just can't handle dealing with Mr. Angry Pants tonight, he'll be fine without me seeing him.'  Bad things can happen if a nurse slacks on her responsibilities. So, no matter how I am feeling, I have to power through it.

However, combining this with the daily workouts has caught up with me, and my brain is fighting me.  All I have to do is just get my workout clothes on, put my sneakers on, and go.  But my brain is making it hard on me this week.  I only made it worse by agreeing I was too sore on Tuesday to work out, and then agreeing again yesterday, and I'm still fighting myself this morning.  I know that as long as I watch what I eat, I'm ok.  I don't NEED to kill myself working out to lose weight, but I just want so badly to keep seeing these 4-5 pound weekly losses because it feels good.  I want to reach my next goal quickly.  I want to see results quickly like every other person who loses weight. 

I have started to see the difference in myself this week.  When I met my 10% goal on Saturday, I couldn't see it.  Mike would tell me he could, but I just didn't see it.  Sure, I had to buy new work pants, and my clothes were loosening up, but I just didn't see it.  So I took a picture and paired it up with one I took shortly after I started Weight Watchers:

I honestly had to stare for a good amount of time before the differences started becoming apparent.  It is amazing how our brains can have a completely different view of our bodies than is reality.  Before I lost weight, I don't think I ever truly registered just how big I was.  Sure, I knew I was fat, but I guess I always perceived myself to look more like the person on the right than the one on the left.  So maybe that explains why now I have lost the weight, and I AM the person on the right, I have a harder time perceiving the changes. 

I have unfortunately started being far more critical of my body than I was before.  I have started finding myself concentrating on the areas that I know are going to always be my problem areas, like my upper arms, my hips, etc.   Why must our skin be the loudest and most stubborn reminder of the fatties we used to be?  It seems so unfair to put in such hard work and dedication, only to still feel like a fake skinny person due to the saggy, ugly skin that is your version of war scars.  This is one of my biggest fears about losing weight, honestly.  And the other being the wave of "You are looking so great!" "Wow, you look amazing!" that will eventually start coming.  I know that seems so much the opposite of what it should be.  I shouldn't fear those compliments, I worked for them, I will deserve them.  But when I lost a significant amount of weight before, they were nothing but double-edged swords.  Each compliment felt like nothing but "You weren't pretty before you lost weight" "You looked like shit before you lost weight".  I had lost the weight so quickly due to a medication called Phentermine, that I was having trouble recognizing myself, must less process other people's compliments of the changes. 

This is why I haven't really talked about it at all with my family or my in-law's.  Sure, I post my weigh-in's on my IG or twitter that my little sister can see, but I doubt she would be concerned enough to pass it along.  I don't mind being celebrated at the WW meetings, but I don't want my family doing it for some reason.  I don't want to appear as I am trying to gain approval, or seeking compliments from them.  I admit, my feelings are weird about this.  I can talk to Mike about it just fine, or my coworkers or friends who are trying to lose weight, too.  But anyone not trying to lose weight, or trying to run/exercise, etc., I just have no desire to talk to them about it.  It is personal.  It is mine.  It is for my own benefit.  It is not for the sake of compliments/approval from those who just saw me as a fatty.  I wish I could better explain the mind fuck this does to me, but it just has that effect on me.  I just want the satisfaction of being healthier, getting to buy clothes from more than 3 or 4 places, and being able to do things like 5Ks and Zumba classes.  The only person I need to tell me I look good is my husband, and I know he's thought I was beautiful no matter what weight I have been at cuz he has been with me for all of them.

Despite our cheat day on Tuesday where we tried out this amazing food truck, I have been good food wise.  I've been really good about tracking, and resisting the urge to pig out.  I have to be careful the next few days because we are going to a flea market this weekend with the in-law's, and I'm praying I see a funnel cake stand sooo bad when we go.  I know the flea markets at home would have bounds of bad food stands like you see at fairs, so I hope this one is similar.  I need a funnel cake to happen! :)  Luckily, weigh-in is on Saturday, so its ok if I'm a little bad on Sunday. :)  Anyway, my grilled chicken salads have really been working out great for lunch these past 2 weeks, and I've been eating a lot of scrambled eggs lately where I only use one whole egg, and one egg white and I don't even notice the difference.  It is nice that my schedule now allows me to slowly wake up and not have to rush to make breakfast.  Or to just simply be lazy like I am today. :)

Weigh In Day!!

My most optimistic goal to reach today was my 10% weight loss mark, because then I'd get that lovely little keychain they give you.  I tracked my food all week, stayed within my daily allowance, and worked out every single day.  Once you add on the constant standing/walking nature of my job, I really hoped I'd make it, especially after my disappointing performance last week at weigh in.  So, how did it go??

Drum roll please............

5.2 pounds this week!!  30.8 pounds total, which is over my 10% goal!

I swore I saw a 6 at the end instead of a 0, and was momentarily confused when she asked me what I did this week.  I saw the 5.2, and I was like "Wait, did I meet my goal with that?  Was that enough?".  I had just went on a little rant the night before about the exact numbers I needed to hit, and those numbers were completely gone from my head.  I did regain my composure, and realized I lost more than I had hoped for!  I was incredibly happy to stay for the meeting, cuz it meant I'd get some applause for my achievement! To get that little keychain, it just felt awesome.  I immediately texted Mike and my friend who is also doing Weight Watcher, and I was just so pleased with myself.  It felt so good to hear everyone cheer for me when I said I lost 30 pounds and reached my 10% goal.  My meeting leader always asks you a question when you reach certain milestones, and it just felt good to share.  My meeting leader is awesome, he makes it feel fun. 

However, I wasn't expecting the crying when I got to my car and took my keychain out of its box.   I don't remember exactly at what point I reached my starting weight, but I know it has been at least 6 years.  I had been a receptionist for about a year, and the pounds came on quickly.  To be able to say I've undone the last 6 years of my life just hit me.  My next goal will take me back 7 years.  It is just beyond belief for me.  No trendy/starve yourself diets, no diet pills.  Just tracking what I eat and trying to be more active.  I can't wait until my next doctor's appointment to show off my weight loss to my doctor.  All the times I lied and said I was working out more than I was to her, or made excuses, or told her how I was motivated, but then gave up.   I was convinced she saw me as one of those people who was never going to do it, and she'd see me developed disease after disease.  It feels good to give her something to be proud of me for this year.

This is my weekly descent since January 19th:

This is my weekend to work, and I work 3 shifts in a row.  It sucks.  On one hand, its nice because chances are that there won't be any changes in medication orders that I don't already know about.  Plus, its usually easy going because I have this totally unscientific theory that people don't want to be sent to the hospital on the weekend, so they are on their very best behavior and keep things under control. lol  But it is exhausting, and I feel like doing nothing at all the next day I have off.  I normally allow myself this level of laziness, but not anymore.

Speaking of work, I dreamed of nothing but work last night.  The level of detail in my dreams freaks me out sometimes, like specific people/names, I can see the detail in the carpet.  My dream last night showed specific pills that I give each day I work. It is weird that I can see certain pills and know exactly what it is now.  Anyway, it wasn't really a pleasant dream, just anxiety inducing.  I hate the level of anxiety I feel over work.   I also saw one of my favorite clinical instructors at the grocery store last night, and oh it felt so good to talk to her again.  I felt so happy to tell her I had a job!  She was so amazingly supportive of me during my time with her, and given how incredibly petrified I was of her at first, it meant so much to me that she believed in me.  I'm so so so happy I ran into her.

I'm planning to work out everyday this week again, except today.  I did Week 2, Day 1 yesterday as a surprise to myself, and it really kicked my butt.  Me and 1.5 minute run intervals are not friends, but we are going to try and work things out this week.  Only until I ditch her for 2 minute intervals, which I'm sure is much more of a bitch, but I'll win some points being seen with her!

So here is my game plan for activity this week:

Saturday: I was going to work out today, but I'm kind of sore, so I'm taking today off as a reward for meeting my 10% goal. (DONE)
Sunday:    Week 2/Day 2 walk/run app. (DONE)
Monday: Switch it up and do an hour on the elliptical maybe? (DONE - Did Week 2/Day 2 again)
Tuesday: Two hour walk with Mike, we are gonna try another trail in Schaumburg that he has been itching to take me to for years.
Wednesday: Week 2/Day 3 of walk/run app if I feel I am running, otherwise I'll just repeat Day 2.
Thursday: Two hour walk in the forest preserve again.
Friday: Week 2/ Day 3 of walk/run app.

The walking outside is what I'm allowing myself for an "easy" day.  It is not hard to walk.  I went on a 2-hour walk by myself this past Thursday, and it was so incredibly lovely.  Sure, I picked the wrong time to go, it was windy and kind of cold, and I left my jacket at home because I've gotten too hot the last few things I've gone for a walk.  I survived without it though.  And I saw some deer running along at one point, and saw some pretty birds.  It will all look so much more beautiful once the trees started churning out some green leaves, and the field flowers bloom again.

The best part though?  No one was around to hear me bust out some mad lyrics to "Baby Got Back".  I'm proud to say I can sing along to that song nearly perfectly.  I sang some of my other work out songs that I was listening to, and it just felt good to be out there by myself, acting a damn fool as I walked because no one else was there.  I ran a couple of times to see how I handled the pavement versus treadmill, and it wasn't so bad.  I do think I'm gonna hold off until I can run more than a minute at a time before I do any serious running outside though.

School is going ok.  The class is a joke.  I can get a whole months worth of assignments done in a few hours.  I haven't read a single chapter since the first month of class, and I am still maintaining an A average in the class.  I am glad I paid for the book rather than renting it, because there are actually some really interesting things in there, but I just don't have the desire to read it right now.  However, I must say, buying the Kindle version of the book so I can access it on my iPad was the BEST thing I did.  Taking your tests online, when you haven't read the book, doesn't suck so bad when you can simply search for the desired terms in the question and just like that, you find your answer.

The problem for me with this class, and which I fully blame for my lack of motivation, is that is not challenging whatsoever.  My nursing classes were so much harder than this, I'd be in panic mode if I hadn't read the assigned chapters twice before the test, plus studying.  Plus, you could never just be concerned with one test, there were clinical assignments due 2 hours after the exam that took days to complete.  This is just not the level of difficult that I have grown accustomed to, so in my mind, I just put it on the back burner.  It is bad, I know, but it is what it is.  Luckily, the class will be over next month, and I'm definitely taking the summer off from classes.  Maybe even fall, too.  I just don't feel like facing Chemistry yet.  It makes my brain hurt just thinking about it.

So, I'm just gonna relax today until I have to leave for work, and it feel so good!! :)

New Year's Resolution Update

At the beginning of the year, I posted my 4 resolutions that I wanted to keep this year.  They were:

"So, moving forward with 2013, there are some things I need to achieve:

- Find a job as an RN so I can start to FEEL like an RN.
- Lose weight (I have to stop starting and stopping and just DO it!)
- Stop being late.
- and prepare myself for trying to start a family."

I have for once in my life gotten past January with my resolutions.  I found my RN job.  I have lost over 25 pounds.  I have been MUCH better about being on time for things.  And the preparing myself for trying to start a family is one that is kind of in line with the losing of the weight.  I don't think I'm gonna be ready this year, but I'm still working towards that, so I wouldn't consider it abandoned.  It just may be a two-year's resolution sort of thing.

I am definitely stepping up my game on the weight loss front.  The 3-11 shift has had an unexpected effect on me lately where I am starving when I go home.  Like, 4th meal at Wendy's with a double cheeseburger and frosty kind of starving.  Yes, that happened.  We went out to eat one night because we were too exhausted from the 4 hour/10 mile walk I got us into because of my guilt over eating the Wendy's 4th meal.  Then we went out to eat with Mom-in-law.  And I made brownies.  And its just been a bad two weeks.  I had already skipped weigh-in last week, so I couldn't skip this week because I probably would have stopped going all together.

0.2 pounds lost.  Even with the 10 mile walk, and going to the gym the night before.  I was pretty ticked with myself.  I realize that a loss is still a loss, but that is not good enough for me.  I know what my weekly losses have been typically, and 0.2 is just not acceptable.  Maybe if I were in the 100s, I'd be less upset with myself, but that's not my situation here.  So, I've obviously been lax with myself.  Sure, I can be proud that I've lost over 25 pounds already.  But that's merely a fraction of what I need to lose.  I have more work to do, and I have to get out of my non-tracking, eating fast food cheeseburgers kind of slope I'm doing down.

So, I actually have set a new goal for myself besides losing weight.  I want to be able to run again.  The last time I could seriously run was in high school.  I signed up to play soccer.  Why?  Who effing knows.  I'm not the outdoorsy, hiking hills, camping in the wilderness, wiping my ass with tree bark kind of girl.  I like air conditioning.  And indoor plumbing.  And being separated from wild animals and bugs by the nice, durable walls of my home.  So, what possessed me to want to play soccer is beyond me, but the point is that I wanted to play so I did. 

I was a sissy pants when I first started.  Shin splints, pulled hamstrings, gasping worse than the girl on the team who had asthma.  But, I got better.  I was late to class one day, and had to run to get there before the bell, and I was surprisingly not out of breath when I got there.  That was the point I knew I was getting into shape, and was proud of myself that I could run.  I did develop a horrible pain in my knee shortly after that, and found out I had Osgood-Schlatter disease in my right knee.  I pretty much just gave up and assumed I could never really run again because of the feeling of a knife being stuck i my knee when I went up stairs or tried to kneel.  That pain has for the most part gone away, although I do have a lovely reminder of a little knobby thing on my knee.

So,why this is all relevant.  I want to be able to run again like I did in high school.  I know I can do it, I know I have the ability and strength to do it, I just need to work up my endurance again.  I got one of those Couch to 5K apps for my iPhone to help me.  It has 3 runs each week, that has walk/run intervals.   I did the first run on Friday night.  It was 25 minutes totals, 5 minutes warm up, 1 minute run/ 1.5 minute walk times 6, then 5 minutes cool down.  I did it twice, and added 10 minutes extra walking so I could get a full hour long workout in before my weigh in on Saturday morning.  It was easy at first, and the last couple of runs were harder to get through as I got tired.  But I did it!

I then went again on Saturday after work, and got cocky.  I thought I'd move on to the week 1/day 2 run, and do it twice.  That shit was hard.  I didn't think I'd get through it.  And I for sure wasn't gonna do it twice.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.  But then I did.  The 2nd round was easier, but I was hurting.  I'm still hurting, but I also feel really good.  I know I can do this.  My fear of the stares I would get at the gym for being the fat chick trying to run, and the horrific sounds I imagined the treadmill would make from the stress it was enduring with each impact of my feet.....were the last thing I thought about when I was running.  I was running while the person half my size gave up on their workout after 10 minutes on the elliptical.  If someone wants to stare at me, or much worse, actually mock me (which has never happened, but I realize the potential is always there for someone to be an asshole), then let them.  Chances are those people don't work out at all, and I'll eventually (if not already) be able to out run them in all my large girl glory.

I also want to do my first 5k within the next year.  Like a real one, with other people there and everything.  I am extremely on board to do The Color Run.  I have had such jealousy of my friends who have done it, and the pictures they post afterwards.  I want to be splashed with fun colors while I run.  This year's run is already sold out, but I will definitely be signing up for the next one!  Hopefully some of my friends will be available to sign up with me.  They have been completely supportive of my goal, rather than giving me the side eye for being the fat girl trying to run.  As has Mike, and he's going to run it with me, too. :)

I have also gotten back on track with my WW tracking.  I've been lucky I think with the increase in my activity level at work, that it has covered up my slack in watching my intake.  I mapped out my week, and realized my go-to PB & J for lunch, and its 11 points could be better utilized with a salad that is only 8 points.  So, I got stuff to make a yummy grilled chicken salad for my lunches this week.  And I tried to give myself room each day for Yogurtland, or my no sugar added ice cream.   So at my most optimistic, I'll reach my 10% loss goal by Saturday.  At half optimistic, a couple of pounds lost.

So since my weigh-ins are on Saturday, I'm a little late posting my game plan for activity this week, but here it is:

Saturday: Week 1 Day 2 run-walk X2 (DONE)
Sunday: We went for an hour long walk today in the forest preserve.  (DONE)
Monday: Repeat of Week 1/Day 2 run-walk program since my ass was so kicked yesterday. (DONE)
Tuesday: 1.5 hour walk in the forest preserve with Mike if it is nice, and using my new wrist weights for the first time.  (DONE)
Wednesday: Week 1, Day 3 run-walk if Monday goes well, otherwise I'll be repeating Day 2. (DONE: TURNS OUT DAY 3 IS THE SAME AS DAY 2, WIN!)
Thursday: 2 hour walk in the forest preserve, may throw in some running to see how I do running on pavement. (DONE 5.72 miles!!)
Friday: Week 1, Day 3 run-walk for sure. (SURPRISE! WEEK 2, DAY 1 DONE INSTEAD)

And for documentation purposes, me at my heaviest:

Me at my thinnest (which was nearly 8 years ago):

Most Current:

I need to get better at taking belly pics, like pregnant woman do.  I've definitely shrunk down in my mid section since I've started, but have not done a good job of taking pictures.  So maybe every other week I'll have Mike take a picture of me like women take of their baby bumps so I have something to remind me of the progress I'm making.  Selfies (my favorite, lol) don't do this so well.

I'm not gonna start posting my WW tricks or meals, because I am certainly not at the point where I am willing to eat buckwheat pancakes, quinoa, or spinach smoothies.  Luckily, I can still eat things I like within moderation and stick to my daily points.  This I'm sure will change as the smaller I get, my sweet, sweet, daily points allowance diminishes.  All I can say for WW, is being honest with your tracking, and truly measuring things instead of eyeballing.  Even if you go over, its ok as long as you know exactly how MUCH you went over, and just make it up the next day with some activity.

Oh, and something about WW, that is awesome?  They give you trinkets for your progress!  I knew about the stickers, which excite me, but I didn't know about this keychain business.  When I reached 25 pounds, they gave me my first charm:

Once, I reach 30 pounds, which is my 10% goal, I'll get the keychain that you put the charms on.  And this actually makes me pretty giddy.  The last time I did WW, I never reached any of these milestones, so I had no clue about them.  I realize this make me seem like a dog getting excited for a treat after I learn a new trick, but this certainly does motivate me a bit and makes me giddy for the next trinket.

All else is well in the Casa B.  Mike got a plaque at work for completing his apprenticeship program, and being the first one ever to complete it!  I finally got my own automatic BP cuff and medication caddy for work.  It makes me feel so much more official.  I also had a conversation with my boss asking me how I was liking everything, and it made me feel good.  I make mistakes as I am learning, and honestly, my anxiety lately has been at its highest since I took my NCLEX.  So, any confirmation that I get that my boss doesn't think I am sucking beyond repair makes me happy.  I am going to be happy when I finish my first year.  I miss being confident in my job like I was at the dental office.  I miss knowing exactly what I need to do in any situation.  I miss not being anxious about the next mistake I made getting pointed out to me.  But, I definitely like getting to know my residents.  They really make the job worth it, even the grumpy ones. 

That's it until next week!!

Overwhelmed

So, my work life got turned upside down.  I was just about to begin my life of working the graveyard shift at the time of my last post.  I think I got a week or so into it, and was starting to adjust to it, and then my schedule completely changed.  The easy clerical-work-filled shifts with the occasional panic when someone falls and a decision must be made turned into 3-11, non-stop med-passing, overwhelming to the point of tears, kind of shift.

 I cried on my 2nd night of orientation on PM shift because all hell was breaking loose, and my preceptor left me to my own defenses pretty much.  I cried on the way home, I cried when I got home.  It was impossible.  There is no way I will ever to be able to time-manage my way out of this.  50+ med passes??  Just simply impossible.  Then of course, the realization that my full-time status would be taken away as a result of the change just made me feel like I had really done something stupid.   Plus, my dental office suddenly wasn't seeming to be as flexible as once promised.  It was a rough week, knowing that I potentially put us in a bad financial situation because of a split moment decision that this was better experience for me and my career. 

It has been rough.  Especially when cars start giving us issues, and student loans start creeping up on the horizon, demanding to be repaid.  Plus, feeling like I was so overwhelmed with adjusting to this shift, and making mistakes and beating myself up over them over and over and over.  This has not been fun. 

But this past month is over.

I have actually come very far from that first shift on my own.  Not knowing which room a resident is in, not knowing which hallway to go down to get to that room.  Forgetting my keys in the resident's room, at end of the hallway on the OPPOSITE side from where I was.  Grabbing the wrong MAR book, and thus not knowing which meds to give.  People going to bed early on me, or staying downstairs when they are usually in their rooms, or refusing to take the medications, or making the med pass take 20 minutes, when it should have been 2 minutes, etc.  I can go on and on and on.  The time I wasted in running from hallway to hallway to the nursing office and back to the residents' rooms, it just insane.

I've made mistakes, some of them I only made because that's how I was shown to do it, but regardless, I made them.  I also learned from them.  I am still learning, as well as I'm sure I have more mistakes that I will make.   It's so hard to face.  Going from being a near perfect student in nursing school, to realizing that everything isn't the cookie cutter process they teach you in school and you are no longer the rock star you thought you were is hard to face.  Sometimes, I want to call out sick, or hope my car breaks down, or just give up and be a receptionist because its so much easier.  But I haven't.

I keep going.  And I am starting to surprise myself.  Last night's shift for instance was a nightmare.  I had orders to process, I had to call a doctor, and then someone got hurt right before I needed to start my after dinner med pass.  Losing 30 minutes to an incident is not something I had time for, and I had already given up my lunch.  All I could think about was how screwed I was.  I was never going to catch up on my med pass.   "I'm fucked, I'm fucked, I'm fucked"  The other nurse on duty saw 4 residents for me, and then I was ok.  I actually had time to call and yell at the pharmacy for not delivering a resident's insulin as promised.  I finished my med pass relatively on time despite my serious set back.

I was truly surprised.  Not every night is going to be this cluster fuck of things going wrong, so if I can finish on time when everything is going to shit, I can actually do this!  Holy shift!  So, of course, I rewarded myself by spending a little extra time with the last resident I had to give medication to because she is one of my favorites, and then spent the rest of my shift finishing up my paperwork.  But I went home feeling good.  To my knowledge, I didn't forget to do anything or make a note of something I needed the day shift to look into. 

I am growing so attached to the residents.  There are one or two that I could do without, but most of them, even though it is stressful, I like getting to spend the couple of minutes with them while they take their medication.   And this is the part of my job that makes me happy to be a nurse.  The constant, on-the-go, walking everywhere nature of my shift is exhausting, and makes me sore by the time I get home, but there is a reason I do it, and it would be so much harder to do if I didn't care about the residents the way that I do.

So, the last month has been so difficult, yet so good in many ways.  And I am sure in a month from now, I'll be even more surprised at how far I will go from this point.

In other news, the sucky realization that I won't have enough vacation time accrued to go somewhere for our 5 year anniversary sunk in.  It sucks.  I may have wanted to cry because I was looking forward to the idea of it.  But, that is life.  I have to be happy that I got a job as a nurse, and remember there will be time for it later.  But this first year, its just gonna be hard to take any significant time off, and nothing can be done about it.  It doesn't make our anniversary any less special, and we will be able to have a day or two off together, so it will be wonderful regardless of what we do.

I thought my schedule would make it so that I never see Mike, but its been kind of the opposite.  He has still been up when I get home late at night, and we can truly enjoy our days together rather me being groggy when he gets home, or me sleeping until 3 or 4 on my "day off".  I'm actually pretty happy with my schedule now, and I am so happy that I can truly enjoy the time I do get with Mike.   Sure, I have to get some school work done here and there, but now that I am not spending HOURS obsessing over my med pass schedule, it is just so nice.

I also finally gathered up my courage and learned how to use my sewing machine.  Oh my goodness, I was so happy when I finally figured out how to thread that thing, which is super confusing for a newbie.  I haven't "made" anything officially yet, just practiced sewing with some fabric I had leftover from some other projects.  I haven't done much more due to being overwhelmed with work this past month, but I hope to see how I do making a simple throw pillow.  I just gotta get around to doing it! 

The weather is also starting to get back to its beautiful self, and we can't wait to go back on our walks again.  We found a new frozen yogurt place down the street, and we are in love.  It may be a bit long to walk to, but we figure it isn't an impossible walk, so we may be doing that quite a bit this summer!!  :)

Let the Night Take Over

I am officially switching to nights tomorrow night.  It is not going to be easy, and I hope nothing too crazy happens on my first solo shift.  I feel as ready as I can be, and what I don't know I'm sure I will learn soon enough.

I have been sick all this week.  I only went to my dental office for 15 minutes before leaving on Monday.  I was fortunate that it was a slow day, and one of my coworkers was there earlier than usual, so it was ok for me to leave.  I came home and slept for 5 hours.  Luckily, it only seemed to affect my sinuses, and didn't travel to my throat and lungs like these things normally do.  I was still miserable, and fought through it as much as I could.  I am finally feeling better, and hope it doesn't flare up again!

WW is going well!  I lost 3.8 lbs for a total of 12.2!  Not bad for 5 weeks, and certainly made up for the small gain I had.  I am starting to see a physical change, like my coat isn't as snug as it usually is, and my sweaters sit a little nicer.  It's not a huge change, but it is still nice to see.  I just hope my switching to nights doesn't halt my progress.  I can't snack all night in an attempt to keep myself awake.  I just need to find a rhythm that works on keeping in line.

I have been a horrible slacker with school, so I need to get crackin' on that! It's easy to put it off when it isn't due on a weekly basis.  Ugh.