Or Not

So....during clinical orientation on Thursday, I found out my letter of intent was a big waste of time.  My instructor told me that doing my capston in L&D was not possible.  I guess it was worth a try, and maybe my letter of intent will still open up some opportunities to be placed somewhere more exciting to me than a simple Med-Surg floor. 

*sigh*

I survived the first week, and only 7 more to go.  I do think that my clinical instructor is going to be great, although all of my clinial instructors for the most part have seemed absolutely terrifying to me one way or the other.  I just hope to have another successful clinical rotation, and ending nursing school on a positive note.  There is sooooo much work to be done, which I'l say it....feels like busy work for atleast half of it.  But whatever I gotta do to get past this chapter of my education!

Tomorrow is my first day of being at school from 800 to 1800 (I am trying to incorporate military time into my life to get used to it so I don't screw up my charting, I'll let you figure it out).  It is going to be a long day due to the 4 hour break between one class to the other, but atleast I will have that time to study, practice skills, and meet with my mentees.  Yeah, in addition to all of our stuff, we have to meet with a 1st semester student (or two or three) and preceptor them on passing PO meds, Head to Toe assessment, and introduce them to the Simulation Hospital, I feel like there is a 4th thing, but oh well.  I remember feeling like the whole mentor thing wasn't useful to me, partly because passing PO meds was not something I found difficult, but had she gone over head to toe assessment me, that would have helped me so much more.  So, I plan on making sure I give as much help as I can to my mentees on head to toe assessment as I can, and whatever help they need on PO meds. 

I know some people will look at it as a chore, and I may even find it inconvenient, too, trying to coordinate two schedules that are completely different; but I am sort of looking forward to being able to be a resource for my mentees, and I want them to feel that I have truly helped them instead of simply satisfying my obligations.  As much as we are taught to educate our patients, why would we be resistent to teaching those who follow behind us?  I personally do not want to exhibit anything that would contribute to this notion of nurses eating their young instead of nurturing them.  If we can't support each other in learning, we can't move forward as a profession. 

*second sigh*

So that's me getting that off of my chest.  I just can't believe I am almost there!!

L&D it is!!

I finally....and when I say finally, I mean after a full day of being frozen trying to figure this out....I FINALLY wrote my letter of intent for Capstone. I decided, if this is the only say I am going to have in the manner of where I would like to go, I would be a huge dumb-ass to not take advantage to atleast express my interest in an area that I KNOW I liked. Not taking this opportunity, and saying NOTHING, leaves it completely up to chance where I will get put. It tells my clinical instructor that I just don't really care, when that is the furthest thing from the truth. I care A LOT about this time in my final semester.

I can honestly say, that I haven't loved any of my other clinical experiences more than I loved the clinical days I had in my OB rotation. Yes, I could love critical care or ER or Oncology. I really could fall in love with those areas, but I have NO experience there to be sure that I will love them at all, or that I will love them more than L&D. If I am given the opportunity to discuss my interest in more detail with my clinical instructor, maybe I will get the opportunity to express my concerns about feeling torn. I am in need of some guidance, but at this moment, all I can do is make the best decision with the information and experience I currently have, and not the possibilities of what could be in the next 8 weeks.

I could still end up in some truly random placement, but as long as it is one where I can learn, it will be fine.

But with that said, I reallllllly realllllly REALLLLLy want to see more babies on their birthdays!!

Last Minute Life

After last semester, I was so determined to not wait til the last minute to prepare for this semester. Yet, here I am, 2 days til Critical Care bootcamp.....with a ton of stuff to do, and I still take the time to put a moisturizing/protein mask on my hair and watching the movie remake of Bewitched. And Mike and I have a fun night planned with my friend and her boyfriend. But I am not panicking, I am saving that for tomorrow night. :)

I am feeling motivated, don't get me wrong, but I guess I feel I have a whole semester of stressing ahead of me, I don't want to spend my last 2 days of pre-semester freedom stressing, even if I do have a ton of work to do.

I am busy trying to contemplate what to do with my Capstone. If we want to be placed in a speciality area, we have to have our resume updated and our letter of intent written by Tuesday morning. The thing is that I wanted to get to have a couple of days atleast of critical care clinical to see if this is an area that speaks to me. I could either love it or hate it. And I don't want to regret my decision to NOT request ICU or ER, and then find out that I LOVE it. Especially if I love it even more than L&D. But then I don't want to request ICU or ER or L&D and find out too late that its not a good Capstone experience.

Let me back up in case I haven't explained about what Capstone is. It is our last 8 weeks of our nursing program where we have no classes, no exams....its all nursing shifts with a preceptor. 8 weeks of 24 hours of nursing. It is an opportunity to learn, and really put all that we have learned to use. In clinical, we have limited time on the floor, and our opportunities to perform skills are limited. So, capstone hopefully is our chance to come into our own and gain true experience.

I know that I have felt the strongest connection to L&D, and the TCU babies in Peds with their trachs and vents, and g-tubes, and loved NICU the day I got to observe. I have felt bored with med surg because I never really got the patients who had a ton of stuff going on, and just felt like a pill pusher. I want to have the best capstone experience that I can, and be able to learn as much as possible. And I am scared of requesting an area that I either 1- Can't have because they don't allow students in that area for their capstone or 2- proves to be a bad capstone experience, even though I really love that area of nursing or 3- getting stuck in a boring area that I hate.

I just wish that we would have had a chance to experience critical care before having to decide this. :(

I Suck at Blogging.

I really am. I am horrible at reading them, horrible at updating mine, and wish I was better at both.

So! Since my last post, I did indeed pass my ped rotation. Although, when I took my final, I was sure I had just failed. Normally, after you take a final exam, you get to leave....but not in this class. We had to give presentations on our nursing articles with our groups. I was so devastated after feeling like I had failed my exam & the class, that I started to sob as soon as I turned my scan-tron in. My group was the last to go, and I thought "this is good, I can get it together by then".....but no, I went in and out of crying all the way until it was our time. I completely sucked when I had to give my part of the presentation.

I truly was so upset. I have never been that upset before over a test. And even when the grades were finally posted later that day, I started crying when I saw that I had a near perfect score on my exam. I was crying in relief, releasing all of that stress and fear. It really did take some time for it to sink in that I passed. It certainly didn't help when my clinical instructor (who I truly believe is the most socially awkward nursing instructor yet, even my OB instructor was encouraging and didn't make you feel like you were stupid) started out my final peds clinical evaluation by saying she shoud have failed me, yet she was giving me a B. I had an incident that I am not going to talk about, but a mistake happened, and it was not due to me being careless, or not being aware of my surroundings, and I punished myself for it far more than anyone else could have. Yet, I received no formal warnings or remediation slips at the time of the event, and was assured by my instructor at that time that mistakes happen and I did everything right once I realized my mistake. So, yeah, I was kind of ticked she started out my final evaluation meeting with that because of that I should have a received a 1 in Safety (4=a, 3=b,2=pass, 1=big fat fail), and 1 in this category is a fail, regardless of your scorings in the other 9 categories. She gave me a 2, and had she said "I really felt you deserved a 3, but because of that incident, I had to give you a 2", I would have been ok with that.

I passed Peds, and thank heavens, because that class was just too much for me. OB, on the other hand......LOVE. I loved it. Big, fat, puffy heart, loved it. Labor & Delivery is by far the first area where I felt "OMG, I need to be here!!!". I can't truly describe what its like to be there when a baby cries for the first time, yet stops crying the second their daddy starts to talk to them. They literally are like "Hold the phone!!! I know you!!" when they turn their little head in the direction of their daddy's voice, and try to open their eyes. I was in tears with every birth I got to be present for. It didn't make want my own lil bun in the oven ASAP, but I just felt like it was such an amazing experience to get to be a part of.

So yeah, loved OB. I am 2 weeks away from starting my 4th and final semester of nursing school. I have homework to do already, lol. I am still in disbelief that the end is nearing. May 20 is our graduation day. When I saw them setting up the tent for graduation 2 years ago while I arriving to take my final for Physiology.....I actually started crying. I knew that tent was going to be in MY future in a couple of years. I can't explain how important it is to me to be graduating, even if I was majoring in something like accounting or pottery. Not having a degree is something I have felt embarrassed of. Not because everyone should have a degree, but its because I know I am capable and smart, and to not have one means I simply didn't follow through. I let life and circumstances delay this for me. So, it is important for me to be finally completing this. Even though I will be going on to get my BSN, I can do that online, and take a class at a time. I won't have to do this 2 years of taking over my whole life again. So, just finally receiving that degree with my name on it is an accomplishment that I need to validate something in me. It just happens to be even better that this degree makes me a nurse, which is beyond exciting for me that I will get to actively help people, instead of just being the phone answerer or butt wiper.

I am also really excited for getting back to life with Mike and I in our own place. There are hard moments living with your in-laws, but I can say that I am fortunate to have the in-laws that I do. I have friends who have in-laws who would make you want to pull your hair out just listening to their stories. My in-laws don't know how much I am in gratitude for helping me accomplish this dream of mine. I did not have this kind of support from my own family (although if money grew on trees, I know things would have been different). This has given me the opportunity to go to school and only stress about school, and actually be a full-time student, and be a rock star at it.

But even with that said, I miss having my own place with my husband. Its actually really exciting to think about looking for places again, and getting to unpack our stuff. Getting to walk around in my undies without worrying about if my in-laws are home or not. And just getting to make a place our home. I am ready for that so much.

So 4th semester comes to my life with Critical Care (ICU, Emergency, Oncology) and Roles Transition. With roles, we start preparing for the job search basically, and its a lot of busy work from what I hear. But then there is our Capstone. We get to say where we would like to be placed (such as cardiac, post-partum, peds, psych, etc), and we get placed with a nurse who will be our preceptor for 8 weeks. We work their schedule for about 24 hours a week. I am soooo undecided on where I want to be for this. I have L&D is not a good experience, but then they can't place you in ICU/NICU, which are other areas I would be interested in. So, I'm not sure yet. I definitely don't want to do something boring like a general med-surg floor. I may very well end up working med-surg when I graduate because I will take what I can get. But I want to have an amazing learning opportunity for Capstone. So we will see!

I just want to pass Peds

Alright, so the lil babies are adorable, even the ones hooked up to machines to through trach to make sure they keep breathing. They are fun to play with, and make stupid sounds and faces to make them smile. But I am not a Peds nurse.

My clinicals have not been what I thought they would. I feel more criticized for stupid things (like not writing bowel sounds active in 4 quadrants, compared to the widely accepted bowel sounds x 4, or BS x4), rather than feeling guided and challenged. This week was also an absolute nightmare for me in clinical due to a mistake that I wish never, ever happened. And then I fail another test in Peds lecture.

I dont know what my problem is exactly, but I am for some reason acting in a self-sabotaging manner in regards to Peds. I just can't get my shit in order. Again, yes the kids are adorable, but this is just not where I see myself. I can handle adults, even the mean, grumpy ones who insist on pushing their calls lights every 5 minutes despite the fact that they are in isolation and you have to get gowned up before you can even see what they need, and then all they needed was to know what channel the relaxing music is on.

I just want to pass this class. I have the cumulative final next Wed morning, I need to get 60/75 to be in the clear, otherwise I will be absolutely devastated. Part of my frustration is that I have another exam I have to study for once I get 2 evals done tonight, that is on Friday. I work tomorrow and I worry it will be another cluster-fluff of a day, and will affect my ability to study effectively.

I just want to pass, I just want to pass, I just want to pass, I just want to pass, I just want to pass, I just want to pass, I just want to pass, I just want to pass, I just want to pass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Summer is over!

So I am about to finish up my 2nd week of school. I am sad that summer is over, because its been so nice. I was really busy over the summer though between working at the hospital and the dental office. I am deeply torn about continuing to stay at both, I know I really should just quit the dental office, but I have been there so long that its tugging at my heart strings to consider actually leaving. Although there have been some new developments that make me wonder if now would be the better time to jump ship. Anyway, I was super busy, so I don't feel like I really had a summer.

My problem now, is that despite it already being 2 weeks of school.....my motivation is MIA. I don't feel that terrifyng feeling that I will be kicked out that I had last year that kept my ass in check. I know some people who would say its a good thing to be more relaxed, but they don't understand that my anxiety about failing is what made me do so well. It made me kick my own ass so I didn't have any teachers doing it for me. Maybe after our first test on Wed, I'll get back into gear.

I have come to accept that its ok that certain people are not meant to be in my life, and that even though I may never know or understand their reasons or actions, its ok because the more I stress myself about it, the more I am continuing to let them have any kind of effect on me whatsoever. I am not a perfect person, but I am a good person and that's all that matters. Those that want to be in my life and want me in theirs will show it, simple as that. It's all about the quality, not quantity, of the people in your life.

So besides my missing motivation, things are pretty good!! So I am going to shower and see if the steam will make my laziness go away!!

Summer Time!!

I am well into my wonderful summer of freedom! I am enjoying not freaking out because of the studying I need to do, annoyed at being back into the gossip-jungle that is my office, and spending tons of time with my hubby!! I am content with my grades for this past semester, and I hope to keep it up for the 2nd half of my journey through this program. It truly is hard to believe my first year is over with!!

Anyway, in other good news, I got a PCT job at Big Area Hospital that I shall not name. I am really excited!! I will be on the orthopedic floor, and my unit manager is really nice. And the unit????..............Is beautiful! As beautiful as a hospital floor can be, anyway. I feel really fortunate to be able to start out on such a nice floor, with nice new shiny rooms, each with their own shiny vitals machines and computers! No need to stalk computers to be able to document! I have two weeks of orientation that starts on Monday, and I got my nifty lil name badge on Wednesday when I got my physical and stuff done! I am nervous about starting a new job, but I need the challenge. My current job is just full of the same stuff that never changes, and what changes do occur are usually bad ones. I will be working both jobs for the time being so I can get in as close to full time hours as I can this summer, but then I will have to make a decision.

The PCT job is better for me in the long run, even with the pay cut I am taking, because I will have my foot in the door for nursing positions once I graduate. It's hard for me to think about leaving my people at my current job because I have been there for so long, but I just don't feel warm and fuzzy about my office anymore. Plus, I don't get enough of a challenge out of the job besides dealing with gossip and BS. I'm not perfect, but I do not make stuff up or twist things like some of my coworkers do, and its just ridiculous. You can't make it through a day without encountering gossip or drama, and its exhausting. And a desk job like this should not be exhausting.

*sigh*

Anyway, I have had an amazing time so far with my hubby!! Our 3rd wedding anniversary was this Tuesday, and we went downtown for a couple of days. We had a lot of fun, ate awesome food, and got sore and burnt! Next on our agenda is a musical downtown, then a wedding, and then planning my hubby's birthday!! So excited!!