Summer is over!

So I am about to finish up my 2nd week of school. I am sad that summer is over, because its been so nice. I was really busy over the summer though between working at the hospital and the dental office. I am deeply torn about continuing to stay at both, I know I really should just quit the dental office, but I have been there so long that its tugging at my heart strings to consider actually leaving. Although there have been some new developments that make me wonder if now would be the better time to jump ship. Anyway, I was super busy, so I don't feel like I really had a summer.

My problem now, is that despite it already being 2 weeks of school.....my motivation is MIA. I don't feel that terrifyng feeling that I will be kicked out that I had last year that kept my ass in check. I know some people who would say its a good thing to be more relaxed, but they don't understand that my anxiety about failing is what made me do so well. It made me kick my own ass so I didn't have any teachers doing it for me. Maybe after our first test on Wed, I'll get back into gear.

I have come to accept that its ok that certain people are not meant to be in my life, and that even though I may never know or understand their reasons or actions, its ok because the more I stress myself about it, the more I am continuing to let them have any kind of effect on me whatsoever. I am not a perfect person, but I am a good person and that's all that matters. Those that want to be in my life and want me in theirs will show it, simple as that. It's all about the quality, not quantity, of the people in your life.

So besides my missing motivation, things are pretty good!! So I am going to shower and see if the steam will make my laziness go away!!

Summer Time!!

I am well into my wonderful summer of freedom! I am enjoying not freaking out because of the studying I need to do, annoyed at being back into the gossip-jungle that is my office, and spending tons of time with my hubby!! I am content with my grades for this past semester, and I hope to keep it up for the 2nd half of my journey through this program. It truly is hard to believe my first year is over with!!

Anyway, in other good news, I got a PCT job at Big Area Hospital that I shall not name. I am really excited!! I will be on the orthopedic floor, and my unit manager is really nice. And the unit????..............Is beautiful! As beautiful as a hospital floor can be, anyway. I feel really fortunate to be able to start out on such a nice floor, with nice new shiny rooms, each with their own shiny vitals machines and computers! No need to stalk computers to be able to document! I have two weeks of orientation that starts on Monday, and I got my nifty lil name badge on Wednesday when I got my physical and stuff done! I am nervous about starting a new job, but I need the challenge. My current job is just full of the same stuff that never changes, and what changes do occur are usually bad ones. I will be working both jobs for the time being so I can get in as close to full time hours as I can this summer, but then I will have to make a decision.

The PCT job is better for me in the long run, even with the pay cut I am taking, because I will have my foot in the door for nursing positions once I graduate. It's hard for me to think about leaving my people at my current job because I have been there for so long, but I just don't feel warm and fuzzy about my office anymore. Plus, I don't get enough of a challenge out of the job besides dealing with gossip and BS. I'm not perfect, but I do not make stuff up or twist things like some of my coworkers do, and its just ridiculous. You can't make it through a day without encountering gossip or drama, and its exhausting. And a desk job like this should not be exhausting.

*sigh*

Anyway, I have had an amazing time so far with my hubby!! Our 3rd wedding anniversary was this Tuesday, and we went downtown for a couple of days. We had a lot of fun, ate awesome food, and got sore and burnt! Next on our agenda is a musical downtown, then a wedding, and then planning my hubby's birthday!! So excited!!

Almost there!

I really hate the last 3 weeks of the semester. It seems to bring out the worst in all of us. I have been struggling with some rough emotions the past couple of weeks, I've written a couple of posts that seemed to always get messed up somehow before they were actually posted. I think that was a good thing.

I am not going to get into specifics. But I am disappointed in a lot of my fellow classmates. I respect anyone's will to not like a teacher, to feel like the class is too hard, or be scared at the idea of not passing. It's totally ok if our personalities don't mesh well, or if we disagree with each other. But the extent that people have taken things this last 8 weeks is sickening to me. Are we bashing other people to make ourselves feel better? Are we disregarding the hardwork of our peers simply because WE didn't get the grades that we wanted, so no one else must have deserved their grades if they did better? Must we say that people are getting special treatment or just freaks of nature, and that must be the explanation for their success? Do we have to try to get the teacher in trouble, because she must not be grading fairly if we didn't get the grade we felt we should have?

I will not speak for anyone but myself. I read the material, most of the time twice. I did the case studies, I did the study guide work, I did the online practice exams. I could have probably done a lot more work than I did, and I am positive that there were people who did 2 or 3 times the amount of studying that I did. But the one thing that is different about all of us is how our brain works. Application of the material is mostly what they are testing us on. And we are not all going to apply the material in the same way. This is why I believe there are so many people who have dropped the class or who are going/maybe going to fail the course. Not because they didn't study, but because they are wanting us to think in a certain way, and that is not easy to train your brain into a new way of thinking. It will just take more time for some of us, and there is nothing wrong with that.

What is important is that we don't give up. We need to support and celebrate each other in our journey. We are the only ones who will even remotely understand what each of us is going through, and struggling with in this program. Yet, we are trying to tear down our classmates, and downplay the hardwork they have put in. And why? Because maybe they were successful, and we were not? Is that what makes you feel better? If so, I sincerely hope you recognize this, and find a way to fix whatever it is inside of you that makes you feel this way.

I feel hurt right now, and that's ok. I will not add fuel to the fire by confronting anyone. All I can do is do my best to stay positive, and continuing to push myself to be better. I believe that I have worked hard, and I have earned my grades fairly. I can't do anything about how other people behave or how they treat me, I can only control how I choose to respond. I will be happy for my classmates in their successes, and I will be sad but encouraging for those whose journey just got a little longer . I will also continue to be scared out of my mind that failure could come my way at any moment just as easily as my success has. I will be grateful for the amazing wisdom and guidance I have been fortunate enough to have experienced from my clinical instructors so far. I will remember that I am only responsible for myself, and that all this negativity means nothing because all that matters is that I know I have earned my acheivements fairly, and not needed to hurt or push others down to boost myself up.

And yes, I got an A in clinical. I had anxiety each and every clinical day. I beat myself up for my mistakes, but I took action to correct them immediately. I pushed myself to be better. I went and bought a 100 count box of subQ needles because of one nerve-wracking bubble that I couldn't get rid of in front of my instructor so that I could practice. I can't offer any explanations on why my other classmates didn't or won't receive an A or an B. All I can be concerned with is that my clinical instructor determined I had earned it. It does suck if others are told they would have gotten an A or B if the instructor were ALLOWED to give it to them, but that is not my problem. And it certainly doesn't mean that I should be guilty for getting my A. So, if I upset anyone because I felt like celebrating this one grade, I can't do anything about that. I have purposely not posted my grades this semester, and I have not talked specifically about them to anyone unless they asked. I was ecstatic on Monday when I found out, yet I was also crying tears of relief because I have been so scared of not making it through. I deserve to be celebrating, just like the rest of my classmates who have survived and those who put in a good fight but just have a lil longer journey. In the end, the A doesn't really matter, its the fact that I passed that is most important.

So, I have a Cancer Walk on Saturday, my pharmacology final on Tues, and my final head to toe assessment on Wed, and then I am officially done for the semester. I am so excited to relax, and we have some amazingly exciting things planned. I am even ok working some extra hours in my office with all the gossip-mongers that come along with it. I am just happy to be able to spend time my hubby again without feeling guilty that I should be studying!

Rough Day

Yesterday was tough. We had a cardiac exam, hypothyroidism and Diabetes quiz, an Evidence Based Practice paper, and I had over 12 drug cards due since the teacher is my clinical instructor. I studied all weekend, I even got someone to cover me at work on Saturday so I could study more. I slept for only 2 hours Sunday night. Oh, and I had to stay after class to go over rounding with my lab instructor because I didn't round to a whole number for my ml/hour in IV meds.

The test was hard, but I tried not to second guess myself because I was just going to drive myself crazy. I ended up being one point away from a B, which is ok, but just upsetting when you spend so much time studying and all it gets you is a C. Unfortunately, several of my classmates failed the exam, even though I'm sure some of them put in way more time than I did. It's kind of devastating as a nursing student. Any other major like psych or english, or whatever, if you put in a week's worth of studying, you are golden. In nursing, there's no guarantee whatsoever.

But, I can't join the party of hating the instructor and feeling like she is trying to make this class impossible for us, because I do not believe that is the case. I have her for clinical, and yes she is intimidating, but she is encouraging to me and helps guide me into the right direction when I am struggling. I see nothing in her but trying to make us think, and making us better. Cardiac is HARD. And we didn't even cover all that we could have for cardiac. Most of the test wasn't about what the book told you, it was about critical thinking and prioritizing and application. This is what makes a nurse, and it is not easy.

I love my instructor, and while lecture is rough to sit through sometimes, I know she wants us to do well. So I'm not going to join the angry mob of people, I think she is great.

So anyway, as long as I don't fluff up in clinicals, I will be a 3rd semester student. I would have to completely give up as this point not to pass. So, that does take some of the pressure off. This last half of the semester has been rough.

ANYWAY......I am completely looking forward to summer. We have a wedding, Cubs games, shows downtown to see. I am sooooo excited to see Chicago the Musical and Beauty and the Beast. I cannot wait!! I'm just so thankful that we will be getting to do all these fun things, because this school year has been rough! We probably won't be going on a vacation this summer, but that's ok. I want to plan a beachy vacation next summer after I graduate. One where we can relax, drink fruity drinks out of coconuts, and get a nice tan! Plus it will give me something to look forward to as next year is going to be a whole new type of stress!

Alright, I guess I need to get back to being productive.

Time Takes on a Whole New Meaning in Nursing School!

It is amazing how fast time goes by now. I never have enough time. Things that seem like they should be quick, end up taking hours. And hours seem like minutes when you are trying to finish a big assignment. It is kind of scary to think that I am a month away from being done with my first year of nursing school. I almost feel like 2 years is not enough. It is hard to imagine that in a year's time I will be educated enough to be expected to pass my licensing exam and be given patients' lives in my hand. Don't get me wrong, I feel excited to be learning so much, but its humbling to be aware of how much you don't know, and will not know until you have YEARS and YEARS of experience under your belt. In the mean time, I am in my first medical surgical rotation, and its terrifying. My instructor is intimidating, but it is something I am grateful for because she is pushing me to be better already. This rotation is finally teaching us to start putting the pieces together and using our brains to figure out what is best for our patients. It's good to be learning this, but terrifying because it makes you realize how easy it is to misinterpret an assessment of your patient. *SIGH* But things are going well. I don't have time for pettiness, or really anything that doesn't involve studying. But something happened today that is just bugging the hell out of me. We had a test question that was written poorly, and a lot of people got the question wrong even though our book stated 2 of the possible answers one right after the other. I got this question wrong because of the way they teacher intended the question to read. One of my classmates told me she wanted to strangle me because I was "going against" her when I stated both options were right next to each other in the paragraph of reading. I was completely thrown by this. She said this over a large group of us nursing students, too. So it wasn't a private conversation, and she's telling me she wanted to strangle me. Let's get this straight. Even if she hadn't misunderstood me, I am allowed to disagree with whatever I please. I am not the type to AGREE to keep the peace. Also, even if what I said was meant to come off as disagreeing, I was still stating a very true fact that both answers were correct and RIGHT NEXT to each other in the book with no clear distinction of which one would be better. And, I selected the same answer as you, so you should cool it a minute before you start jumping conclusions because you don't have the capacity to listen properly and start telling people you want to strangle them for going against you. Then of course, telling me that you were gossiping about me to our classmates in clinical about wanting to strangle me only seals the deal that I hope you never need my help for anything. I realize that nursing students are no more mature and reasonable people than anyone else when it comes to social interaction that doesn't involve peri-care. I have decided that people who want to be your friend, will be your friend. It shouldn't be difficult, or full of resentment and hurt feelings that you aren't allowed to talk about. And I'll be damned if I''m gonna compromise myself to be part of the cool kids group. It's just not gonna happen.

Done with Psych!!

Thank goodness!! Not that our Psych rotation isn't interesting, but its just not for me. I used to be a Psych major before I decided I wanted to go to nursing school, and there is a reason I got out of it. I am just not cut out for structured conversations and analyzing every single word my patients say. I like being hands-on, and making my patients as comfortable as I can. Plus this class was full of busy work, I felt like clinicals were a breeze because you didn't really have to do much. Just sit and observe, have a short conversation with your patient, and comb their chart for any information you need to do your assignments. It wasn't enough of a challenge for me, I guess. I got a B though in clinical, and an A in lecture....so I'm happy.

So I start Med Surg this next week, and while its a scary class to start, I'm excited because it will definitely be challenging! I heard we aren't learning a lot of skills in this rotation, just priming IV lines and bedside blood glucose test. Which is a bit disappointing because I feel we could learn so much more, BUT, if this means I will pass my class easier....than so be it!

So today I am getting my hair did. I am trying to grow my hair out, and as a way to tempt me to leave my length alone, I'm gonna get some highlights put in. I am so extremely nervous, because I have no idea how it is going to turn out!! But the lady I'm seeing today works on 3 of my co-worker's hair, so I'm trying to have faith, lol. Then I have a volunteer event tomorrow night where we are making dinner for women and children at a crisis center, and setting up a crafty thing for them to do. I am always game for volunteering, as long as I have the time for it. I also have a lot of studying I need to do to prepare for Med Surg and a midterm for Pharm. Such is the life of a nursing student! :)

Let's Take the Time to Savor this Moment.....

because it will probably be the last time I can say I have all A's this semester! Once my clinical grade is determine, that moment is over. I am hoping for a B, although an A MAY just be possible since my holistic had no corrections on it at all. However, getting your hopes up for an A in clinical is delusional thoughts for a nursing student. Oh, and I guess my process recording wasn't my best work this second time around, although it was longer....so that could set me back, too. But I don't care, because I just want to be done!

Otherwise, besides the uncertainty of clinical, I have an A in all of my other classes. As long as my Psych final on Tuesdays goes well, I will keep my A in that class, too! So, it feels good to start the first half of the semester off so well! But Med Surg will start the week after next, and that's a whole different ball game. That class I will be happy just to be able to say I passed. It's supposed to be a tough class, but I am so ready for it. I am missing the hands on stuff, like injections, and researching medical conditions and meds. That is the type of stuff I enjoy doing. I am also really excited for learning IV skills this semester.

In other news, I have been going to the gym for the past week. I have started out doing ok, I have been going for an hour each time. And I feel good about it, in fact I am going to be on my way to the gym here as soon as I finish with this post! I haven't been pushing myself so hard that I get too sore or hurt any muscles, because that is usually what sets me back. I pull a muscle, and then I don't go back to the gym for a week or at all. I am excited for making progress and seeing some pounds fall off.

I am excited for what the summer will bring me! I am most likely not taking any summer classes this year, which is awesome! I haven't had a free summer since we got married almost 3 years ago, so this will be a great treat for me! I will pick up some extra hours at work this summer, but other than that, I can relax, and do fun things with Mike! So far, we have tickets for a couple of Cubs games, an out of town wedding, plans to see Beauty and the Beast the musical, and MAYBE go back up to one of the towns we visited in MI last summer and spend a weekend getting some sun on the beach! Let me add, that I have not owned a swimsuit since I was 11, and have refused to buy one or even go swimming pretty much since then. But something is making me want to say fuck it and lay in the sun and relax. So I actually bought a swim suit in case we end up going this summer.

Now don't expect to see me in a swimsuit all the time, the only reason I am ok with this is because the likelihood of seeing anyone I know or will ever see again in my life in Michigan is very very small. Plus, there weren't a ton of people on the beach when we went last year, so that makes me more comfortable. But I just want to have a nice little relaxing getaway.

So, it may be bad of me, but I am sooooo already in the mindset of summer, the next 8 weeks of school is kind of already over for me, lol.

Alright, this girl is off to the gym!!